Wednesday, October 17, 2012

opinions that [dont] matter

Lets face it! Peoples opinions matter. We can say they don't, but they do. At many points in my life it was peoples opinions that directed my path. Being the overly self conscience Person I had become, to me a persons opinion mattered absolutely everything. It started with me at a very young age. Basically being almost 6 foot in 8th grade, taller than all the boys...all except one, and just being the awkward and weird quiet self I am led to easily being singled out...(yes I said I'm quiet, which I very much am UNTIL my shell is broken). I in many situations was a Loner. which I think created it even easier for people on the outside to look in and produce a judgment on me that had no validation. I became accustomed to this in every area of my life. Although it wasn't comfortable to be standing out by myself that way, it wasn't uncomfortable enough for me to stand up and create confrontation, so I allowed it to continue.
I was raised in church, brought up by the bible and survived through prayer. I knew and know right from wrong. Every Sunday was Gods day without choice I would be sitting somewhere in a row of chairs, in a small white church on the corner. I grew up with the same people coming and going. The same group of friends being raised somewhat the same and creating the same bouts of drama. All Judging each other for the same thing they themselves were guilty of. Each year our guilt grew bigger and we blamed each other even more. the older we got the guiltier we became, which is valid, because well Church girls are not always Angels... and the guiltier we were the more opinions we had, more abilities to pass judgment on someone else.
The 2nd to the last daughter of a family with 5 girls, I will self proclaim myself as the mischievous one. I needed attention. Its true I craved, it I longed for it. Negative or positive it was needed. I wanted to be something I wanted my sisters, my parents and those close to me to accept me for who I was. I wanted them to be alright with the things I did. I pushed myself as hard as I thought I could in sports because I wanted them to approve to believe that I had success, I knew by this point that my academics were far from impressing. Now looking back I realize I held back not allowing my full potential to shine through in fear of failure. Because if I failed then what would people think of me? In relationships I waited fro approval from everyone, and if I did not have that approval, if someone believes for some reason that it is not OK, if the believe something is wrong, whatever the rationalization is behind it then I must move on, and search for the next best thing.
Over the years I have become less aware of those opinions and thoughts of others and have chosen to live my life according to the way I feel as if it is needed to be lived. I stopped listening to the thoughts and desires others have for me and chose to listen to what God has put in my heart. Ive stopped worrying so much about what other people say or think about what I'm wearing, how my hair looks, who I'm with, who I decide not to be with, the way my children are raised and my character... because in the end if someone can judge me and my character its only a reflection on theirs. This is not a rationalization of my life, its nothing more than me trying to survive, happily for myself and my babies. God has not placed us on this earth to judge or condemn but to love and accept. We each struggle with our own sins, we all have our failures, let us not use our accomplishments, and our strengths to judge.
In reality of all this I after many years of never feeling adequate enough, I finally find myself fully being able to be and embrace the crazy goofy dork that I am! :)