Tuesday, January 15, 2013

battle of discouragment

I used to be excited to get up and go to work, Id wake up knowing that I would learn something new. Somewhere along the way of monotonous day to day I have grown tired and discouraged. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I adore the pets I get to spend my day with, and the girls I work alongside. However, I have let discouragement get the best of me. Not that I haven't deserved correction but every time I have received it, I allowed it to bring me down. I would mess something up... and I would face the consequences. Ive always been one to take the blame listen to the lecture, whether or not I was the one who had done the deed in the first place, somewhere within the last few months I somehow began to try to defend myself, maybe I was tired of taking blame for others actions, maybe I was frustrated for getting knocked down for something I honestly tried to do correctly. But the fact is: I became defensive. I became discouraged. I began to feel as if  success was not something I could reach. I continued to try and be happy, to have a smile on my face. I tried to continue to be me... although I didn't feel like me. It had gotten the best of me.I had gotten used to doing things a certain way, but then was told I wasn't fast enough... so I tried to go faster. I began missing important things... like Heart Murmurs. I screwed things up. I pissed people off. never with any intention of doing so. Today I left work... wanting to cry, discouraged and feeling horrible about not only my work performance... but about my character.I felt as if I was I kept sliding down the mountain I was trying to climb. I was frustrated with the feeling of always having to hold back the tears.   I faced that moment where I looked back at the transformation of the person I had become. I had allowed the criticism I have received in every aspect of my life, from my child rearing ways, to the way I practice my faith, with whom I spend my time with and how I perform at work to put a damper on who I am and my true character. I am not a defensive person, I am however a person who quickly becomes discouraged. Its something I know I  need to work on. We all have flaws, we all have areas in our lives that we need Gods help and direction. Some battle with control, some with deceit, some battle with jealousy. Everyone has a battle. This is just one of my many. This is my public and very vulnerable pledge. I must grow out of this area in my life before it takes me further down a path i need not to be on, instead I need to begin the uphill fight to overcome the daily battle of discouragement that affects me in every area of my life.

No comments:

Post a Comment