Sunday, October 14, 2012

inevitable break

September 15th 2011

I packed my car back up, kid clothes, my clothes, boxes of pictures, and all the other stuff I somehow found important. several trips to the car by my Father and I, and there I was, standing alone, making the choice to drive home and give one last chance.
I had laid on my Ma's bed earlier that morning, the kids had gone home with their dad the night before, and my  Daddy already gone off to work. I told her "Mom, I need to go. I need to try. I feel as if I'm released to go home and give what I can to make this work" she looked at me with her knowing eyes and agreed and said she felt the same. At that time, with the level of hurt I was experiencing from deep within, I needed her reassurance. I had at this point already filled her in on my phone calls with the VIP. She knew almost all of the in and outs of my situations. Like all mothers she wants whats best for her children.  In this case she wanted restoration of my marriage, my entire family longed for this. they not all knew the deepness or how far it had already been broken. Most of them only knew that the babies and I had been at my moms for almost a week and that something had gone completely awry. None the less, I had brought my husband into this family, they had taken him in as their own. Although he never wanted to be a part of it, he had become a part of it, they loved him as a brother. They would have to suffer their own deal of hurt if this chance I was about to give was not successful. So for now I had to try and spare them. I had to protect them.
I made the 45 min drive home with every emotion sweeping through me, I cried, I yelled, I was excited for the thoughts that maybe something good would come of this and multiple times I pulled over on the side of that old Highway and fought myself to not turn back, back to my Parents. I made it home, the sun had gone down and the babes were missing from their usual spot in the back seat. I missed them and my heart ached for them, They knew nothing of what was going on, they didn't need to. their precious innocent souls were not ready to learn anything more than what they already knew from life. It was for them I needed to come home, for them I had to give everything left in me to make this work. They deserved a family a place to call home surrounded by love and by peace, and maybe by me trying and fighting I could push through enough, hang on just right and be able to give them all that they deserved.
I sat in the driveway of the place I called home,  It looked so familiar yet so cold. The familiar light from the TV escaped through the front window of a dark house. He was awake he was right on the other side of the door. The man I committed everything to, the man who had promised me and only me to love and to cherish me. He had broken his promise. But here I was ready to forgive ready to make this work for everyone involved....everyone but me. Because somewhere deep inside me I knew that being here was not right. But it isn't always, nor will it ever be just about me... something I had been told a million times before.  I unloaded the car... the door was locked I had left behind my keys the night I fled to my parents. I piled the entirety of it there by the front door. and I sat there on my red chair, the one I knew so well, the one I would sit on as I would watch the babies play and the one I would escape to on those late nights where I needed a place to escape to cry and pray. That was my beloved chair but still it felt cold and hard, just as everything around me had. I sat there staring at the front door the kids must already have been asleep by this time. Was I really suppose to knock? this was my home too. What if he had changed his mind and chose once again to not want to try our hands on making it all work. What if he realized I was back and purposely locked me out? The fear of rejection overcame me, mixed with the fear of failure I became paralyzed sitting there alone in the dark, on a cold hard chair at a place that no longer felt like home.  I began questioning myself. the TV had turned off and the only light left in the house came from the glow of the fish tank that took up my living room, that awful fish tank, he gotten it from her. talked me into wanting it, just an excuse to escape to her house and get in just a bit more ***** time. As if he didn't already get enough. I peeked through the bedroom window, and there he sat on the edge of the bed with his phone in hand he was talking to someone with a smile on his face....and that someone was not me. I should have known at the point but I chose to ignore it. I thought to myself "how can I make the necessary changes and give the right amount of effort to make this work if I cannot trust him, after all trust is a foundation of a relationship, if you cannot trust you have nothing.
I then decided to send him a message. I had taken a picture of simply the front door and the pile of stuff. no words just the picture... a couple of minutes went by and all of a sudden there it was the unlock of the door. I stood there waiting for the door to open, for him to step out and happily greet me, maybe even a hug and an I missed you and if i got lucky he would help me bring our belongings in.... but I waited and there was still nothing. I realized then that there would be nothing. I simply opened the door myself, what was left of my heart was breaking, and my hope shattering. I held back my tears and let myself in, carrying in the stuff. I walked into the bedroom. and their he sat, quickly turning off the screen on his phone. I walked in with the small amount of dignity and strength I had left, and I sat down by his side. nothing more than the simple words " Well you found your way back , I see"... why did he have to be so cold to my broken heart the heart he had broken?
We went to bed after that. I on my side my face turned to the wall to hide my tears. the tears I could not hold back any longer.
The next morning I was happily and joyfully greeted by my two babies. There were those two sweet faces I loved so much. they both crawled onto the bed and laid on either side of me,my son asking about his baby sister in my growing belly and my beautiful little girl showing me her pink princess pajamas. It was for them that I was back. I could handle any and all that was to become... solely for their purpose.
The days went one, He had made somewhat of an effort, their wasn't as much phone use coming from him, and I could no longer see any back and forth from the two of them on the phone bill, My hopes began to rise. We had been spending more time as a family, and he had gone along on a few of the doctor appointment trips, although he sat in the car while I went in alone, I chose to see it as an effort. I longed for this family to make it, and to see it through this tough spot. Maybe it was the wanting to be Xena coming out in me as if I could warrior through it.
He one night had left his phone on the charger after coming home from work early. he had gone into the bathroom. I thought to myself as to why he would have to plug it in.  He hadn't been at work a full day he wasn't suppose to be using it and there had been nothing but data usage on our phone account. Yes I had learned well how to monitor hims. I had to.  Something was not right. So while he was in their I once again hacked into his phone and went straight to his email....There it was, The "I still love you, we just cant talk much for a short while, things have to calm down" that wasn't the only one there were many more. My heart sank it was the final proof. Not only was he still in contact with her, he was also asking her to bare with him as he waited for things to settle before they continued on with their fling.
I confronted him, this time allowing him to know what I knew, He wasn't the only one she was fooling around with, their were many more, and the breakup between her and her boyfriend was not much... she still ran back to him every chance she got. There ever so faithful love was not at all what it had seemed to either one of them. It had become a web of lies, manipulation and betrayal.  He then was forced to realize that this girl he thought so highly of, and also thought so highly of herself was about as faithful as he was to me.
I at this point was at my 8th month of pregnancy. So many problems being faced. I knew I was done I knew there was no moving forward. but I had to stick around just a bit longer. this baby had to make it out of me alive and well before I could leave at this point only two people knew my decision as well as my reasoning behind it. My best friend who stood by my side through it all and the VIP. My best friend knew because well she knew everything I needed her wittiness and her quick rational thinking, and the VIP because well it was inevitable. He was going through the same thing and I needed his support. support from someone who knew fully the entire situation, but someone who had no connection to either my husband nor myself, But simply wanted the best for my children and I. There were many complications with this pregnancy, I was not at all surprised by this with the lack of sleep and food, combined with the stress and emotions theres no wonder as to why the complications were as bad as they were. 

I went about life normally for what was the remainder of this arrangement, i continued with my routine schedules. I threw my daughters 3rd birthday, which falls on Halloween, we had taken them trick or treating after. I prepared for the baby and continued taking my son to preschool. After the baby was born I brought her home held and loved on her. She was a huge part of the reason I had made it thus far. I ate because of her, I slept for her, I chose to be happy for her and the kids.... and when I cried I cried for her, because she would never know what it would be like to grow up with an unbroken family. I carried her in my belly for the hardest time of my life. I wanted her when he told me he didn't. to me she was MY baby not his.

10 days after she was born I stood in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner for his family. he helped with the kids and made some fried potatoes. for those few moments in the kitchen with him I chose to enjoy it with him...becuase I knew it would be the last. 
Not long after I finally found the strength to face the inevitable. It was the day before my sons preschool Christmas recital  4 days before chritmas, and the last day of school for him until after winter break. I had already told him my plans of staying at my parents for a couple days to spend some time with my sister who was coming in from Flagstaff. But now I needed to fill him in on the rest of my plans.  He came into the room where I was feeding the sweet new baby. I asked him to shut the door and I began to explain to him that I would leave to my moms, me and the kids after the recital... and I wasn't coming back. He stood there blank faced with no emotion at all. I explained that I could no longer go on the way we were. I had filled him in on the other stuff I had found on his phone, the dating sites and facebook messages to random girls, I told him I was done. I had given him everything I had and it had yet to work. there was nothing left to try. I was done not being enough, done being his reason for unhappiness and I was done carrying the burden myself. I had realized that this marriage of lies and dishonesty was not healthy, It was not something my children needed to learn was OK. The children and ourselves deserved to be happy and no one was able to be happy in this environment. I knew full heartedly that when I left I was not coming back. I had spent hours asking God for a change of heart, and for one more chance but it wasn't there. Our marriage, was a shell, everything I had put into had gone away. There was nothing left and nothing left to put into it. the next day Once again I packed my car my kids and my dignity and I drove away. Away from everything I knew and set off to face a new world, a world unknown to me.

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