circumstance happenstance or perfectstance?

lallygagger... that's me! I Lallygag! I was supposed to write my thanksgiving post of all that I was thankful for and here I am 9 days after my deadline, and its finally getting  done. Its not that I'm not thankful for all those I have in my life, I'm just too busy enjoying them to take the moments to sit down and write. so here I am on this beautiful Saturday evening, the end of a perfectly wonderful day. Here I am with a smile on my face and cup of hot coffee in my hand. and I realize that no matter how many words I put down I will never be able to fully express how blessed, happy and thankful I am for all that I have been given. though God has shut many doors in my life, he always opens something much more amazing.

lal·ly·gag

  [lah-lee-gag, lal-ee-]

verb (used without object), lal·ly·gagged, lal·ly·gag·ging. Informal.

1.

to spend time idly; loaf.

2.

to indulge in kisses and caresses; make love; neck.

The second part of that definition was not what I was looking for, but hey, I will take it. :) Its kind of like it was meant to be there. Isn't it amazing how sometimes we end up where we never thought or imagined we would be. But its exactly where we were meant to be. It was just a couple months ago i was sitting in a sermon given my dear Uncle Bill, when he said, "This must be where I'm supposed to be, or else I'd be somewhere else." It gave an all new perspective of how things happen to be. Yes in life we are given choices and with those choices we change outcomes, outcomes of simple situations but more importantly our choices make a huge impact on our present and future. On most things once a choice is made there is no turning back, however we are able to learn and grow from our choices. With that we are also able to know exactly where we don't ever want to be again and also where we do want to be. 

I love how that out of nowhere, more like once I handed my life over to God, that he was able to begin making the changes to my heart and to my circumstances.

He actually began with my heart, he took my heart that had become dirty,  I had lost compassion, I was unable to feel. I became numb, i could slowly feel my life and myself becoming much less and much heartless than I had thought I possibly could become. But there I was I had almost fully became that girl with holes in my soul and a heart 3 sizes to small.  God began to once again reveal to me just how off track I had become just how much I had transformed from that girl i was meant to be. I knew that with this realization I could no longer live on that same self destructive path. I chose to make drastic changes. very uncomfortable changes. During that discomfort I didn't know how exactly my circumstances were going to change. But I knew that by putting my trust fully in God that he would mold me and my life exactly how he desired. there's a scripture that I love;

8For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts

Isaiah 55:8

I love how comforting that is. Because even when we think we have things under control, we don't. But He does. So even though it came as a shocker as a blow me away at how good God is to me,  as a knock me off my feet how surprised as i was, I accept it as nothing less than a blessing that God once again poured his love out on me when I least deserved it.


He prepared my heart, taught me my lessons, changed my train of thought and then just at the right time threw someone I least expected into the life of my kids, my family and myself. I am blessed in so many way. But one of my favorite ways God has blessed me is with the people he has hand selected to put in my life, from co- workers, friends, family, my kids and of course the love of my life that became my best friend.

D A T I N G !!!

The Seasons are changing, the hot days are now cool, the tank tops are now only working for the day and are getting covered up by sweaters at night, the flip flops are off the shelves and the most amazing boots are now everywhere (Yes, I Love dem boots) there are Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Apple pie, Hay rides and Halloween decor and of course one of my favorite fall events..other than the fair... the bows, the arrows, the rifles and shotguns come out, the weather cools and the hunters prepare to go out, and then of course there is the overwhelming amount of men all of a sudden grocery shopping for their days away at elk camp, filling their carts with beer, hot dogs  beer, cupcakes, beer, jerky, beer and whatever other junk food they find momentarily appetizing. But even with all this greatness.  I usually am sad to see summer go. I love the Sun, my cut off jeans and Lord knows I love Summer nights. but this year I am beyond delighted to see the leaves begin to change and the pumpkins appear on doorstep and this season change. Seasons are one of the most Beautiful creations and the change of Seasons is a gift straight from our wonderful creator. 

There was a time that I never thought that I would be here. Here living life Single. Although I now declare myself Single on my taxes and my official facebook status states Single(because well nothing is ever official until it hits Facebook ;) ) I am not "single" I am, and yes this is my self given title " The girl not in relationship, some consider single but is not because single= one,  but she has 3 kids and a dog named Rue who may be needier than any other male on the planet" so the phrase " its complicated" is much better suited for this girl. not because I am in a complicated relationship, but because my situation is complicated. 

                                                                 ----Needy Dog-----

When I first stepped foot out of the courthouse after that finalizing court day last June, I had no Idea what to expect. I knew that from that moment on I was then officially a "divorcee" a "single mom with 3 kids at the age of 25": Not that I'm complaining... I was actually pretty dang happy as I got in my car and drove to work. But I had no idea what awaited me. DATING IS  SCARY!, Its hard and confusing. it threw me so out of comfort zone, Its worse than standing in line at McDonald's smashed between a bunch of fat people waiting in line for another cheeseburger, or getting pushed to speak when you had no idea you were supposed to, heck its just bad! 

Of course I didn't go straight into the "dating world" I actually ended up finding myself quickly in a relationship. A relationship in which I Learned many things from and spent the first 1.5 years post divorce in. Postponing my dating life even more. 

Before I had gotten married I had never really dated... at all. I had Boyfriends, I had my first love and I had that whole " high school Sweetheart" experience... but never did I date. I guess that's what you get when you Marry at 19. 

Needless to say... I AM ... or until recently  WAS a "dating Virgin" at 26.. yes it could have been worse. I could have been 40 and earned that whole 40 year old title" 

(as hippie as this sounds here we go(I like metaphors)) So my season is changing,  the sun is shining on me now, the cold is over and I'm moving on. I'm what you would call " dating" its a hard world out there. its almost like a game.. wait I take that back, It is a game. But if I have learned anything it is that no matter the game, if you play, your gonna get played. What happened to the straight up of things? The honesty, the straight forwardness. The way I see it, dating is like stinking politics, and its just as corrupt as the government. When you live in a small town, dating someone is the same old thing, its old before its new. Dating out of town is refreshing.. but just that...they are out of town. Its just difficult, there is no assurance of anything. maybe this is Gods way of saying " Have faith and trust in me". Its way to easy to fall back into "comfortable" but comfortable is not where I am intended to be. 

Though I'm thankful for this time in my life, I'm also thankful  that God has shined his light upon me enough to walk me through some great lessons of life before I got to this particular place, because its not me as a "single" person walking through this, its me as   " The girl not in relationship, some consider single but is not because single= one,  but she has 3 kids and a dog named Rue who may be needier than any other male on the planet" and well those three kids and the neediest dog on the planet are walking this with me. 

Thank you God, for blessing me with wisdom, understanding, and peace, as well as this season in my life. 

moving on!

I haven't written much in a while... in fact its been a long while.. mainly because I felt as if this had become a burial ground for my past. I would revisit every once in awhile, only to see how depressing I had become. so now you may see that most of my little notes have been removed... not hidden but gone. I believe if you are going to move on. If you are going to leave the past in the past you have to drop it and walk away. It never ceases to amaze me how God choses to show us things and teach us very valuable lessons.. like Simply trusting in him. Because its us putting our trust in him that allows us to move forward in life in the direction he has called us to go. when I think of this I think of my own children.. like my 6 year old trying to learn how to swim. His fear of letting go leads him to clinging on, not allowing himself to just let go.. and not realizing that even if he couldn't swim the water is only 3 ft deep. he clings he flails.. He's scared... and as much as I tell him he is going to be okay.. he cant hear me. he wont listen to me. In order for him to learn one of the biggest lessons of his life... he must let go.. he must trust me, Just like we must trust in God. So here I am, trusting god, letting go of my own understanding, and putting my faith in one who is much mightier. Life is hard. Life has its struggles it has its downs.. but it also has its peace it has its healing and it has its Joy. we just have to allow ourselves the ability to let go of our burdens and give them to God because only then will he take them away and only then can we have true joy. Claim it. Accept it. Embrace it

The loss of our flesh

Imagine you are a grape, a ripe sweet grape, grown to and with perfection, picked at the very perfect time. Now imagine that you are tossed into a bucket among others, and are poured into a larger contraption... A wine press.
And all of a sudden a force is pushing you down. down into the others. you can slowly begin to feel your skin about to tear the pressure is too much to bear. and then for just a split second the pressure is relieved... but then it is right back, your skin has already weakened it becomes harder to hold on to your flesh. but then this process happens over and over.  continuously bearing this weight and at first you are only leaking your sweet juice but as time goes on and the weaker in the flesh we become the more juice that we release, and then comes the point that there is nothing left of your flesh, just the skin but you, you have become the sought after juice.
 What used to make you Beautiful and what used to define who and what you are is nothing now. It is left behind and unusable. It was your flesh, your pulp. but now the wine maker has taken from that only which he intends to use. only that which is pleasing to him.

 
It doesn't end there. Now you must be sifted and the remaining sediment removed. your closer to your finish product... but in the form you now are in you must continue the process...( lets call this the lukewarm stage. neither cold nor hot. this stage does nothing. you must press on you must be refined). It isn't until these final stages that you begin to resemble what you were intended to be all along.
 

 
Our lives are like a wine press. we must have our flesh crushed so that God can do his mighty work on us to make us who he had always planned for us to be. Just like the Grape bush planted at a winery with a purpose. We had a divine destination while we were still in the wombs of our mothers. we must endure the wine press so that we may continue on to where we were intended and please the Lord.

LOVE

We are human, some of us trust, some of us hope, some of us love, some of us fear, some of us break to hard to do any of the above. We all have had our experiences... some of us have had more than our fair share. What are we supposed to do? We are told to Love and not hate, to trust and not fear. "but i say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." Mathew 5:44 sometimes this doesn't sound so hard, but the truth is, when you look at Love and the definition we are given to follow it becomes difficult to find ourselfs followowing this thouroghly "LOVE SUFFERS LONG AND IS KIND: LOVE DOES NOT ENVY; LOVE DOES NOT PARADE ITSELF, IS NOT PUFFED UP; DOES NOT BEHAVE RUDELY; DOES `NOT SEEK ITS OWN, IS NOT PROVOKED, THINKS NO EVIL; DOES NOT REJOICE IN INIQUITY, BUT REJOICES IN TRUTH; BEARS ALL THINGS BELIEVES IN ALL THINGS HOPES ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS. LOVE NEVER FAILS." 1 CORINTHIANS13:4
We are told to love, regardless of our of our trials and the mountains that we climb in our individual lives. not just love the people that walk the mountains with us, the ones that carry you through the tough times or the ones that we carry. But we are told to love even those that cause us climbing the mountains, the ones that help create our struggles and the ones that have shown no love to us. LOVE this we have been commanded.
So Yesterday and today when I have been battling my own war, I have failed. I have allowed myself to trade love in for hate. regardless of why a person has infected my life in such a way that I have allowed them so much undeserved emotion I still have found my heart in a place of wrong, and allowed myself to hate my enemy as opposed to loving  as I have been commanded. And for this I am wrong. yet another of my own personal struggles.

battle of discouragment

I used to be excited to get up and go to work, Id wake up knowing that I would learn something new. Somewhere along the way of monotonous day to day I have grown tired and discouraged. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I adore the pets I get to spend my day with, and the girls I work alongside. However, I have let discouragement get the best of me. Not that I haven't deserved correction but every time I have received it, I allowed it to bring me down. I would mess something up... and I would face the consequences. Ive always been one to take the blame listen to the lecture, whether or not I was the one who had done the deed in the first place, somewhere within the last few months I somehow began to try to defend myself, maybe I was tired of taking blame for others actions, maybe I was frustrated for getting knocked down for something I honestly tried to do correctly. But the fact is: I became defensive. I became discouraged. I began to feel as if  success was not something I could reach. I continued to try and be happy, to have a smile on my face. I tried to continue to be me... although I didn't feel like me. It had gotten the best of me.I had gotten used to doing things a certain way, but then was told I wasn't fast enough... so I tried to go faster. I began missing important things... like Heart Murmurs. I screwed things up. I pissed people off. never with any intention of doing so. Today I left work... wanting to cry, discouraged and feeling horrible about not only my work performance... but about my character.I felt as if I was I kept sliding down the mountain I was trying to climb. I was frustrated with the feeling of always having to hold back the tears.   I faced that moment where I looked back at the transformation of the person I had become. I had allowed the criticism I have received in every aspect of my life, from my child rearing ways, to the way I practice my faith, with whom I spend my time with and how I perform at work to put a damper on who I am and my true character. I am not a defensive person, I am however a person who quickly becomes discouraged. Its something I know I  need to work on. We all have flaws, we all have areas in our lives that we need Gods help and direction. Some battle with control, some with deceit, some battle with jealousy. Everyone has a battle. This is just one of my many. This is my public and very vulnerable pledge. I must grow out of this area in my life before it takes me further down a path i need not to be on, instead I need to begin the uphill fight to overcome the daily battle of discouragement that affects me in every area of my life.