Tuesday, October 2, 2012

So here I am.... 25 years old in a world I didnt fully know. A journey in which I appreciate having, but will also appreciate not traveling again. Here I am with a story I have struggled with writing. Feelings, emotions, and lessons I had struggled with allowing anyone else to know. Its the truth of what has become [MY LIFE]. For years I have learned to mask my struggles, as if being Superwoman was the way we as humans were created to be, the image of being tough enough to walk through what seemed to be hell and not allowing for anyone to realize it, painted a picture of a warrior to me, as if I would be granted a sword and be called Xena. The reality of the falsehood of this image came to be once I realized the severity of my reality. The life I was living had not been what I had imagined it to be. Once I had realized the truth, I also was forced into the realization that I had also begun to mask my true self from even [ME] the person who needed the truth the most....MYSELF! How could I give my burdens to God, how could I learn, grow and move on from my situations if I continued to run from these things that haunted my life.  I have realized I have been refusing myself  the ability to face my struggles as opposed to running from them....Xena was a warrior not a runner.
     The outcome of my life so far is not uncommon for a smalltown girl, married at 19, after spending the prior 5 months getting through the first part of my pregnancy, spending my 21st birthday pregnant and home with just myself and 12 month old baby and spending my third pregnancy worried and fretting about a situation I knew I had no control over and ultimatly leading to the the end of my life as I had once known....and so began the life I now know and happily live, excited for what will come next. Im now learning how to face the thingss of not only my past but aslo my present. This sometimes still remains a struggle to me, but you cannot grow, cannot strengthen unless you have a struggle.
2 samuel 22:40...You armed me with strength for battle; you humbled my advasaries before me.


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