Friday, November 9, 2012


Vulnerability, its a concept, an emotion, and a fear. For me it has become one of my deepest fears. Why open our hearts to something that can potentially hurt us? why allow ourselves to be like a deer who stands in an open pasture, enjoying eating from the earth and playing in the warmth of the day, if we know that at any moment one of the many hunters could come out to shoot us down? For awhile there deep inside I felt as if I should hide, hide from light and remain completely and utterly in control of not falling into a vulnerable spot. I had plenty of experiences with leaving myself expose, allowing me to be completely and utterly vulnerable, and each time I have paid the consequences, I had come to place in my life that I felt there was no longer any way I could allow myself to be at all vulnerable. I found myself shutting off those closest to me. I began pushing those closest to me away, I caught myself not allowing myself to bond with my children, because I knew it wouldn't be long before they would go back to their Dad's for a couple days and seeing them go broke every bit that was Left of my heart into pieces everytime. Each time they cried out to me and I had to drive away was like daggers in my soul. I allowed relationships to be built, to develop and to grow... but I still kept it all at a distance. a distance from my heart. It was easier that way. I allowed one single little life to fully come in and love me.... because a dog will not betray you, a dog will love you endlessly, they will sleep by your bed and wag their tail when they hear your voice and prance around in your presence. they will unconditionally wholeheartedly love you.
Biscuit Love, a little yellow lab puppy came to the Clinic from the pound when she was 3 months old, I first began to love her because i thought i could control that love, she was to be sent off at 6 months to a training facility to become a service dog for Veterans, wounded soldiers. I knew each day i could go to work, feed her, give her love, send her outside, give her a treat and teach her to sit. her and Apple, another little 3 month old lab with the same chosen destiny, grew on me rather quickly. Each coming down with parvo i was devastated crying like a hysterical baby as they put a catheter  in Apple's arm and placing her in an isolated parvo room. not long after each had recovered we learned the puppies would have to wait until 2 years of age to be accepted into a training program. At the time Apple had been found a loving home and I scooped my Biscuit up and took her home. I LOVED this sweet dog, my kids and I fell in love, she would grow old in our care, she would be a best friend to each of us, I could train her and love her and she would never betray me.... and then after stepping in several puddles of sticky pee, and a couple blood test later revealed She was type one diabetic, she came down with T1D after having parvo, something extremely uncommon.  a few weeks later after losing the battle of high blood sugar and being unable to adequately level out the right diet to appropriatly stimulate growth but maintain a healthy BS level I gave in to the recommendations of having her put down... I cried uncontrollably in the empty surgery room. at that moment I laid down the law to myself... NO more vulnerability, this was in early august, and Ive learned much since then I realized that it doesn't matter if my kids leave me, because they are going to come back, they will still love me, cherish me, and hold me. Its up to me to do the same back to them... because its them that matter not me. I learned that the best people in your life are there to make you grow, to make you strong, to put a smile on your face, and to love you for everything you are and everything you are not. Ive learned that is OK to stand in an open Field and walk through the wildflowers. Because smelling the aroma of an open Field is like feeling love deep in your chest.  Yes vulnerability is something to be cherished not something to be feared.
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wowonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

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