iTs WhO I aM!!!

 My eyes have been blinking my body breathing and my heart beating for over 25 years now. I have had the same 4 sisters and the same two parents, although my family continues to grow and occasionaly it shrinks. Ive had other people in and out of life, my life is like a carousel, people get on for the ride and then they get off, some come back for more and some never return. But there are the people that get on and never chose to leave me and it is from them that I have learned this:


I am STUBBORN. I am a mess. I cant hold a tune and cant dance to save my life. Im akward and weird. I can be annoying. Im occasionaly shy. Im disorganized. Im lazy. Im a complete dork. I have my insecurities... < this is so very true. I am HARD headed. I many times cannot stand up for myself. Im always reading way to far into things. I AM NOSEY!!!!!! I ramble. I mumble. I talk to quiet. I talk to loud. I am way to tall. I like to eat. I snore. My car is always a mess.  I leave trails. I hate to wear shoes. Im socially akward. I care far too much what other people think. I let others control way too much of me. I give horrible directions. I never use a timer. I let dishes sit in the sink. I let (not make) my kids eat dog food. I have a big nose... and a big butt. I can hold a serious grudge. i have horrible timing for things. I say completly inappropriate things. I have no sense of style. I use way to much salt. Im GRUMPY. I find it easier to do things MY way as opposed to the right way. Im crazy and a little bit wild. I can not pay attention. I try to do things way to fast. Im a horrible driver. I never check my oil or my tires. I care way to much about what others think. I talk crap when I have no place too. I come off rude and stuck up. I get mad over things I shouldnt. I never speak up. I would make a horrible business person. I hate putting laundry away. Im a complete airhead. I let my kids get away with way too much. Im not all that fun and sometimes my eyes are the only thing that will speak whats on my mind.


But if people cant love me for all that. then they dont get to love me for anything else because I love unconditionaly, Ill always be there for someone. My heart doesnt know how to say no. When I smile it is 99% of the time genuine. Ill make you absolutly anything you want to eat. I almost always can find more good in a person than bad. When I speak its the truth. When I love its everything. When I share its sincere. When I clean its thorough. When I give, Its everything I can. When I laugh its true. When I promise its with the best of intentions and my kids are absoultly the best part of me.


Yes the bad definetly out wieghs the good. But thats only because I am human. I am not super special... but I am special to a handful ofpeople. I dont have to be loved by everyone because not everyone can handle it. But I am loved by the right people, and that is all I need. so if you cant handle the worse of me dont expect the best of me! If you cant love the bad in me you dont deserve the good in me! I am who I am I havent changed yet... I kinda dont think im going to now!

SUCKY GRUDGE

Theres people in my life who have probably heard me mention a fish tank... in fact if they heard it once, they probably heard it several times. With annoyance and hostility in my voice I might add. although they most likely don't know why I'm mad at a simple fish tank and the damn ugly "Sucky" fish that swam around in it.In fact thinking about it now well over a year after I had my little run in with this darn tank and fish, I am now finding myself wondering... WHY? myself!



Sometime in August 2011

My husband had started talking about how we should get some fish for the kids, this was odd to me... not just the fact that he was having a conversation with me at all, which was odd. but that he all of a sudden wanted fish. I had among the previous years asked if the kids could have some little fish many times, always getting nothing more thoughtful than a no. It was never a hesitated no a I will think about it no, it was just a flat out don't ask twice NO! But here we were, in the middle of an already bad situation and he was trying quite diligently to talk me into fish. But it didn't stop there.He also thought a Big fish tank would top off the idea he all of a sudden thought this was the best idea he could have ever come up with. At first I didn't understand but trying hard to make anything and everything work out for the family I agreed it was a good idea, not only because I myself had tried many times to have one or two little fish for the babies to admire, but I think I actually thought as if having some fish swimming around a giant tank in my living room would fix the brokenness of this little family. So of course I agreed with him in this decision not knowing their was more to it then I saw.
After several days of fish talk and him supposedly looking and searching online for a tank suitable for the children, very conveniently there was one available. A fish tank with a sucker fish named "Sucky" needed a home and for only 40$ it was all ours. then I learned a little more... this conveniently available fish tank was at the home of the miss thing he had been seeing. I'm not sure exactly her reasoning for getting rid of it to be honest, I only knew that he had already, long before mentioning fish at all to me had known that he would be bringing that tank home. Of course I had a few smart ass comments, because well I'm pretty darn good at making those. But none the less, Here I was faced with the decision of taking in ******'s tank.... and the damn "sucky". I could not say no at this point. after all he had used the phrase "for the kids" and if I said no then I would be taking away something from them... or so he made me think. He could feel my hesitation, he must have because then suddenly he began to incorporate me into the plan. He attempted to make me comfortable with the entirety of the idea by saying he wanted me to go along to pick it up with him. I then agreed. I stupidly thought that by him taking me along, he was actually proud enough of me to have me with him. That was something that was rare in itself. yeah of course I went with him places... to his dads house and to the truck/tractor pulls... but really I wasn't there with him. Id always go with him but we were never together. id be in the corner, to the side (just not his side) in the stands or in the truck. It was always a simple equation me+kids-him= normal. I hated the fact that he never took me places. He would go in the store and make me stay in the truck, or he would stay and make me go. He never wanted to go anywhere with me. It was always a struggle, always an argument. So of course when offered the chance to go along I accepted. Besides, obviously if he was taking me along to see ****** then there must not be too much going on. We had an agreement he told her we would take the  tank, and he told me I was going along to pick it up. It wasn't much on my end but it was enough to bribe me just enough to commit. It was a commitment of faith, and hope. Faith in my husband, that he wasn't crossing boundaries with her and hope that this was proof that my marriage wasn't in shambles. For me it wasn't just a fish tank, it was much more. It was another thread that was holding what was left of my heart together...and he pulled it just right.
He sat on that wooden rocking chair, he now had an excuse to openly talk to her. to sit and text her throughout the night, a constant back and forth between them as he blocked out everything that was happening in the little world before him. He was supposedly making plans for us to pick it up. Well as I had come to learn, for him to pick it up. I was somehow kicked out of the plan. How could he surprise the kids with a fish tank if they were along with us when we got it, so of course It was just me and the kids. So the new plans had come out to be that, he would leave early in the morning... like 5:00 on a Thursday morning early to get it. Apparently she had to be at work at 6:00 am and he needed enough time to get there and load it before she had to be at work. So once again I found myself alone with the kids hidden away in my little cave of a house. As he woke up early showered, shaved and headed out.. out to see her. I once again fell stupidly for his tricky manipulation. He got everything he wanted.. I got a disgustingly dirty fish tank and fish. A fat ugly slimy sucker fish... named "Sucky". he showed up a good 5 hours later. The kids faces glowed with excitement as I grudgingly forced a smile and struggled to hold back tears. He hid his face from me, but a glimpse at his eyes told me enough... I knew the full story. I knew then that there was no part of getting the fish tank that was an actual sincere gesture for anyone but himself. It was an excuse, an excuse for time with her. how they filled that only they will know. But it was enough for me to deeply despise that fish tank. I couldn't despise him, I couldn't put the blame on him for he was full of excuses. He knew well how to work my mind and my heart, he had plenty of practice. I ignored what I knew. I ignored the signs. It was not something I was ready to accept. Instead I secretly wished I could smash the glass of that huge tank allowing the gallons of water to wash away my reality. I secretly wished that damn Fish would die. So I didn't have to watch it swim around with its long sea creature tail and remind me constantly ... of ******. Over the next several months we added several fish to the tank. It had come more too look at then just a daily reminder of reality. The kids loved their fish. My son was constantly feeling the need to give the fish new landscape. he sometimes would decide we needed to put in little soldiers and pretend the fish were in battle, or put in his little monster trucks and pretend the the fish were obstacles. My daughter however had a different approach, she felt she needed to draw pictures for the fish... outside the glass...in permanent marker. Thank god for discipline and alcohol wipes to quickly take care of that problem. I however still despised that damn tank.
When I had gone to my Parents that December I knew I wasn't taking that tank with me... I also knew that there was no way I was going to let him take it either. I had a severe grudge built over this tank. I felt strongly the best idea was to smash it in the road... to let it shatter into a thousand little pieces... Sucky too. It was a great Idea, and in fact I really actually considered it. An exposure of built of emotion. I was tempted. Instead I sold it. An add on a local facebook sales page... 50$ the tank alone. I would take the fish elsewhere. they were after all the kids' all but sucky but for some reason they kinda liked that ugly thing. It went quickly. He claimed to had paid $40.00 ... but maybe it wasn't the tank he was paying for that morning... and I made $50.00 off it. Although it made a pretty darn good deal for me in the end.. I still hated that tank, and that damn fish. The Goldfish went into my fathers little pond, Sucky went elsewhere to an undisclosed location, not very far because I still see that fish often... quite often truthfully and until recently, seeing it brought me just as much disgust.. Until I learned what I was holding onto... the unneseccary grudge I held against a fish and a lifeless tank. As if they were the reason for the events that took place... they like me and the children, were just pawns used to work his art of manipulation.

Ive found myself over and over looking into my situation, the same grudge and unforgivness had taken over my heart. Its a horrible feeling to know its consuming you. I began writing this as an explanation about my grudges, not knowing that I would be ending it with my forgivness. As long as I chose to hold onto a grudge, as long as I chose unforgiveness.... its me that suffers. No one but myself. Although it was not me that had created this situation, it is me who continues to hold onto it... I dont have to forget it, I cant forget it. It has brought me to far, It has brought me here to this wondeful place I am at. It has taught me much, like how to fully forgive and let go of a grudge...

Forgivness 
Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with charecter to forgive. When you forgive you release yourself from a painful burden. Forgiveness doesnt mean what happened is OK, and it doesnt mean that person should still be welcome in your life. It just means you have made peace with the pain and are ready to let it go.

traveled[paths]

Lately I have been asked if I would change things from my past, and although yes would be an easy answer, I look at what I have now and who I have become and I have to say no. Yes life would have been easier if I had left a few roads untraveled, and chose to never leave a few roads I redirected myself from. Every stone in every path I have walked, tells a story every stumbling block that has caused me a fall has taught me a lesson. Where I have been has created who I have become.
I feel sometimes as if it was only yesterday that I walked the halls of my old high school, the hand of my high school boyfriend linked in mine. See at one point in time I had a great relationship. One that was not only an attraction but also a friendship. We were certain that this was something that would never cease to continue... Until I, based on others opinions, thoughts and words made the decision to walk away from that path we had so wonderfully created. So when I found myself on another path of an unequally yoked, relationship with someone who lacked a sense of morals and true family value I had no one to blame but myself. It was I who had chosen that road. A road with weeds, and many sharp pointed rocks. I believed that those Xena super powers would come alive and I would somehow be able to smooth out the path. to not only make it able to travel but if I added my love, my faith, my everything and if I brought in beautiful precious children then maybe just maybe I would be able to create a beautiful journey... but I was wrong... I poured everything I was into the transformation of the path, without a result... I couldn't even make it bearable. I left all that I was everything I had on the side of that rocky road and as painful as it has been to walk barefoot upon those rocks, the further away I am from that road the smoother it has become. and though my soles are callused my heart is not. For now I realize its not the road I'm on but who is alongside me on that road. Its about how I take the lessons learned and the strength gained from my trials and apply them to my life. No I would not change where I have been because it is what has created who I am, It is how I was blessed with my children. those roads are what led some of the closest people in my life today to now be beside me. Yes it has been a series of hard paths, but they are paths that no one besides myself has chosen for me to take. They are what has created me and all I am. They are the reasons for the baggage I hold and the reasons for the blessings that make me whole.

Sunday Coffee Cups

Some people think traditions are dumb, maybe that's because they've never had them. Some people work hard to create traditions... and some people just let them happen.
I Love traditions, the overly sentimental person I am thrives off of them. Like decorating my parents house for the holidays along side my sisters, with the sound of Silent Night and Dreaming Of A White Christmas playing in the background, getting lost by the sound of laughter and crackling wood in the fireplace. Most traditions are worth keeping.
Of all traditions there is one that I particularly enjoy, you see this is one of those traditions that just fell in to place... it just happened, and I absolutely love that it did. We call it our Sunday Coffee. Because its just that, two people and two cups of coffee, always brewed to perfection. Several months ago.... like 10 months ago, I was a broken soul. I had been brought down to as low as I could be brought. My self worth was diminished. There was much support around me during this time. My sisters my parents my best friend, and Jon... my VIP :). Each playing a very important role in my recovery process. This begins my journey with my VIP. Of all the above only  he knew the very in depth details of the year before, the journey that had brought me to the place I was at. His uplifting and encouraging words of wisdom fed my strength. It was a cold Sunday morning in January, feeling at my lowest, I stopped by on my way to church, I needed a talk, I needed someone who already knew to listen to me, I needed someone to not tell me what I wanted to hear, but rather what I needed to hear. It was then that it began, somehow it had fallen into place. Although many of these Sunday conversations took place before church, sometimes it would be after, other times there would be Hot Cocoa during the evening hours, but it never failed... there was always a partaking of a Sunday conversation. This still continues, over 10 months of Our Sunday Coffee, yes of course we have missed a few Sundays due to happenstance, but even then our conversation would follow through... thanks be to Jesus for phones. whether it be in his kitchen or mine, accompanied by Chorizo and eggs, pancakes or french toast, a house full of babies or the silence of an empty house, there has never been a Sunday I wished didn't happen. The tears, the laughter, the smiles, the hugs and the dancing barefoot in the kitchen have been nothing short of a gift from God. My VIP is a man I have grown to appreciate in so many ways and am so thankful for the time I have with him by my side. Sometimes traditions don't need to be created, sometimes they are a gift that keep on giving. A gift that no one else needs to understand but yourself.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzOFpLqlNY&feature=related

Beauty for ashes.

I heard about this girl, her husband had an affair. What did she do? She had a bomb fire. Her lingerie given to her as wedding gifts, pictures, letters memorabilia, and her wedding dress. She burned it all. I remember thinking to myself, why would she burn it, why wouldn't she sell her dress, give it away, or make something out of it. After all that's a lot of material to just let turn into ashes. Why would she invite people over and burn it. those are memories. Why lose them. It never made sense to me.... Until I was faced with much of the same situation.
Its funny how something so simple as a white dress can mean so much to you at one point in your life and absolutely nothing at another. I remember picking out my wedding dress, it was more of a shotgun wedding than anything else. I was pregnant and the pressure was on. it wasn't an experience that I am particularly fond of. picking out a dress when you are 3 months pregnant knowing your going to have a much different shape and range of sizing by the time your 5 1/2 months pregnant walking down the aisle. Our budget was low, my sweet big sister searched high and low for the perfect dress for me, finally finding a dress from an online eBay shop. some Chinese lady from California. it was perfect it was cheap and it would fit my belly that's all I needed. I couldn't be picky... I didn't deserve to be picky. How can you have the perfect wedding you dreamed of when you are getting married in a situation like that. Being a very sentimental person, I oddly never had any attachments to that dress. It was never my dress. Not the one I had thought I would wear, but I also wasn't getting married under the circumstances I imagined, I never got the "proposal" I had dreamed of. and my ring.... well that's a story of its own. My dress never fit me just right but how could it? it was made by some lady 1000 miles away who had a simple guess as to what my shape would be at that time. I only wore it for a couple hours. after that it took its place in the back of a closet at my Mom's house Smashed behind the years of accumulated prom, frolic, graduation and random bridesmaids dresses.
So when I Packed my belongings, my life and moved into my parents last December, that wedding dress nor anything else wedding associated was on my mind, I had no love letters, no mothers day ,valentines day birthday or anniversary cards... there was never flowers that were given to me to dry and keep as a reminder of his love or thoughts, no albums of pictures of us in embrace. There was nothing to keep.  It was simple, He and I lived alone together. We were a couple of singles. The only thing that had created a marriage between us was a change of my last name and signatures on a paper. Although I tried continually to create a relationship within that marriage I routinely failed. there was no way around it. Our separation was inevitable. there was nothing from that marriage worth keeping. nothing but what I needed to have to get by. Clothes for the kids, photo albums of the kids and me growing up. A crib for my 2 month old, and the one appliance I couldn't let go... My Maytag double Oven Stove. why I felt so attached to that I have no clue, maybe because it was the one thing that was MINE! The wedding dress never crossed my mind. It stayed hidden in the closet. The closet in the room at my moms that I once called my own.
After moving back in with my parents and taking 1/2 their home hostage for several months, the dress relocated into a black back and got pushed into the garage. I remember sitting in front of my parents Fireplace next to my baby sister both with a cup of hot coffee in our cold hands trying to save ourselves from the cold of a mid January morning. I said to her" I understand why people burn things, they do it because sometimes by burning the cold from your past you are able to then add warmth to your future"  I don't think she fully understood what I was talking about, nor does she know my temptations to toss that black bag stuffed with a white dress that I honestly grew to hate. I didn't understand as to why I had not had the peace to do so. I thought maybe someone could benefit from this dress but what are the chances of a 5'11" girl needing a wedding dress while she is 5 months pregnant? The chances were slim but God always has bigger plans than us.
 Just about a month ago early one Sunday morning I received a text from my best friend, at first I thought she was joking, in fact I at first thought there was no way she wasn't joking. she had said her husband had told her he wanted a divorce. She was serious and I was heartbroken. How could it be. Every impression I had of these two, was all about the love they had together. They, Unlike my marriage had spent time together, creating memories, making plans, and sharing dreams. He took her out, and she brought him coffee in bed. He gave her sweet tokens of love and she gave him her affection. My heart broke for her, I knew what she was going to face, I knew the road she would travel, because once again in our lives we were traveling the same road. My heart also broke at the thought of this love, this marriage this promise to love and cherish to the very end was shattered.. Gone. How could love just go away, and if it so easily leaves then is it really love. Is there really a such thing as love. I knew my own relationship which had been held together only by empty promises and  expectations from the outside was nothing close to a love worth devotion and dedication. But the love they had, or seemed to have was something I had looked up to and secretly longed for. I wanted someone to want me, to need me and to want to make me love them back. I wanted to be Worth that. and they had given me hope for that. So not was my heart shattered for my hurting best friend but for also the thought of love being nonexistent, unavailable, and something that only was made up in fairy tales, and people pretending to be their beauty and the beast. The next couple weeks I watched unable to fix her brokenness. I cried for her, and longed to be closer to her to hold her tight. I knew she had much healing to do. So I was so excited when she called and told me that she was coming to town.... coming to burn her dress. I then knew exactly why God had led me to hold onto mine a while longer.
 
 

 

 

 

 

It was a Thursday night, her daddy's truck me her, a very close friend and her little sister... which made me wish for my little sister to be back from Cali for the night so she could be apart of this. We drove up an old dirt road, used cellphones for flashlights as we gathered wood and there we built ourselves a fire. There DeAnna stood, a white plastic bag of those things she once cherished a little black teddy bear, some ribbon roses a sign that had once beautifully embraced their home with her new last name, her wedding bouquet... that she so proudly held as she walked down the aisle as a beautiful bride, and that dress that gorgeous dress that hid her hot pink heels. the dress she danced the night away in. I knew this night was not about me but about her. she needed the healing I was past this point. all I had was a dress. There was nothing else given to me worth holding onto. we laid the dresses their together and lit them with matches each our own. There we stood around this burning fire, watching what once was beauty turn to ash. Realizing that yes I too needed this. It was all I had left of an empty marriage. There late at night in the middle of the desert, Tim McGraw playing loudly in the background, sitting on a tailgate, beers in hand.... watching our past turn to ash, knowing a warmer future awaits us both.

opinions that [dont] matter

Lets face it! Peoples opinions matter. We can say they don't, but they do. At many points in my life it was peoples opinions that directed my path. Being the overly self conscience Person I had become, to me a persons opinion mattered absolutely everything. It started with me at a very young age. Basically being almost 6 foot in 8th grade, taller than all the boys...all except one, and just being the awkward and weird quiet self I am led to easily being singled out...(yes I said I'm quiet, which I very much am UNTIL my shell is broken). I in many situations was a Loner. which I think created it even easier for people on the outside to look in and produce a judgment on me that had no validation. I became accustomed to this in every area of my life. Although it wasn't comfortable to be standing out by myself that way, it wasn't uncomfortable enough for me to stand up and create confrontation, so I allowed it to continue.
I was raised in church, brought up by the bible and survived through prayer. I knew and know right from wrong. Every Sunday was Gods day without choice I would be sitting somewhere in a row of chairs, in a small white church on the corner. I grew up with the same people coming and going. The same group of friends being raised somewhat the same and creating the same bouts of drama. All Judging each other for the same thing they themselves were guilty of. Each year our guilt grew bigger and we blamed each other even more. the older we got the guiltier we became, which is valid, because well Church girls are not always Angels... and the guiltier we were the more opinions we had, more abilities to pass judgment on someone else.
The 2nd to the last daughter of a family with 5 girls, I will self proclaim myself as the mischievous one. I needed attention. Its true I craved, it I longed for it. Negative or positive it was needed. I wanted to be something I wanted my sisters, my parents and those close to me to accept me for who I was. I wanted them to be alright with the things I did. I pushed myself as hard as I thought I could in sports because I wanted them to approve to believe that I had success, I knew by this point that my academics were far from impressing. Now looking back I realize I held back not allowing my full potential to shine through in fear of failure. Because if I failed then what would people think of me? In relationships I waited fro approval from everyone, and if I did not have that approval, if someone believes for some reason that it is not OK, if the believe something is wrong, whatever the rationalization is behind it then I must move on, and search for the next best thing.
Over the years I have become less aware of those opinions and thoughts of others and have chosen to live my life according to the way I feel as if it is needed to be lived. I stopped listening to the thoughts and desires others have for me and chose to listen to what God has put in my heart. Ive stopped worrying so much about what other people say or think about what I'm wearing, how my hair looks, who I'm with, who I decide not to be with, the way my children are raised and my character... because in the end if someone can judge me and my character its only a reflection on theirs. This is not a rationalization of my life, its nothing more than me trying to survive, happily for myself and my babies. God has not placed us on this earth to judge or condemn but to love and accept. We each struggle with our own sins, we all have our failures, let us not use our accomplishments, and our strengths to judge.
In reality of all this I after many years of never feeling adequate enough, I finally find myself fully being able to be and embrace the crazy goofy dork that I am! :)

inevitable break

September 15th 2011

I packed my car back up, kid clothes, my clothes, boxes of pictures, and all the other stuff I somehow found important. several trips to the car by my Father and I, and there I was, standing alone, making the choice to drive home and give one last chance.
I had laid on my Ma's bed earlier that morning, the kids had gone home with their dad the night before, and my  Daddy already gone off to work. I told her "Mom, I need to go. I need to try. I feel as if I'm released to go home and give what I can to make this work" she looked at me with her knowing eyes and agreed and said she felt the same. At that time, with the level of hurt I was experiencing from deep within, I needed her reassurance. I had at this point already filled her in on my phone calls with the VIP. She knew almost all of the in and outs of my situations. Like all mothers she wants whats best for her children.  In this case she wanted restoration of my marriage, my entire family longed for this. they not all knew the deepness or how far it had already been broken. Most of them only knew that the babies and I had been at my moms for almost a week and that something had gone completely awry. None the less, I had brought my husband into this family, they had taken him in as their own. Although he never wanted to be a part of it, he had become a part of it, they loved him as a brother. They would have to suffer their own deal of hurt if this chance I was about to give was not successful. So for now I had to try and spare them. I had to protect them.
I made the 45 min drive home with every emotion sweeping through me, I cried, I yelled, I was excited for the thoughts that maybe something good would come of this and multiple times I pulled over on the side of that old Highway and fought myself to not turn back, back to my Parents. I made it home, the sun had gone down and the babes were missing from their usual spot in the back seat. I missed them and my heart ached for them, They knew nothing of what was going on, they didn't need to. their precious innocent souls were not ready to learn anything more than what they already knew from life. It was for them I needed to come home, for them I had to give everything left in me to make this work. They deserved a family a place to call home surrounded by love and by peace, and maybe by me trying and fighting I could push through enough, hang on just right and be able to give them all that they deserved.
I sat in the driveway of the place I called home,  It looked so familiar yet so cold. The familiar light from the TV escaped through the front window of a dark house. He was awake he was right on the other side of the door. The man I committed everything to, the man who had promised me and only me to love and to cherish me. He had broken his promise. But here I was ready to forgive ready to make this work for everyone involved....everyone but me. Because somewhere deep inside me I knew that being here was not right. But it isn't always, nor will it ever be just about me... something I had been told a million times before.  I unloaded the car... the door was locked I had left behind my keys the night I fled to my parents. I piled the entirety of it there by the front door. and I sat there on my red chair, the one I knew so well, the one I would sit on as I would watch the babies play and the one I would escape to on those late nights where I needed a place to escape to cry and pray. That was my beloved chair but still it felt cold and hard, just as everything around me had. I sat there staring at the front door the kids must already have been asleep by this time. Was I really suppose to knock? this was my home too. What if he had changed his mind and chose once again to not want to try our hands on making it all work. What if he realized I was back and purposely locked me out? The fear of rejection overcame me, mixed with the fear of failure I became paralyzed sitting there alone in the dark, on a cold hard chair at a place that no longer felt like home.  I began questioning myself. the TV had turned off and the only light left in the house came from the glow of the fish tank that took up my living room, that awful fish tank, he gotten it from her. talked me into wanting it, just an excuse to escape to her house and get in just a bit more ***** time. As if he didn't already get enough. I peeked through the bedroom window, and there he sat on the edge of the bed with his phone in hand he was talking to someone with a smile on his face....and that someone was not me. I should have known at the point but I chose to ignore it. I thought to myself "how can I make the necessary changes and give the right amount of effort to make this work if I cannot trust him, after all trust is a foundation of a relationship, if you cannot trust you have nothing.
I then decided to send him a message. I had taken a picture of simply the front door and the pile of stuff. no words just the picture... a couple of minutes went by and all of a sudden there it was the unlock of the door. I stood there waiting for the door to open, for him to step out and happily greet me, maybe even a hug and an I missed you and if i got lucky he would help me bring our belongings in.... but I waited and there was still nothing. I realized then that there would be nothing. I simply opened the door myself, what was left of my heart was breaking, and my hope shattering. I held back my tears and let myself in, carrying in the stuff. I walked into the bedroom. and their he sat, quickly turning off the screen on his phone. I walked in with the small amount of dignity and strength I had left, and I sat down by his side. nothing more than the simple words " Well you found your way back , I see"... why did he have to be so cold to my broken heart the heart he had broken?
We went to bed after that. I on my side my face turned to the wall to hide my tears. the tears I could not hold back any longer.
The next morning I was happily and joyfully greeted by my two babies. There were those two sweet faces I loved so much. they both crawled onto the bed and laid on either side of me,my son asking about his baby sister in my growing belly and my beautiful little girl showing me her pink princess pajamas. It was for them that I was back. I could handle any and all that was to become... solely for their purpose.
The days went one, He had made somewhat of an effort, their wasn't as much phone use coming from him, and I could no longer see any back and forth from the two of them on the phone bill, My hopes began to rise. We had been spending more time as a family, and he had gone along on a few of the doctor appointment trips, although he sat in the car while I went in alone, I chose to see it as an effort. I longed for this family to make it, and to see it through this tough spot. Maybe it was the wanting to be Xena coming out in me as if I could warrior through it.
He one night had left his phone on the charger after coming home from work early. he had gone into the bathroom. I thought to myself as to why he would have to plug it in.  He hadn't been at work a full day he wasn't suppose to be using it and there had been nothing but data usage on our phone account. Yes I had learned well how to monitor hims. I had to.  Something was not right. So while he was in their I once again hacked into his phone and went straight to his email....There it was, The "I still love you, we just cant talk much for a short while, things have to calm down" that wasn't the only one there were many more. My heart sank it was the final proof. Not only was he still in contact with her, he was also asking her to bare with him as he waited for things to settle before they continued on with their fling.
I confronted him, this time allowing him to know what I knew, He wasn't the only one she was fooling around with, their were many more, and the breakup between her and her boyfriend was not much... she still ran back to him every chance she got. There ever so faithful love was not at all what it had seemed to either one of them. It had become a web of lies, manipulation and betrayal.  He then was forced to realize that this girl he thought so highly of, and also thought so highly of herself was about as faithful as he was to me.
I at this point was at my 8th month of pregnancy. So many problems being faced. I knew I was done I knew there was no moving forward. but I had to stick around just a bit longer. this baby had to make it out of me alive and well before I could leave at this point only two people knew my decision as well as my reasoning behind it. My best friend who stood by my side through it all and the VIP. My best friend knew because well she knew everything I needed her wittiness and her quick rational thinking, and the VIP because well it was inevitable. He was going through the same thing and I needed his support. support from someone who knew fully the entire situation, but someone who had no connection to either my husband nor myself, But simply wanted the best for my children and I. There were many complications with this pregnancy, I was not at all surprised by this with the lack of sleep and food, combined with the stress and emotions theres no wonder as to why the complications were as bad as they were. 

I went about life normally for what was the remainder of this arrangement, i continued with my routine schedules. I threw my daughters 3rd birthday, which falls on Halloween, we had taken them trick or treating after. I prepared for the baby and continued taking my son to preschool. After the baby was born I brought her home held and loved on her. She was a huge part of the reason I had made it thus far. I ate because of her, I slept for her, I chose to be happy for her and the kids.... and when I cried I cried for her, because she would never know what it would be like to grow up with an unbroken family. I carried her in my belly for the hardest time of my life. I wanted her when he told me he didn't. to me she was MY baby not his.

10 days after she was born I stood in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner for his family. he helped with the kids and made some fried potatoes. for those few moments in the kitchen with him I chose to enjoy it with him...becuase I knew it would be the last. 
Not long after I finally found the strength to face the inevitable. It was the day before my sons preschool Christmas recital  4 days before chritmas, and the last day of school for him until after winter break. I had already told him my plans of staying at my parents for a couple days to spend some time with my sister who was coming in from Flagstaff. But now I needed to fill him in on the rest of my plans.  He came into the room where I was feeding the sweet new baby. I asked him to shut the door and I began to explain to him that I would leave to my moms, me and the kids after the recital... and I wasn't coming back. He stood there blank faced with no emotion at all. I explained that I could no longer go on the way we were. I had filled him in on the other stuff I had found on his phone, the dating sites and facebook messages to random girls, I told him I was done. I had given him everything I had and it had yet to work. there was nothing left to try. I was done not being enough, done being his reason for unhappiness and I was done carrying the burden myself. I had realized that this marriage of lies and dishonesty was not healthy, It was not something my children needed to learn was OK. The children and ourselves deserved to be happy and no one was able to be happy in this environment. I knew full heartedly that when I left I was not coming back. I had spent hours asking God for a change of heart, and for one more chance but it wasn't there. Our marriage, was a shell, everything I had put into had gone away. There was nothing left and nothing left to put into it. the next day Once again I packed my car my kids and my dignity and I drove away. Away from everything I knew and set off to face a new world, a world unknown to me.

ALONE!

Ive spent my day alone.... other than an hour at work, in which we had to remove the scrotum from a Great Dane that had filled with clotted blood after a castration done about a week ago.. its basically been just me. I'm not use to being fully alone yet. I did some grocery shopping, the babies come home tomorrow, and they... well they must eat. Walking around walmart in my cowboy boots and being 5'11" I stand out. ITS INEVITABLE. Ive learned this. Recently Ive also learned that's its OK to do so. But I'm used to always having someone by my side normally its my precious little children. But today I flew solo. I came home to a deadly quiet home. I turned on the music.... A little bit of Jack Johnson. In hopes to fill the air with  a peaceful yet energizing tune. But the quiet pressed through.
But its OK to be alone in the quiet. its when you can come face to face with yourself and with God. It makes you think and to think sometimes is the best thing that you can so. Today may have been a lonely and quiet day, but it was my day! Spent in peace... and fully realizing just how in peace I am with my life and who I am. Its a beautiful thing to realize I am in the place of Peace. 
The people in my life are meant to be here and the ones that are gone from it are meant to be gone. my day may continue on like this. But I'm perfectly happy with that, because for the first time in my life I am perfectly happy with who I AM!

Pizza In the [MAKING]

Never in all my life have I been told I was unallowed to  help in the kitchen. I was raised to help in the kitchen. When I was raised I owned my kitchen. I did it all I baked, I cooked, I cleaned, It was all about what I CREATED. It was my domain. It was where I felt as if I belonged. Everything in my world could go bad. But what I could control was my kitchen. It smelled the way I created it to, It was only as clean as I made it, and it only produced as much as I produced. It was my safety nest. I often found my times finding comfort just sitting on my kitchen counter, alone in the dark partaking of something I created. Something I controlled. In recent times I have been unable to fulfil my reputation of that I had created. At one time I was unable to fail, everything from Chicken and dumplings to the best of cake creations. I OWNED IT! It was all I had.....no wonder I weighed what I did.

Well... that's all changed... 10 months after relieving myself of such duties of the day to day breakfast snack lunch snack dinner desert packing someones lunch and snacks for the next day.... I somehow find my self at odds with the one place that I once cherished.

 

I used to be able to take a sheet cake made from scratch and dedication and turn it into something stinking awesome, or a couple round tiered double chocolate fudge cake and create a masterpiece, I would wait til the house was at rest to begin and come morning light I would have a master piece... in recent times my spot in the kitchen has diminished as if I have lost my touch. Because....well I kind of have. I'm out of practice. I hardly ever eat at home when I am alone with no babies. If I do its a meal that consist of Ramen noodles or a thrown together salad. If I'm not at home during those days I rely on the cooking of a VIP in my life...:)

Last week I was enlisted to create a birthday cake... a Cardinals football cake for the son of my boss... needless to say due to lack of patience and  my daughters need for eating the fondant  this cake turned out horrible. I HAVE LOST MY TOUCH.

 

All of the above gets to my topic! Tonight I spent the evening with my VIP who decided gratefully homemade pizza was the way to go! Me who thinks I need to be in the kitchen at all times tried to intercede. This rodeo together in the kitchen has not been our first, and I must say I rather enjoy that time in their with him. quality time spent creating something wonderful and Delicious together, Everything from biscuits to gravy (he makes the biscuits, I make the Gravy) to fudge! (Hes mastered my recipe:) We work wonderfully together... with the exception of tonight. When I got kicked out. Never have I been kicked out of the kitchen, and although I find it humorous, I also wonder if I have lost my ability to OWN the kitchen like I once had. Its just another untraveled road for me, something new to learn, and another battle to strive through to create a better and stronger me! Its amazing the little things given to us in life that help create us to be who we are and teach us who we've always been... Its OK that I no longer Own the kitchen because for the first time I own and have total control over who I am and who I can become. Besides a shared kitchen is a much happier kitchen. Especially when its shared by two happy people! :) 

The pizza turned out amazing, a genious combination of homeade crust, deli pepperoni, Organic mushrooms, italian sausage, chopped onions, perfectly seasoned pizza sauce and the most amazing combination of Mozzerala, Meunster and Feta Cheese. Im glad I was kicked out because this pizza and the lessons I have learned about not having to be in control and allowing someone else take care of me in such a way have all been irreplaceable.

intuition or experience

in·tu·i·tion

   /ˌɪntuˈɪʃən, -tyu-/ Show Spelled[in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-] 

noun

1. direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

2. a fact, truth, etc., perceived in this way.

3. a keen and quick insight.

4. the quality or ability of having such direct perception or quick insight.

5. Philosophy .

a. an immediate cognition of an object not inferred or determined by a previous cognition of the same object.

b. any object or truth so discerned.

c. pure, untaught, noninferential knowledge

.....................................................................................................................................................

ex·pe·ri·ence

   /ɪkˈspɪəriəns/ Show Spelled [ik-speer-ee-uhns] , verb, ex·pe·ri·enced, ex·pe·ri·enc·ing.

noun

1. a particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something: My encounter with the bear in the woods was a frightening experience.

2. the process or fact of personally observing, encountering, or undergoing something: business experience.

3. the observing, encountering, or undergoing of things generally as they occur in the course of time: to learn from experience; the range of human experience.

4. knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone: a man of experience.

5. Philosophy . the totality of the cognitions given by perception; all that is perceived, understood, and remembered

 

 

I often times find myself in a situation where I find myself believing something is true. I begin to mentally prepare myself for battle. I create a game plan of how I will take care of this situation, how I will go about it and ultimately what the outcome will be. I use to think that if something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck its probably a duck. I have realized that the situation may be different than perceived. If I don't hastily jump to conclusions I may find that the quacking waddling thing I see in the distance, may be a swan in closer reality. You see I have had events in my life that have made me tense in situations. These things have created me to constantly have my eyes and ears open. My mind always is looking for those missing dots. Because surely if there is something missing, if  something does not line up just the way I believe it ought to....then surly something has gone awry, I must be missing something... and that missing something, must be something horribly wrong.

 

Several times in recent situations Ive had to sit myself back and look into the entirety of a situation,  Had to have it out with myself as to whether or not the situation at hand was catching me the way it was due to intuition or because I have at one time experienced this once....or twice before. Ive had to ask myself why I still care, Why I have created such a wall of protection around myself.. that even those closest to me haven't fully found their way in. As if keeping every solitary soul at somewhat of a distance I will be able to control the amount of hurt that's able to be brought on. But truthfully its like this... if you don't tell someone the truth of how you feel, does it then mean that you can control how much it hurts... if at all one day it does... does the truth make you more vulnerable as opposed to not admitting the truth. ITS GONNA HURT EITHER WAY.... right? So why do I do it to myself?

 

" We as woman constantly push through our intuition as if it doesn't really exist" -my best friend.

its true....in the beginning. We see one thing and want to see another. We allow it to continue without confronting it because we have belief that whatever the case Good always wins over?
But good doesn't always win does it. and our beliefs that it will have only sat us up for a miserable failure. Intuition is a gift. Its the ability to sense and know something is not as it seems. But when we don't practice this and put it to use do we then lose it? Does it then become inoperable for us?

Experience comes from life, from mistakes, from chances, from failures, and from happenstance. When you have failed to use your intuition correctly than you are a faced with a situation that sometimes can put your face in the muck. Once you've felt your face down in the lowest that you can be, you don't want to there again.

Which is all the wonder as to why we sometimes cross intuition with experience. How do we differentiate it, and how do we correct it. How about we take the first step by faith. by allowing yourself to once again wholeheartedly live. To live with out expectations and to Love with out condition. because how can we ever have a chance to fully experience the gift of life if we do not allow ourselves to have that opportunity. We must leave our past but take our lessons, leave our fear and step in faith.

 
  

 

 

  

up [spring]s the truth

I sat by myself, feeling so little on my parents large front porch, a cup of my Daddy's fresh brewed hot coffee in my hand. My son and daughter asleep in twin beds in my old bedroom. The morning air was crisp and fresh, but like any September day in Arizona, it would not last long. The heat of the day would soon arrive. I could see the mountains in the close distance and the roofs of the houses that sat below the hill my father built his house upon. I was back to my roots in this moment, surrounded by the people who loved me unconditionally. The people who knew not a thing about why I was here. Why I showed up at their doorstep at 3:30 on a Sunday morning, with a car loaded, two sleeping kids and a tear stained face. They simply took me in, no questions asked. I could see the concern and heartbrokeness for me washed over my Daddy's face. The love he has for his 5 daughters runs deeper than any love I have ever experienced. I sat alone now, I felt empty, not because I hadn't eaten a thing for the two days I had been here, but because I at this point felt as if I was no more than a shell of a girl I used to know. I had no directions as to which way to go. My husband had been trying to get me to come home. My phone never stayed quiet. It had become nothing more than a unit of torture. He wanted me to come home, he wanted to be with his wife and kids, he had an excuse for everything i threw at him. every encounter he had with her. Every joke and every pet name said between them he had a way around. I was stuck. I couldn't break up my family, torcher the kids over a situation that I could very well be making up in my head. I knew there had to be more, I knew there was a way I could catch him in something he would not have the ability to mask or hide. I didn't know what or how I was going to do it. But in the back of my head I could hear my Momma saying " if there is a will theres a way. I began to pray. Prayer was all I had. It was my only strength, The only thing i had going for me. I was 24 years old, no makeup could hide the lost girl I had become. I was useless, my worth had been spent everything i could do was just the same as anyone. there was nothing special about me nothing worth keeping around.  I may had been a pretty girl at one time I may had been in excellent shape at one time, I may had also been fun to be with, and spend time with but all that was gone now. All of who I had once been was gone, or so I was told, and been told many times over the past few years. No wonder he had found companionship with someone else, no wonder I wasn't the one he wanted anymore. No wonder he was emotionally trading me in. I had realized that it wasn't for me and wanted to keep trying, It wasn't for me he wanted to push through things. It was for the kids, it was for his own pride and image. He really did love someone else, He needed her. I didn't blame him, the pictures  I had seen of her the memories of who she had once been were beautiful, the stories I had heard him tell about her the way he lit up when he spoke her name... she must have been wonderful. I felt guilty for even blaming him, for even being upset about the situation. This girl had stolen my life and I didn't feel any right to try to take it back. I had to know what the extent of their relationship was I had no choice but to know the full story.
I went through the day taking care of the babies, cleaning my parents home, I was going on 3 days with almost no sleep at all but I had no choice I had to keep busy it was the only way I could hold myself together.  The situation at hand kept my mind focused on a way to figure out the truth. Suddenly my head began to spin, I knew the way. I knew their was someone who had insight into the situation as well. If only I could get this person to talk to me, to open up about their perception of what was happening. They're were many reasons for this individual not to. This person may not even know who I am, may not have ever even heard of me, and if so there were many reasons to hate not only my husband but myself. This was my only option I had to know, I had no choice but to bite the bullet and write that short message that with one click i knew would be delivered to this person I was putting all my hope in. " Hi I know you don't know me, but does my husband have anything to do with you and ****** breaking up?" that was it. 21 words that began the transformation of who I had known myself to be. A Facebook message and a couple of smart phones led the way to what changed EVERYTHING.
I honestly wasn't expecting a reply, much less a reply in as short of time as I had received one. I wasn't only surprised but I was impressed with this persons ability to so quickly gain my trust, to gain a common bond over something that had so much impact and effect on both our lives. a couple back and forth facebook messages and en exchange of phone numbers led to a phone call that changed it all.
Never in all my life had I been able to so easily open up with someone about the harsh events effecting me. never had anyone so easily not only heard what I was saying but listened and understood. what was only supposed to be a short change of facts and events became the beginning of a friendship and trust with someone I had never met. I was no longer alone in this situation, I was no longer the only one effected by the foolish doings of two people looking for something more, something neither of them realized they already had the best of. In this time I had been given not only one gift from God but several, I was given truth, I was given hope and I was given this man in my life, who I at the time I had no idea the very important person he would come to be in my life. I did not fully know to the extent he had so greatly touched my life. Although it had been awhile before i had spoke with him again, In those few phone calls and exchange of messages roots had begun, and bond had been created.
I now had the facts the ammunition I needed to set things straight with my husband. I hit him hard. Never allowing him to know where the information I came forward with had come from, he had no choice but to bow to his doings.... although he still was able to make himself appear to be the victim. That was an ability he had learned well with me. He knew well how to use it against me, he had years to learn that skill. I had half heatedly made my mind up that I was finished... but the other half knew, divorce was not an option. For the kids sake for the possible salvation of my husband and for my own comfort, I knew I had to still continue to try and make this work. A long talk on a tailgate in the middle of the night parked out somewhere in the desert. There I found myself, 7 months pregnant, stressed and exhausted . I could not fight anymore. I just wanted my family back. I gave into his plea. I heard his excuses his apologies. His promise to be done with her. I gave in. with hopes that maybe something would actually change, that he would actually pull his part. That I would actually end up being good enough in his eyes. As if I could make him call me the sweet little names... instead of the names like "frumpty dumpty" he had given to me, or he would tell me I looked gorgeous, beautiful or pretty...heck I would even be happy with any positive acknowledgement from him at all. I gave in to the "one more chance" plea. I gave in to the lies and excuses the manipulative bargains and the empty promises. he had trained me well. Trained me to always follow his lead. I had been warned, I had been foretold exactly how it would play out. The "VIP" had called this one. I had been talked back home, back to where my husband had wanted me,e where he needed me. He needed someone to give him the ability to gain his height back, by standing on their neck....on my neck. to fulfil his large ego and well.... to make him something to eat. That someone was me. Although I hadn't fully realized his placement for me, I had been warned, but I had not yet accepted the truth. I let down my walls, I packed up my things my children and what was left of my pride, my heart and .....what was left of me. I went home, expecting change... hoping for change.  I genuinely wanted this to work. I allowed my naive self to believe that it could. I tried, I gave it my all... One last time.