the promise of 2013

Never have I been one to celebrate the new year, to bring it in with a glass of something sparkling and a big shebang of Happy New Year being yelled out of the mouth of multiple people packed into a room to celebrate the New Year together. In fact almost every single New Year for the most part has spent alone, there were a few times in my younger than 18 years that I would sneak a bottle of sparkling cider into my room and act as if it was something more than juice with bubbles and wait patiently by myself until the clock would change and the new year would begin in which I would say Happy New Year to myself and crawl in bed in which it caused no problems for anyone but my dad who had to drag my butt out of bed in the mornings to got to school. As I got older nothing seemed to change much, except that instead of a glass of juice with bubbles, I held in my hand a bottle of milk and a sleeping baby, or the years I sat in the dark house awake alone by myself waiting for the new year to begin. Never has New Years been a big deal to me, although I always thought it would be a great change of pace in life to spend it with a few good people, and Ive always wanted on of those new year kisses. This year some things will change and its that this year I have a goal and also that  when the clock turns to midnight....I will be asleep, well I hope I am asleep and that the sick baby of mine will finally sleep through the night and I don't go trekking into the new year covered in vomit.

The New year has never had much meaning to me... until now. Because this year I will only move forward... leaving the past behind. This time last year I was living at my parents, moving the few things I was choosing to take from my house in Morenci into my parents garage, I had no real vision as to where the year was going to lead, I just knew that it would be a year of much change, and that it was, my divorce was finalized, I had to learn how to adjust to having my children only half of the time, I had to learn how to be a single mom, I started a new job which turned more into a career, I had to learn how to balance life, bills, single mom hood, kids school, babysitters, sports, work, housekeeping, my faith and a new relationship all within this past year. not saying in the least bit that I conquered any of this because surely I have not. I have gone through this year growing stronger each day, learning more of who I am, and how much of certain things I can handle. Yesterday December 30th would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. I can stand here today without regret that a year ago when I made the decision to walk away, it was the best decision I could have made.

In this new year my Goals are simple. I want to continue to grow in every way possible. I am quite aware that growth only comes from lessons, from pain and and from trials. But I am also aware of the person that I could someday be with the growth in so many areas. from growth in relationships with the people close to me and those who hold very important roles in my life and the relationships with my children. I want my faith to grow, my knowledge of my job, of my life, and all things that pertain to me to grow, I want a growth in my patience level, in my level of grace and mercy, I want growth in  my ability to forgive and to release grudges. there are many ways that I have allot of room to grow in. and this is my goal for 2013. I want to grow.... all while keeping my waist line thin ;)
My night will be spent alone in bed asleep (hopefully) no big party, no midnight kiss, no toast of the glasses... just me, my sleeping babies and a quite home... but a wonderful start to a new year that I will start off by dropping my kids off at the babysitters and clocking in at work.

Happy New Year, and may you have a blessed 2013 as I am sure I will have!

single momhood

Two weeks shy of one year ago, I embarked upon a journey I knew absolutely nothing about. It was a lifestyle I had never learned to live.... because I never had to. I knew I would face struggles, face some level of hardships and see and do things I had never had to see or do. I would have to walk away from the security of a steady paycheck, health insurance and the ability to see and care for my children everyday. I was prepared to work 2 or 3 jobs to make things happen to take care of what needed to be taken care of. I had worked previously but it had been over 5 years since I had to make things work completely by my side and even then there were only a few months that I had been out of my parents house before I was married. At that time there was no car payment to make, my auto insurance was as low as ever, gas and electric were paid in one night of tips from my waitressing job. 6 months after moving out of my parents home I had been put on bed rest... forcing me to no longer work, 1 month later shortly after giving birth to my first born we moved to to a town 2.5 hours away. after that I worked on and off.  Whenever the insignificant other decided I needed to help out more and that I wasn't contributing enough he would send me out to work until he got tire of me not taking care of things well enough at home in which I would then be told to quit. It didn't matter. His checks paid the bills and got us by. Although I at times did financially help out, I never was solely responsible for the entirety of my financial aspects.... Because of this I knew I would have a serious mountain to climb... but to me, with the life I knew I had to walk away from it was nothing short of an ambition I had to follow.
I knew that December day with my heart as cold as the weather, that when I walked away from my secure spot... there was no coming back.
I lived at my parents sharing my old room with my newborn and the two older kids had taken the room at the end of the hall... the room across from my little sister, they loved being so close to their Tia Audrey and spending so much time with their grandparents. Their transition started off well. they adjusted to their circumstances. I got by with what we had and once my youngest was 3 months old and I had to begin allowing her to have more away time from me and more time with her Father, I began searching for a job. It wasn't long before I was sitting in the drive thru of an In and Out Burger in Tucson with my best friend and her phone rang... It was Dawnie, her little sister. There was a baby sitting job at a local church and if I wanted it I could take it. I accepted and soon found myself in a familiar Church's nursery 2 evenings and 1 morning a week. It was enough to cover diapers and formula but I knew I eventually needed to find something more.
I sat in a local Mexican food restaurant with Les, a woman who is a great part of mine and my children's life, she was helping me with divorce papers over lunch. I was just explaining to her my need for a job when I came across an opportunity. A Doctor I knew, was also meeting someone for lunch at the same restaurant. I had known her  for awhile, nothing to personal she employed my little sister a few years back and she was a member of the church I had grown up in. It was Friday and she said I could start the following Monday. God bless her heart, she had no idea what she was getting herself into with having me around.
I was scared yet excited for I knew this was my first big step to my new life. I quickly realized that I knew nothing about the medical Field... let alone the practice of Veterinary Medicine....and I was more than surprised at where I had ended up when on my first day on the job I witnessed an emergency C-Section on a large English Cream Golden Retriever. I was shocked as all get out when a small puppy still in the sac was dropped in my hands and I was told to make him able to breathe, within a few moments and ALOT of teaching on how to make him do so, the small pup in my hands began to squeal and wiggle. I was still just a bit blown away by what had just happened when a lady with a pregnant goat walked in the front door. I somehow found myself holding a goat as they began to tug the baby out of the birth canal, although being a Doctor for 15 plus years she knew what I didn't... the baby goat was dead. so when the leg came unattached to the rest of the body still in the birth canal and was flung back, hitting the owner of the C-Section dog we had just done on the chest, I  about peed my pants from laughter and gasp with horror at the same time.  I realized I had much to learn but I had so quickly fell in love with this profession. From wrestling 100 pound dogs down for a blood draw to vaccinating 200+ head of cattle in a day I knew this would be more than just a job for a paycheck.

 Last Friday I had an amazing opportunity... AAEP. American Association of Equine Practice. It was the annual conference in which we traveled 516 + miles via the Camaro. It was an amazing experience from the knowledge I gained to the chance to sit in a room filled with such intelligent people and truthfully I'm sure I was most likely the most clueless one there. It was a few days filled with so many new experiences. From restaurants with table cloths and the most amazing fillet Mignon that this small town girl has ever tasted. Lessons and chances that I may never come across again. I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity that I was given... Although I was still incredibly happy to get home to all that I love and out of high heels.

Debbie and I off to The House Of Blues at Downtown Disney

The Anahiem Convention Center

Off to learn amazing new things

...That amazing Filet Mignon im talking about... Morton's is where its at!

within this year everyday has been a challenge for me... because everyday I am faced with something I know nothing about. There are days where patients I have loved and cared for find their time to go see Jesus, times where I have had to help patients that have had suffered a horrible injury and condition and have had to send them home knowing that they were going to continue to suffer and then there are the patients that steal every bit of your heart as they fight with all they have to live. Ive learned so much and yet I still yearn to learn more. I have had opportunities I never in my very large imagination one year ago thought I would have.. and although every day as a single mom, balancing life in the only ways I know how I am still able to keep stepping forward with a smile on my face and babies in my arms knowing that the choices I made are still the most productive ones I could have possibly have chose.  For even though every day in this new life of mine with no security, not always knowing if all the bills will be paid, I have full faith in God above that he will continue to provide for me and my babies. I have been blessed with the most amazing people in my life. People who bless me in their own ways every single day,  words of encouragement,  financial blessings and unconditional love. I have been beyond blessed by my VIP, my amazing boss, my family my Friends and fellow co-workers. My life may sometimes look empty from the outside as if I don't have much... but really its as full and as amazing as it possibly can be. I may have had to work my butt off to keep from sinking and at each moment when I thought I was finally going to drown I was rescued. Being a single mom is no easy task but knowing your children are taken care of with the best you can do is still rewarding.
Knowing that you have a family full of love a job that makes you love going to work and a very special Man that somehow found something inside me that I thought was no longer there is an amazing feeling. I don't need all that Earth has to offer, Because I have all that I want and need here in my own little world. It took every bit of strength I had in me to walk away from the life I knew, but I was rewarded with a new strength, a new hope, and a new ability to obtain a life of excellence. I can accept the struggles because in return I receive the blessings... my life is full of blessings.

Sweet Bailey... who after two large surgeries and delivering 10 pups 5 in which survived is fighting with all she has to live. Send your love and prayers her way!!!

letting go of fear

It was an early Spring night. The weather was just begining to warm up, I was somewhat prepared for what was about to happen, my Momma had already prepared me for the devastion i was about to feel. I sat on the tan couch in my Mommas living room, its the same on that now sits in my living room. everything from A-Z was going through my mind. I knew only enough to prepare my heart. I heard an unfamiliar knock on the door, it was wierd, it was the garage door. Only people we knew well came through the garage door, and if we knew them that well....they werent gonna knock...especially him. But there he was standing in his red Fox Racing t-shirt. The look on his face said it all. It all began with a "we need to talk" and even at 16 those words can be heart shocking. I led him through that  house I grew up in and back outside through the sliding doors leading to the large back porch. We akwardly sat on that porch swing outside my parents bedroom. I already could feel the tears begin to builkd up, as we tried to make small talk, both knowing what the end of our conversation was going to hold. I looked into his green eyes and simply but quietly said "say it".... and he did. He began with the whole spilll... " were too young, and we need to see what our other options are" he went on but it only sounded like a bunch of rambles, my head was spiining my heart breaking and my eyes were no longer strong enough to hold back the tears. and then all of a sudden i heard this statement "if its meant to be itll come back again" BULLSHIT... just saying, how do we know that? theres no way to prove that, that is only a line some woman or man made up to make the breaking up proccess easier. He drove away in his marroon Nissan that night leaving me and my broken heart left to pick up the peices...

Ive always looked back at that night wondering why it hurt so bad. Other than him being the first one that I allowed to get that close to me he was nothing other than a 16 year old boy who wanted more chances in life. What did I expect we were only 15 when we began dating.  Im now realizing the truth as to why I always find myself wondering why that night stays in my mind, every detail of it every word.... but now I think I finally understand it.

I allowed myself a chance, a chance to give my heart fully to someone. And he gave it back. Simply handed it back for the chance of better options. I at the point without realizing became unable to be as naive and vulnerable as I was for him. In fact I was so far from being vulnerable and able to  give of myself in that way. The last couple days I have really been looking deep inside myself to figure out how this has affected my life. I in reaction to this began to not allow people too close, to love me and to learn who I trully am. I shut the ability to be myself even to myself in fear of of being rejected for that.  I never thought there would be someone who wouldnt take advantage of that. So here I am realizing that yes hearts will be broken, you lose what you give. But you will never know what is within reach if you never reach for it.

Love and life are a gamble.
give yourself  a chance, regardless of what you fear!

embracing vulnerability

What happens when we become vulnerable?  Yes we leave ourselves, our minds our heart and the essence of our soul wide open for catastrophe, but we also leave it wide open for a beauty in our lives we would not otherwise have.  Its a chance, a step out in faith. No one other than yourself can control your level of vulnerability. No one other than you can decide how deep your layers are peeled back. Yes, if are able to hide yourself behind a rock, you will be protected from that possible catastrophe, but you will also be in harms way of never fully living to the potential in which you were created to live. I may have thought that I had protected myself, that I hid behind a bush well enough to be shielded from the elements... but when I realized I never was, that the bush I was finding refuge in, was a simple stump hiding me from the afternoon sun, not fully hidden but not completely exposed, I simply was able to find myself embracing, the ability to freely be me. The ability to be happy of course I will continue to have worries, I will continue have my insecurities, my second guessing nature will always be prevalent, this is who I am. But being vulnerable, that's part of who I am also, even when I had tried to not allow it to overtake me and I tried to overcome it I failed because that was not how God created us to be. This is me.... embracing even that part of me!!!

Vulnerability

 

Vulnerability, its a concept, an emotion, and a fear. For me it has become one of my deepest fears. Why open our hearts to something that can potentially hurt us? why allow ourselves to be like a deer who stands in an open pasture, enjoying eating from the earth and playing in the warmth of the day, if we know that at any moment one of the many hunters could come out to shoot us down? For awhile there deep inside I felt as if I should hide, hide from light and remain completely and utterly in control of not falling into a vulnerable spot. I had plenty of experiences with leaving myself expose, allowing me to be completely and utterly vulnerable, and each time I have paid the consequences, I had come to place in my life that I felt there was no longer any way I could allow myself to be at all vulnerable. I found myself shutting off those closest to me. I began pushing those closest to me away, I caught myself not allowing myself to bond with my children, because I knew it wouldn't be long before they would go back to their Dad's for a couple days and seeing them go broke every bit that was Left of my heart into pieces everytime. Each time they cried out to me and I had to drive away was like daggers in my soul. I allowed relationships to be built, to develop and to grow... but I still kept it all at a distance. a distance from my heart. It was easier that way. I allowed one single little life to fully come in and love me.... because a dog will not betray you, a dog will love you endlessly, they will sleep by your bed and wag their tail when they hear your voice and prance around in your presence. they will unconditionally wholeheartedly love you.

Biscuit Love, a little yellow lab puppy came to the Clinic from the pound when she was 3 months old, I first began to love her because i thought i could control that love, she was to be sent off at 6 months to a training facility to become a service dog for Veterans, wounded soldiers. I knew each day i could go to work, feed her, give her love, send her outside, give her a treat and teach her to sit. her and Apple, another little 3 month old lab with the same chosen destiny, grew on me rather quickly. Each coming down with parvo i was devastated crying like a hysterical baby as they put a catheter  in Apple's arm and placing her in an isolated parvo room. not long after each had recovered we learned the puppies would have to wait until 2 years of age to be accepted into a training program. At the time Apple had been found a loving home and I scooped my Biscuit up and took her home. I LOVED this sweet dog, my kids and I fell in love, she would grow old in our care, she would be a best friend to each of us, I could train her and love her and she would never betray me.... and then after stepping in several puddles of sticky pee, and a couple blood test later revealed She was type one diabetic, she came down with T1D after having parvo, something extremely uncommon.  a few weeks later after losing the battle of high blood sugar and being unable to adequately level out the right diet to appropriatly stimulate growth but maintain a healthy BS level I gave in to the recommendations of having her put down... I cried uncontrollably in the empty surgery room. at that moment I laid down the law to myself... NO MORE...no more vulnerability, this was in early august, and Ive learned much since then I realized that it doesn't matter if my kids leave me, because they are going to come back, they will still love me, cherish me, and hold me. Its up to me to do the same back to them... because its them that matter not me. I learned that the best people in your life are there to make you grow, to make you strong, to put a smile on your face, and to love you for everything you are and everything you are not. Ive learned that is OK to stand in an open Field and walk through the wildflowers. Because smelling the aroma of an open Field is like feeling love deep in your chest.  Yes vulnerability is something to be cherished not something to be feared.

 

 

 

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wowonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

Thankability

Its November... I can not believe it. November is such a busy month, birthdays mainly,2 nieces, 1 nephew, 1 brother in law, 1 grandma, and my VIP all have November birthdays..I kinda feel like I'm forgetting someone, and holidays and family, of course working extra hours to get through December.  So the thought of following some peoples role of acknowledging one thing each day throughout November that they are thankful for is a little unrealistic for me. Mainly because well If I haven't mentioned it yet one of those horrible characteristics of mine is... I'm sort of forgetful... to say the least. Besides shouldn't we be thankful all year not just November. Shouldn't we count our blessings each and every day not just is seasons.  So here is my thankful list. Not everything may make it on here, but you ll get the gist of it, and honestly its more of having a thankful heart, not just a thankful blog! :)
 

 

 I'm thankful for my babies. For William Tell, who is an amazing little boy with talent and strength who is wise and full of drive. who's green eyes capture his momma each time. For Graci Ann a gorgeous little girl who is always good for a laugh. who reminds me constantly of a woman who stole my heart years ago, a woman who I cherished and loved as a little girl, who I lost as A Grandma and a Friend when I was only 3. Her character is such a reminder of her, And it breaks my heart that My Grandma Rosa never had a chance to know this baby girl who is so much like her yet so much like me. A nosey, into everything, funny, strong and witty little girl who always knows the right time to make me feel like a million bucks. For Aurora LeAnne, who is the sweetest little gift from God a Hysterically hilarious 1 year old who got me through the toughest time in my life yet. She steals my heart each and every time she calls out to me. I'm thankful for each and every day I have with them, Thankful for their hugs their kisses their ability to make me laugh and make my heart melt.

I'm thankful for my family, My Daddy who has loved me unconditionally even when he shouldn't, I'm thankful for the amazing man he is and always has been, a wonderful example of how a man should be. A man who I have cherished absolutely every moment and memory I have with, who's unwavering faith and compassion is remarkable. My Ma, who even though I'm a straight out shit sometimes, she is always there to pick me up, sometimes she has to get a good laugh in first but none the less she is there. her love for her family is like no other and has taught me over and over how to have have that same love and loyalty. Each of my sisters, who each have had a part in the making and molding of who I am. They are a constant reminder of unconditional love and the true meaning of sticking together. They are each beautiful inside and out in their own way... each with a heart of gold. I'm thankful for my Nieces and nephew that i absolutely adore... each and every single one of them have stolen a chunk of my heart. And my brother in laws, the funny, smart and pain in the asses... (some of them) that they are. they are great and perfect additions to our ginormous family we have.




I'm thankful for Mimi and Papa T, For all the love and support they give to my family, for the hugs and love they give to each of us. For Showing time and time again true love. who's love for each other is a remarkable sight, their love story is beautiful. As beautiful as they are, I adore them.

Im thankful for "Abuelita Linda" and Tio John, who shower my babies with love and have been a huge part of their lives for the last several months. There is no one better suited to care for my children the way they do. they are a blessing in so many ways.

I'm thankful for my Best of Friends, and all those who find my dorkiness somewhat manageable enough to still stick around. The girls who have made me laugh uncontrollably, the ones who tell me how it is.. in their own smartass way. I'm thankful For DeAnna Rae who for the last 15+ years has been in my life. The girl I have fought with over absolutely nothing and the girl who has been there for me during the best and worst times of my life. The girl who my day does not feel complete until we have had a conversation of some sort even if it is just about tampons or shoes. The girl who got me out of as much trouble as she has gotten me into. The girl that is usually always the first one I call. She Is Auntie DeNanna to my babies and the perfect best Friend to me.
 I'm thankful for Jackie... My beautiful Jack who has been through so much but yet her heart is just as pure as it was the day she immediately became another Best Friend 10 years ago... a nerdy little 8th grader who stole my heart with her smart ass wittiness and her gorgeous big brown eyes. Despite my horrible influence that I take complete responsibility for. The only person in the world I would have at 17 ran down the street naked with due to a lost bet. She is responsible a VERY LARGE PART for the laughter I have. She points things out in a situation I would have never of seen. She is not only next to me most of the time... she is a part of me. I'm thankful for her and her two babies, that have become best Friends with my babies. I love them so very much. I'm thankful For them. 

Stephanie who makes me laugh uncontrollably with her laugh and smile that lights up the room,

For Ashley who is always there. For Sarah Miller with the biggest and funnest personality. For Sarah Petty Britt.... The Girl that got away... A Friend so genuine and amazing a girl that I have created so many memories with a girl I miss so very much. Despite our growing apart I will always consider one my best of Friends.
 


 I'm thankful for a Beautiful wonderful woman inside and out that God has put into my life. A woman who has played an ideal part of where I am today, who has taken me in and loved me, who gave me a job, a place to rent, who has opened her life up to me and my children and has loved us so very much. A woman who has become more than just a boss, more than just a spiritual sister... but a friend... a friendship I cherish. Her and her little monchers are an ideal part of my family. I love them each.
I'm thankful for those wonderful girls that I get to spend everyday with, Jennifer, Shannel, Devri, Bama, Tammi, Mary, and Dakota. These girls put up with my mood swings, my dorkiness, my mistakes, my children... all with smiles on their faces, they make me laugh they make me smile and accept me everyday. I couldn't imagine better people to work alongside of.

I'm thankful for the aunts the uncles and ALL (theres ALOT) my cousins. Im thankful for my Grandpas who worked and loved as hard as they did, and my Grandmas that I learned so much from. Im thankful for the time we still have with Grandma Jo, a woman with a heart of gold. A true child of God.

I'm thankful for my home, for my car, for my ability to work. I'm thankful for everything God has blessed me with. Including every trial and rough spot I have hit... because its those that make me strong. They are those that help realize all I should be thankful for.
and... I'm thankful for Tabasco, smart phones, Kit-Kats, funny movies and chocolate.

Theres much not listed but thatll have to wait for another time because bedtime calls!

iTs WhO I aM!!!

 My eyes have been blinking my body breathing and my heart beating for over 25 years now. I have had the same 4 sisters and the same two parents, although my family continues to grow and occasionaly it shrinks. Ive had other people in and out of life, my life is like a carousel, people get on for the ride and then they get off, some come back for more and some never return. But there are the people that get on and never chose to leave me and it is from them that I have learned this:


I am STUBBORN. I am a mess. I cant hold a tune and cant dance to save my life. Im akward and weird. I can be annoying. Im occasionaly shy. Im disorganized. Im lazy. Im a complete dork. I have my insecurities... < this is so very true. I am HARD headed. I many times cannot stand up for myself. Im always reading way to far into things. I AM NOSEY!!!!!! I ramble. I mumble. I talk to quiet. I talk to loud. I am way to tall. I like to eat. I snore. My car is always a mess.  I leave trails. I hate to wear shoes. Im socially akward. I care far too much what other people think. I let others control way too much of me. I give horrible directions. I never use a timer. I let dishes sit in the sink. I let (not make) my kids eat dog food. I have a big nose... and a big butt. I can hold a serious grudge. i have horrible timing for things. I say completly inappropriate things. I have no sense of style. I use way to much salt. Im GRUMPY. I find it easier to do things MY way as opposed to the right way. Im crazy and a little bit wild. I can not pay attention. I try to do things way to fast. Im a horrible driver. I never check my oil or my tires. I care way to much about what others think. I talk crap when I have no place too. I come off rude and stuck up. I get mad over things I shouldnt. I never speak up. I would make a horrible business person. I hate putting laundry away. Im a complete airhead. I let my kids get away with way too much. Im not all that fun and sometimes my eyes are the only thing that will speak whats on my mind.


But if people cant love me for all that. then they dont get to love me for anything else because I love unconditionaly, Ill always be there for someone. My heart doesnt know how to say no. When I smile it is 99% of the time genuine. Ill make you absolutly anything you want to eat. I almost always can find more good in a person than bad. When I speak its the truth. When I love its everything. When I share its sincere. When I clean its thorough. When I give, Its everything I can. When I laugh its true. When I promise its with the best of intentions and my kids are absoultly the best part of me.


Yes the bad definetly out wieghs the good. But thats only because I am human. I am not super special... but I am special to a handful ofpeople. I dont have to be loved by everyone because not everyone can handle it. But I am loved by the right people, and that is all I need. so if you cant handle the worse of me dont expect the best of me! If you cant love the bad in me you dont deserve the good in me! I am who I am I havent changed yet... I kinda dont think im going to now!

SUCKY GRUDGE

Theres people in my life who have probably heard me mention a fish tank... in fact if they heard it once, they probably heard it several times. With annoyance and hostility in my voice I might add. although they most likely don't know why I'm mad at a simple fish tank and the damn ugly "Sucky" fish that swam around in it.In fact thinking about it now well over a year after I had my little run in with this darn tank and fish, I am now finding myself wondering... WHY? myself!



Sometime in August 2011

My husband had started talking about how we should get some fish for the kids, this was odd to me... not just the fact that he was having a conversation with me at all, which was odd. but that he all of a sudden wanted fish. I had among the previous years asked if the kids could have some little fish many times, always getting nothing more thoughtful than a no. It was never a hesitated no a I will think about it no, it was just a flat out don't ask twice NO! But here we were, in the middle of an already bad situation and he was trying quite diligently to talk me into fish. But it didn't stop there.He also thought a Big fish tank would top off the idea he all of a sudden thought this was the best idea he could have ever come up with. At first I didn't understand but trying hard to make anything and everything work out for the family I agreed it was a good idea, not only because I myself had tried many times to have one or two little fish for the babies to admire, but I think I actually thought as if having some fish swimming around a giant tank in my living room would fix the brokenness of this little family. So of course I agreed with him in this decision not knowing their was more to it then I saw.
After several days of fish talk and him supposedly looking and searching online for a tank suitable for the children, very conveniently there was one available. A fish tank with a sucker fish named "Sucky" needed a home and for only 40$ it was all ours. then I learned a little more... this conveniently available fish tank was at the home of the miss thing he had been seeing. I'm not sure exactly her reasoning for getting rid of it to be honest, I only knew that he had already, long before mentioning fish at all to me had known that he would be bringing that tank home. Of course I had a few smart ass comments, because well I'm pretty darn good at making those. But none the less, Here I was faced with the decision of taking in ******'s tank.... and the damn "sucky". I could not say no at this point. after all he had used the phrase "for the kids" and if I said no then I would be taking away something from them... or so he made me think. He could feel my hesitation, he must have because then suddenly he began to incorporate me into the plan. He attempted to make me comfortable with the entirety of the idea by saying he wanted me to go along to pick it up with him. I then agreed. I stupidly thought that by him taking me along, he was actually proud enough of me to have me with him. That was something that was rare in itself. yeah of course I went with him places... to his dads house and to the truck/tractor pulls... but really I wasn't there with him. Id always go with him but we were never together. id be in the corner, to the side (just not his side) in the stands or in the truck. It was always a simple equation me+kids-him= normal. I hated the fact that he never took me places. He would go in the store and make me stay in the truck, or he would stay and make me go. He never wanted to go anywhere with me. It was always a struggle, always an argument. So of course when offered the chance to go along I accepted. Besides, obviously if he was taking me along to see ****** then there must not be too much going on. We had an agreement he told her we would take the  tank, and he told me I was going along to pick it up. It wasn't much on my end but it was enough to bribe me just enough to commit. It was a commitment of faith, and hope. Faith in my husband, that he wasn't crossing boundaries with her and hope that this was proof that my marriage wasn't in shambles. For me it wasn't just a fish tank, it was much more. It was another thread that was holding what was left of my heart together...and he pulled it just right.
He sat on that wooden rocking chair, he now had an excuse to openly talk to her. to sit and text her throughout the night, a constant back and forth between them as he blocked out everything that was happening in the little world before him. He was supposedly making plans for us to pick it up. Well as I had come to learn, for him to pick it up. I was somehow kicked out of the plan. How could he surprise the kids with a fish tank if they were along with us when we got it, so of course It was just me and the kids. So the new plans had come out to be that, he would leave early in the morning... like 5:00 on a Thursday morning early to get it. Apparently she had to be at work at 6:00 am and he needed enough time to get there and load it before she had to be at work. So once again I found myself alone with the kids hidden away in my little cave of a house. As he woke up early showered, shaved and headed out.. out to see her. I once again fell stupidly for his tricky manipulation. He got everything he wanted.. I got a disgustingly dirty fish tank and fish. A fat ugly slimy sucker fish... named "Sucky". he showed up a good 5 hours later. The kids faces glowed with excitement as I grudgingly forced a smile and struggled to hold back tears. He hid his face from me, but a glimpse at his eyes told me enough... I knew the full story. I knew then that there was no part of getting the fish tank that was an actual sincere gesture for anyone but himself. It was an excuse, an excuse for time with her. how they filled that only they will know. But it was enough for me to deeply despise that fish tank. I couldn't despise him, I couldn't put the blame on him for he was full of excuses. He knew well how to work my mind and my heart, he had plenty of practice. I ignored what I knew. I ignored the signs. It was not something I was ready to accept. Instead I secretly wished I could smash the glass of that huge tank allowing the gallons of water to wash away my reality. I secretly wished that damn Fish would die. So I didn't have to watch it swim around with its long sea creature tail and remind me constantly ... of ******. Over the next several months we added several fish to the tank. It had come more too look at then just a daily reminder of reality. The kids loved their fish. My son was constantly feeling the need to give the fish new landscape. he sometimes would decide we needed to put in little soldiers and pretend the fish were in battle, or put in his little monster trucks and pretend the the fish were obstacles. My daughter however had a different approach, she felt she needed to draw pictures for the fish... outside the glass...in permanent marker. Thank god for discipline and alcohol wipes to quickly take care of that problem. I however still despised that damn tank.
When I had gone to my Parents that December I knew I wasn't taking that tank with me... I also knew that there was no way I was going to let him take it either. I had a severe grudge built over this tank. I felt strongly the best idea was to smash it in the road... to let it shatter into a thousand little pieces... Sucky too. It was a great Idea, and in fact I really actually considered it. An exposure of built of emotion. I was tempted. Instead I sold it. An add on a local facebook sales page... 50$ the tank alone. I would take the fish elsewhere. they were after all the kids' all but sucky but for some reason they kinda liked that ugly thing. It went quickly. He claimed to had paid $40.00 ... but maybe it wasn't the tank he was paying for that morning... and I made $50.00 off it. Although it made a pretty darn good deal for me in the end.. I still hated that tank, and that damn fish. The Goldfish went into my fathers little pond, Sucky went elsewhere to an undisclosed location, not very far because I still see that fish often... quite often truthfully and until recently, seeing it brought me just as much disgust.. Until I learned what I was holding onto... the unneseccary grudge I held against a fish and a lifeless tank. As if they were the reason for the events that took place... they like me and the children, were just pawns used to work his art of manipulation.

Ive found myself over and over looking into my situation, the same grudge and unforgivness had taken over my heart. Its a horrible feeling to know its consuming you. I began writing this as an explanation about my grudges, not knowing that I would be ending it with my forgivness. As long as I chose to hold onto a grudge, as long as I chose unforgiveness.... its me that suffers. No one but myself. Although it was not me that had created this situation, it is me who continues to hold onto it... I dont have to forget it, I cant forget it. It has brought me to far, It has brought me here to this wondeful place I am at. It has taught me much, like how to fully forgive and let go of a grudge...

Forgivness 
Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with charecter to forgive. When you forgive you release yourself from a painful burden. Forgiveness doesnt mean what happened is OK, and it doesnt mean that person should still be welcome in your life. It just means you have made peace with the pain and are ready to let it go.

traveled[paths]

Lately I have been asked if I would change things from my past, and although yes would be an easy answer, I look at what I have now and who I have become and I have to say no. Yes life would have been easier if I had left a few roads untraveled, and chose to never leave a few roads I redirected myself from. Every stone in every path I have walked, tells a story every stumbling block that has caused me a fall has taught me a lesson. Where I have been has created who I have become.
I feel sometimes as if it was only yesterday that I walked the halls of my old high school, the hand of my high school boyfriend linked in mine. See at one point in time I had a great relationship. One that was not only an attraction but also a friendship. We were certain that this was something that would never cease to continue... Until I, based on others opinions, thoughts and words made the decision to walk away from that path we had so wonderfully created. So when I found myself on another path of an unequally yoked, relationship with someone who lacked a sense of morals and true family value I had no one to blame but myself. It was I who had chosen that road. A road with weeds, and many sharp pointed rocks. I believed that those Xena super powers would come alive and I would somehow be able to smooth out the path. to not only make it able to travel but if I added my love, my faith, my everything and if I brought in beautiful precious children then maybe just maybe I would be able to create a beautiful journey... but I was wrong... I poured everything I was into the transformation of the path, without a result... I couldn't even make it bearable. I left all that I was everything I had on the side of that rocky road and as painful as it has been to walk barefoot upon those rocks, the further away I am from that road the smoother it has become. and though my soles are callused my heart is not. For now I realize its not the road I'm on but who is alongside me on that road. Its about how I take the lessons learned and the strength gained from my trials and apply them to my life. No I would not change where I have been because it is what has created who I am, It is how I was blessed with my children. those roads are what led some of the closest people in my life today to now be beside me. Yes it has been a series of hard paths, but they are paths that no one besides myself has chosen for me to take. They are what has created me and all I am. They are the reasons for the baggage I hold and the reasons for the blessings that make me whole.

Sunday Coffee Cups

Some people think traditions are dumb, maybe that's because they've never had them. Some people work hard to create traditions... and some people just let them happen.
I Love traditions, the overly sentimental person I am thrives off of them. Like decorating my parents house for the holidays along side my sisters, with the sound of Silent Night and Dreaming Of A White Christmas playing in the background, getting lost by the sound of laughter and crackling wood in the fireplace. Most traditions are worth keeping.
Of all traditions there is one that I particularly enjoy, you see this is one of those traditions that just fell in to place... it just happened, and I absolutely love that it did. We call it our Sunday Coffee. Because its just that, two people and two cups of coffee, always brewed to perfection. Several months ago.... like 10 months ago, I was a broken soul. I had been brought down to as low as I could be brought. My self worth was diminished. There was much support around me during this time. My sisters my parents my best friend, and Jon... my VIP :). Each playing a very important role in my recovery process. This begins my journey with my VIP. Of all the above only  he knew the very in depth details of the year before, the journey that had brought me to the place I was at. His uplifting and encouraging words of wisdom fed my strength. It was a cold Sunday morning in January, feeling at my lowest, I stopped by on my way to church, I needed a talk, I needed someone who already knew to listen to me, I needed someone to not tell me what I wanted to hear, but rather what I needed to hear. It was then that it began, somehow it had fallen into place. Although many of these Sunday conversations took place before church, sometimes it would be after, other times there would be Hot Cocoa during the evening hours, but it never failed... there was always a partaking of a Sunday conversation. This still continues, over 10 months of Our Sunday Coffee, yes of course we have missed a few Sundays due to happenstance, but even then our conversation would follow through... thanks be to Jesus for phones. whether it be in his kitchen or mine, accompanied by Chorizo and eggs, pancakes or french toast, a house full of babies or the silence of an empty house, there has never been a Sunday I wished didn't happen. The tears, the laughter, the smiles, the hugs and the dancing barefoot in the kitchen have been nothing short of a gift from God. My VIP is a man I have grown to appreciate in so many ways and am so thankful for the time I have with him by my side. Sometimes traditions don't need to be created, sometimes they are a gift that keep on giving. A gift that no one else needs to understand but yourself.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzOFpLqlNY&feature=related

Beauty for ashes.

I heard about this girl, her husband had an affair. What did she do? She had a bomb fire. Her lingerie given to her as wedding gifts, pictures, letters memorabilia, and her wedding dress. She burned it all. I remember thinking to myself, why would she burn it, why wouldn't she sell her dress, give it away, or make something out of it. After all that's a lot of material to just let turn into ashes. Why would she invite people over and burn it. those are memories. Why lose them. It never made sense to me.... Until I was faced with much of the same situation.
Its funny how something so simple as a white dress can mean so much to you at one point in your life and absolutely nothing at another. I remember picking out my wedding dress, it was more of a shotgun wedding than anything else. I was pregnant and the pressure was on. it wasn't an experience that I am particularly fond of. picking out a dress when you are 3 months pregnant knowing your going to have a much different shape and range of sizing by the time your 5 1/2 months pregnant walking down the aisle. Our budget was low, my sweet big sister searched high and low for the perfect dress for me, finally finding a dress from an online eBay shop. some Chinese lady from California. it was perfect it was cheap and it would fit my belly that's all I needed. I couldn't be picky... I didn't deserve to be picky. How can you have the perfect wedding you dreamed of when you are getting married in a situation like that. Being a very sentimental person, I oddly never had any attachments to that dress. It was never my dress. Not the one I had thought I would wear, but I also wasn't getting married under the circumstances I imagined, I never got the "proposal" I had dreamed of. and my ring.... well that's a story of its own. My dress never fit me just right but how could it? it was made by some lady 1000 miles away who had a simple guess as to what my shape would be at that time. I only wore it for a couple hours. after that it took its place in the back of a closet at my Mom's house Smashed behind the years of accumulated prom, frolic, graduation and random bridesmaids dresses.
So when I Packed my belongings, my life and moved into my parents last December, that wedding dress nor anything else wedding associated was on my mind, I had no love letters, no mothers day ,valentines day birthday or anniversary cards... there was never flowers that were given to me to dry and keep as a reminder of his love or thoughts, no albums of pictures of us in embrace. There was nothing to keep.  It was simple, He and I lived alone together. We were a couple of singles. The only thing that had created a marriage between us was a change of my last name and signatures on a paper. Although I tried continually to create a relationship within that marriage I routinely failed. there was no way around it. Our separation was inevitable. there was nothing from that marriage worth keeping. nothing but what I needed to have to get by. Clothes for the kids, photo albums of the kids and me growing up. A crib for my 2 month old, and the one appliance I couldn't let go... My Maytag double Oven Stove. why I felt so attached to that I have no clue, maybe because it was the one thing that was MINE! The wedding dress never crossed my mind. It stayed hidden in the closet. The closet in the room at my moms that I once called my own.
After moving back in with my parents and taking 1/2 their home hostage for several months, the dress relocated into a black back and got pushed into the garage. I remember sitting in front of my parents Fireplace next to my baby sister both with a cup of hot coffee in our cold hands trying to save ourselves from the cold of a mid January morning. I said to her" I understand why people burn things, they do it because sometimes by burning the cold from your past you are able to then add warmth to your future"  I don't think she fully understood what I was talking about, nor does she know my temptations to toss that black bag stuffed with a white dress that I honestly grew to hate. I didn't understand as to why I had not had the peace to do so. I thought maybe someone could benefit from this dress but what are the chances of a 5'11" girl needing a wedding dress while she is 5 months pregnant? The chances were slim but God always has bigger plans than us.
 Just about a month ago early one Sunday morning I received a text from my best friend, at first I thought she was joking, in fact I at first thought there was no way she wasn't joking. she had said her husband had told her he wanted a divorce. She was serious and I was heartbroken. How could it be. Every impression I had of these two, was all about the love they had together. They, Unlike my marriage had spent time together, creating memories, making plans, and sharing dreams. He took her out, and she brought him coffee in bed. He gave her sweet tokens of love and she gave him her affection. My heart broke for her, I knew what she was going to face, I knew the road she would travel, because once again in our lives we were traveling the same road. My heart also broke at the thought of this love, this marriage this promise to love and cherish to the very end was shattered.. Gone. How could love just go away, and if it so easily leaves then is it really love. Is there really a such thing as love. I knew my own relationship which had been held together only by empty promises and  expectations from the outside was nothing close to a love worth devotion and dedication. But the love they had, or seemed to have was something I had looked up to and secretly longed for. I wanted someone to want me, to need me and to want to make me love them back. I wanted to be Worth that. and they had given me hope for that. So not was my heart shattered for my hurting best friend but for also the thought of love being nonexistent, unavailable, and something that only was made up in fairy tales, and people pretending to be their beauty and the beast. The next couple weeks I watched unable to fix her brokenness. I cried for her, and longed to be closer to her to hold her tight. I knew she had much healing to do. So I was so excited when she called and told me that she was coming to town.... coming to burn her dress. I then knew exactly why God had led me to hold onto mine a while longer.
 
 

 

 

 

 

It was a Thursday night, her daddy's truck me her, a very close friend and her little sister... which made me wish for my little sister to be back from Cali for the night so she could be apart of this. We drove up an old dirt road, used cellphones for flashlights as we gathered wood and there we built ourselves a fire. There DeAnna stood, a white plastic bag of those things she once cherished a little black teddy bear, some ribbon roses a sign that had once beautifully embraced their home with her new last name, her wedding bouquet... that she so proudly held as she walked down the aisle as a beautiful bride, and that dress that gorgeous dress that hid her hot pink heels. the dress she danced the night away in. I knew this night was not about me but about her. she needed the healing I was past this point. all I had was a dress. There was nothing else given to me worth holding onto. we laid the dresses their together and lit them with matches each our own. There we stood around this burning fire, watching what once was beauty turn to ash. Realizing that yes I too needed this. It was all I had left of an empty marriage. There late at night in the middle of the desert, Tim McGraw playing loudly in the background, sitting on a tailgate, beers in hand.... watching our past turn to ash, knowing a warmer future awaits us both.

opinions that [dont] matter

Lets face it! Peoples opinions matter. We can say they don't, but they do. At many points in my life it was peoples opinions that directed my path. Being the overly self conscience Person I had become, to me a persons opinion mattered absolutely everything. It started with me at a very young age. Basically being almost 6 foot in 8th grade, taller than all the boys...all except one, and just being the awkward and weird quiet self I am led to easily being singled out...(yes I said I'm quiet, which I very much am UNTIL my shell is broken). I in many situations was a Loner. which I think created it even easier for people on the outside to look in and produce a judgment on me that had no validation. I became accustomed to this in every area of my life. Although it wasn't comfortable to be standing out by myself that way, it wasn't uncomfortable enough for me to stand up and create confrontation, so I allowed it to continue.
I was raised in church, brought up by the bible and survived through prayer. I knew and know right from wrong. Every Sunday was Gods day without choice I would be sitting somewhere in a row of chairs, in a small white church on the corner. I grew up with the same people coming and going. The same group of friends being raised somewhat the same and creating the same bouts of drama. All Judging each other for the same thing they themselves were guilty of. Each year our guilt grew bigger and we blamed each other even more. the older we got the guiltier we became, which is valid, because well Church girls are not always Angels... and the guiltier we were the more opinions we had, more abilities to pass judgment on someone else.
The 2nd to the last daughter of a family with 5 girls, I will self proclaim myself as the mischievous one. I needed attention. Its true I craved, it I longed for it. Negative or positive it was needed. I wanted to be something I wanted my sisters, my parents and those close to me to accept me for who I was. I wanted them to be alright with the things I did. I pushed myself as hard as I thought I could in sports because I wanted them to approve to believe that I had success, I knew by this point that my academics were far from impressing. Now looking back I realize I held back not allowing my full potential to shine through in fear of failure. Because if I failed then what would people think of me? In relationships I waited fro approval from everyone, and if I did not have that approval, if someone believes for some reason that it is not OK, if the believe something is wrong, whatever the rationalization is behind it then I must move on, and search for the next best thing.
Over the years I have become less aware of those opinions and thoughts of others and have chosen to live my life according to the way I feel as if it is needed to be lived. I stopped listening to the thoughts and desires others have for me and chose to listen to what God has put in my heart. Ive stopped worrying so much about what other people say or think about what I'm wearing, how my hair looks, who I'm with, who I decide not to be with, the way my children are raised and my character... because in the end if someone can judge me and my character its only a reflection on theirs. This is not a rationalization of my life, its nothing more than me trying to survive, happily for myself and my babies. God has not placed us on this earth to judge or condemn but to love and accept. We each struggle with our own sins, we all have our failures, let us not use our accomplishments, and our strengths to judge.
In reality of all this I after many years of never feeling adequate enough, I finally find myself fully being able to be and embrace the crazy goofy dork that I am! :)

inevitable break

September 15th 2011

I packed my car back up, kid clothes, my clothes, boxes of pictures, and all the other stuff I somehow found important. several trips to the car by my Father and I, and there I was, standing alone, making the choice to drive home and give one last chance.
I had laid on my Ma's bed earlier that morning, the kids had gone home with their dad the night before, and my  Daddy already gone off to work. I told her "Mom, I need to go. I need to try. I feel as if I'm released to go home and give what I can to make this work" she looked at me with her knowing eyes and agreed and said she felt the same. At that time, with the level of hurt I was experiencing from deep within, I needed her reassurance. I had at this point already filled her in on my phone calls with the VIP. She knew almost all of the in and outs of my situations. Like all mothers she wants whats best for her children.  In this case she wanted restoration of my marriage, my entire family longed for this. they not all knew the deepness or how far it had already been broken. Most of them only knew that the babies and I had been at my moms for almost a week and that something had gone completely awry. None the less, I had brought my husband into this family, they had taken him in as their own. Although he never wanted to be a part of it, he had become a part of it, they loved him as a brother. They would have to suffer their own deal of hurt if this chance I was about to give was not successful. So for now I had to try and spare them. I had to protect them.
I made the 45 min drive home with every emotion sweeping through me, I cried, I yelled, I was excited for the thoughts that maybe something good would come of this and multiple times I pulled over on the side of that old Highway and fought myself to not turn back, back to my Parents. I made it home, the sun had gone down and the babes were missing from their usual spot in the back seat. I missed them and my heart ached for them, They knew nothing of what was going on, they didn't need to. their precious innocent souls were not ready to learn anything more than what they already knew from life. It was for them I needed to come home, for them I had to give everything left in me to make this work. They deserved a family a place to call home surrounded by love and by peace, and maybe by me trying and fighting I could push through enough, hang on just right and be able to give them all that they deserved.
I sat in the driveway of the place I called home,  It looked so familiar yet so cold. The familiar light from the TV escaped through the front window of a dark house. He was awake he was right on the other side of the door. The man I committed everything to, the man who had promised me and only me to love and to cherish me. He had broken his promise. But here I was ready to forgive ready to make this work for everyone involved....everyone but me. Because somewhere deep inside me I knew that being here was not right. But it isn't always, nor will it ever be just about me... something I had been told a million times before.  I unloaded the car... the door was locked I had left behind my keys the night I fled to my parents. I piled the entirety of it there by the front door. and I sat there on my red chair, the one I knew so well, the one I would sit on as I would watch the babies play and the one I would escape to on those late nights where I needed a place to escape to cry and pray. That was my beloved chair but still it felt cold and hard, just as everything around me had. I sat there staring at the front door the kids must already have been asleep by this time. Was I really suppose to knock? this was my home too. What if he had changed his mind and chose once again to not want to try our hands on making it all work. What if he realized I was back and purposely locked me out? The fear of rejection overcame me, mixed with the fear of failure I became paralyzed sitting there alone in the dark, on a cold hard chair at a place that no longer felt like home.  I began questioning myself. the TV had turned off and the only light left in the house came from the glow of the fish tank that took up my living room, that awful fish tank, he gotten it from her. talked me into wanting it, just an excuse to escape to her house and get in just a bit more ***** time. As if he didn't already get enough. I peeked through the bedroom window, and there he sat on the edge of the bed with his phone in hand he was talking to someone with a smile on his face....and that someone was not me. I should have known at the point but I chose to ignore it. I thought to myself "how can I make the necessary changes and give the right amount of effort to make this work if I cannot trust him, after all trust is a foundation of a relationship, if you cannot trust you have nothing.
I then decided to send him a message. I had taken a picture of simply the front door and the pile of stuff. no words just the picture... a couple of minutes went by and all of a sudden there it was the unlock of the door. I stood there waiting for the door to open, for him to step out and happily greet me, maybe even a hug and an I missed you and if i got lucky he would help me bring our belongings in.... but I waited and there was still nothing. I realized then that there would be nothing. I simply opened the door myself, what was left of my heart was breaking, and my hope shattering. I held back my tears and let myself in, carrying in the stuff. I walked into the bedroom. and their he sat, quickly turning off the screen on his phone. I walked in with the small amount of dignity and strength I had left, and I sat down by his side. nothing more than the simple words " Well you found your way back , I see"... why did he have to be so cold to my broken heart the heart he had broken?
We went to bed after that. I on my side my face turned to the wall to hide my tears. the tears I could not hold back any longer.
The next morning I was happily and joyfully greeted by my two babies. There were those two sweet faces I loved so much. they both crawled onto the bed and laid on either side of me,my son asking about his baby sister in my growing belly and my beautiful little girl showing me her pink princess pajamas. It was for them that I was back. I could handle any and all that was to become... solely for their purpose.
The days went one, He had made somewhat of an effort, their wasn't as much phone use coming from him, and I could no longer see any back and forth from the two of them on the phone bill, My hopes began to rise. We had been spending more time as a family, and he had gone along on a few of the doctor appointment trips, although he sat in the car while I went in alone, I chose to see it as an effort. I longed for this family to make it, and to see it through this tough spot. Maybe it was the wanting to be Xena coming out in me as if I could warrior through it.
He one night had left his phone on the charger after coming home from work early. he had gone into the bathroom. I thought to myself as to why he would have to plug it in.  He hadn't been at work a full day he wasn't suppose to be using it and there had been nothing but data usage on our phone account. Yes I had learned well how to monitor hims. I had to.  Something was not right. So while he was in their I once again hacked into his phone and went straight to his email....There it was, The "I still love you, we just cant talk much for a short while, things have to calm down" that wasn't the only one there were many more. My heart sank it was the final proof. Not only was he still in contact with her, he was also asking her to bare with him as he waited for things to settle before they continued on with their fling.
I confronted him, this time allowing him to know what I knew, He wasn't the only one she was fooling around with, their were many more, and the breakup between her and her boyfriend was not much... she still ran back to him every chance she got. There ever so faithful love was not at all what it had seemed to either one of them. It had become a web of lies, manipulation and betrayal.  He then was forced to realize that this girl he thought so highly of, and also thought so highly of herself was about as faithful as he was to me.
I at this point was at my 8th month of pregnancy. So many problems being faced. I knew I was done I knew there was no moving forward. but I had to stick around just a bit longer. this baby had to make it out of me alive and well before I could leave at this point only two people knew my decision as well as my reasoning behind it. My best friend who stood by my side through it all and the VIP. My best friend knew because well she knew everything I needed her wittiness and her quick rational thinking, and the VIP because well it was inevitable. He was going through the same thing and I needed his support. support from someone who knew fully the entire situation, but someone who had no connection to either my husband nor myself, But simply wanted the best for my children and I. There were many complications with this pregnancy, I was not at all surprised by this with the lack of sleep and food, combined with the stress and emotions theres no wonder as to why the complications were as bad as they were. 

I went about life normally for what was the remainder of this arrangement, i continued with my routine schedules. I threw my daughters 3rd birthday, which falls on Halloween, we had taken them trick or treating after. I prepared for the baby and continued taking my son to preschool. After the baby was born I brought her home held and loved on her. She was a huge part of the reason I had made it thus far. I ate because of her, I slept for her, I chose to be happy for her and the kids.... and when I cried I cried for her, because she would never know what it would be like to grow up with an unbroken family. I carried her in my belly for the hardest time of my life. I wanted her when he told me he didn't. to me she was MY baby not his.

10 days after she was born I stood in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner for his family. he helped with the kids and made some fried potatoes. for those few moments in the kitchen with him I chose to enjoy it with him...becuase I knew it would be the last. 
Not long after I finally found the strength to face the inevitable. It was the day before my sons preschool Christmas recital  4 days before chritmas, and the last day of school for him until after winter break. I had already told him my plans of staying at my parents for a couple days to spend some time with my sister who was coming in from Flagstaff. But now I needed to fill him in on the rest of my plans.  He came into the room where I was feeding the sweet new baby. I asked him to shut the door and I began to explain to him that I would leave to my moms, me and the kids after the recital... and I wasn't coming back. He stood there blank faced with no emotion at all. I explained that I could no longer go on the way we were. I had filled him in on the other stuff I had found on his phone, the dating sites and facebook messages to random girls, I told him I was done. I had given him everything I had and it had yet to work. there was nothing left to try. I was done not being enough, done being his reason for unhappiness and I was done carrying the burden myself. I had realized that this marriage of lies and dishonesty was not healthy, It was not something my children needed to learn was OK. The children and ourselves deserved to be happy and no one was able to be happy in this environment. I knew full heartedly that when I left I was not coming back. I had spent hours asking God for a change of heart, and for one more chance but it wasn't there. Our marriage, was a shell, everything I had put into had gone away. There was nothing left and nothing left to put into it. the next day Once again I packed my car my kids and my dignity and I drove away. Away from everything I knew and set off to face a new world, a world unknown to me.