Thursday, December 6, 2012

letting go of fear

It was an early Spring night. The weather was just begining to warm up, I was somewhat prepared for what was about to happen, my Momma had already prepared me for the devastion i was about to feel. I sat on the tan couch in my Mommas living room, its the same on that now sits in my living room. everything from A-Z was going through my mind. I knew only enough to prepare my heart. I heard an unfamiliar knock on the door, it was wierd, it was the garage door. Only people we knew well came through the garage door, and if we knew them that well....they werent gonna knock...especially him. But there he was standing in his red Fox Racing t-shirt. The look on his face said it all. It all began with a "we need to talk" and even at 16 those words can be heart shocking. I led him through that  house I grew up in and back outside through the sliding doors leading to the large back porch. We akwardly sat on that porch swing outside my parents bedroom. I already could feel the tears begin to builkd up, as we tried to make small talk, both knowing what the end of our conversation was going to hold. I looked into his green eyes and simply but quietly said "say it".... and he did. He began with the whole spilll... " were too young, and we need to see what our other options are" he went on but it only sounded like a bunch of rambles, my head was spiining my heart breaking and my eyes were no longer strong enough to hold back the tears. and then all of a sudden i heard this statement "if its meant to be itll come back again" BULLSHIT... just saying, how do we know that? theres no way to prove that, that is only a line some woman or man made up to make the breaking up proccess easier. He drove away in his marroon Nissan that night leaving me and my broken heart left to pick up the peices...

Ive always looked back at that night wondering why it hurt so bad. Other than him being the first one that I allowed to get that close to me he was nothing other than a 16 year old boy who wanted more chances in life. What did I expect we were only 15 when we began dating.  Im now realizing the truth as to why I always find myself wondering why that night stays in my mind, every detail of it every word.... but now I think I finally understand it.

I allowed myself a chance, a chance to give my heart fully to someone. And he gave it back. Simply handed it back for the chance of better options. I at the point without realizing became unable to be as naive and vulnerable as I was for him. In fact I was so far from being vulnerable and able to  give of myself in that way. The last couple days I have really been looking deep inside myself to figure out how this has affected my life. I in reaction to this began to not allow people too close, to love me and to learn who I trully am. I shut the ability to be myself even to myself in fear of of being rejected for that.  I never thought there would be someone who wouldnt take advantage of that. So here I am realizing that yes hearts will be broken, you lose what you give. But you will never know what is within reach if you never reach for it.

Love and life are a gamble.
give yourself  a chance, regardless of what you fear!

1 comment:

  1. very well said it is all summed up all the pain that first love brings with it, all the heart ache that no one sees. The funny thing is most of the time its mutual on both ends. I love your heart ~Roxy