Sometime in August 2011
My husband had started talking about how we should get some fish for the kids, this was odd to me... not just the fact that he was having a conversation with me at all, which was odd. but that he all of a sudden wanted fish. I had among the previous years asked if the kids could have some little fish many times, always getting nothing more thoughtful than a no. It was never a hesitated no a I will think about it no, it was just a flat out don't ask twice NO! But here we were, in the middle of an already bad situation and he was trying quite diligently to talk me into fish. But it didn't stop there.He also thought a Big fish tank would top off the idea he all of a sudden thought this was the best idea he could have ever come up with. At first I didn't understand but trying hard to make anything and everything work out for the family I agreed it was a good idea, not only because I myself had tried many times to have one or two little fish for the babies to admire, but I think I actually thought as if having some fish swimming around a giant tank in my living room would fix the brokenness of this little family. So of course I agreed with him in this decision not knowing their was more to it then I saw. After several days of fish talk and him supposedly looking and searching online for a tank suitable for the children, very conveniently there was one available. A fish tank with a sucker fish named "Sucky" needed a home and for only 40$ it was all ours. then I learned a little more... this conveniently available fish tank was at the home of the miss thing he had been seeing. I'm not sure exactly her reasoning for getting rid of it to be honest, I only knew that he had already, long before mentioning fish at all to me had known that he would be bringing that tank home. Of course I had a few smart ass comments, because well I'm pretty darn good at making those. But none the less, Here I was faced with the decision of taking in ******'s tank.... and the damn "sucky". I could not say no at this point. after all he had used the phrase "for the kids" and if I said no then I would be taking away something from them... or so he made me think. He could feel my hesitation, he must have because then suddenly he began to incorporate me into the plan. He attempted to make me comfortable with the entirety of the idea by saying he wanted me to go along to pick it up with him. I then agreed. I stupidly thought that by him taking me along, he was actually proud enough of me to have me with him. That was something that was rare in itself. yeah of course I went with him places... to his dads house and to the truck/tractor pulls... but really I wasn't there with him. Id always go with him but we were never together. id be in the corner, to the side (just not his side) in the stands or in the truck. It was always a simple equation me+kids-him= normal. I hated the fact that he never took me places. He would go in the store and make me stay in the truck, or he would stay and make me go. He never wanted to go anywhere with me. It was always a struggle, always an argument. So of course when offered the chance to go along I accepted. Besides, obviously if he was taking me along to see ****** then there must not be too much going on. We had an agreement he told her we would take the tank, and he told me I was going along to pick it up. It wasn't much on my end but it was enough to bribe me just enough to commit. It was a commitment of faith, and hope. Faith in my husband, that he wasn't crossing boundaries with her and hope that this was proof that my marriage wasn't in shambles. For me it wasn't just a fish tank, it was much more. It was another thread that was holding what was left of my heart together...and he pulled it just right.
He sat on that wooden rocking chair, he now had an excuse to openly talk to her. to sit and text her throughout the night, a constant back and forth between them as he blocked out everything that was happening in the little world before him. He was supposedly making plans for us to pick it up. Well as I had come to learn, for him to pick it up. I was somehow kicked out of the plan. How could he surprise the kids with a fish tank if they were along with us when we got it, so of course It was just me and the kids. So the new plans had come out to be that, he would leave early in the morning... like 5:00 on a Thursday morning early to get it. Apparently she had to be at work at 6:00 am and he needed enough time to get there and load it before she had to be at work. So once again I found myself alone with the kids hidden away in my little cave of a house. As he woke up early showered, shaved and headed out.. out to see her. I once again fell stupidly for his tricky manipulation. He got everything he wanted.. I got a disgustingly dirty fish tank and fish. A fat ugly slimy sucker fish... named "Sucky". he showed up a good 5 hours later. The kids faces glowed with excitement as I grudgingly forced a smile and struggled to hold back tears. He hid his face from me, but a glimpse at his eyes told me enough... I knew the full story. I knew then that there was no part of getting the fish tank that was an actual sincere gesture for anyone but himself. It was an excuse, an excuse for time with her. how they filled that only they will know. But it was enough for me to deeply despise that fish tank. I couldn't despise him, I couldn't put the blame on him for he was full of excuses. He knew well how to work my mind and my heart, he had plenty of practice. I ignored what I knew. I ignored the signs. It was not something I was ready to accept. Instead I secretly wished I could smash the glass of that huge tank allowing the gallons of water to wash away my reality. I secretly wished that damn Fish would die. So I didn't have to watch it swim around with its long sea creature tail and remind me constantly ... of ******. Over the next several months we added several fish to the tank. It had come more too look at then just a daily reminder of reality. The kids loved their fish. My son was constantly feeling the need to give the fish new landscape. he sometimes would decide we needed to put in little soldiers and pretend the fish were in battle, or put in his little monster trucks and pretend the the fish were obstacles. My daughter however had a different approach, she felt she needed to draw pictures for the fish... outside the glass...in permanent marker. Thank god for discipline and alcohol wipes to quickly take care of that problem. I however still despised that damn tank.
When I had gone to my Parents that December I knew I wasn't taking that tank with me... I also knew that there was no way I was going to let him take it either. I had a severe grudge built over this tank. I felt strongly the best idea was to smash it in the road... to let it shatter into a thousand little pieces... Sucky too. It was a great Idea, and in fact I really actually considered it. An exposure of built of emotion. I was tempted. Instead I sold it. An add on a local facebook sales page... 50$ the tank alone. I would take the fish elsewhere. they were after all the kids' all but sucky but for some reason they kinda liked that ugly thing. It went quickly. He claimed to had paid $40.00 ... but maybe it wasn't the tank he was paying for that morning... and I made $50.00 off it. Although it made a pretty darn good deal for me in the end.. I still hated that tank, and that damn fish. The Goldfish went into my fathers little pond, Sucky went elsewhere to an undisclosed location, not very far because I still see that fish often... quite often truthfully and until recently, seeing it brought me just as much disgust.. Until I learned what I was holding onto... the unneseccary grudge I held against a fish and a lifeless tank. As if they were the reason for the events that took place... they like me and the children, were just pawns used to work his art of manipulation.
Ive found myself over and over looking into my situation, the same grudge and unforgivness had taken over my heart. Its a horrible feeling to know its consuming you. I began writing this as an explanation about my grudges, not knowing that I would be ending it with my forgivness. As long as I chose to hold onto a grudge, as long as I chose unforgiveness.... its me that suffers. No one but myself. Although it was not me that had created this situation, it is me who continues to hold onto it... I dont have to forget it, I cant forget it. It has brought me to far, It has brought me here to this wondeful place I am at. It has taught me much, like how to fully forgive and let go of a grudge...
Forgivness
Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with charecter to forgive. When you forgive you release yourself from a painful burden. Forgiveness doesnt mean what happened is OK, and it doesnt mean that person should still be welcome in your life. It just means you have made peace with the pain and are ready to let it go.
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