Ive spent my day alone.... other than an hour at work, in which we had to remove the scrotum from a Great Dane that had filled with clotted blood after a castration done about a week ago.. its basically been just me. I'm not use to being fully alone yet. I did some grocery shopping, the babies come home tomorrow, and they... well they must eat. Walking around walmart in my cowboy boots and being 5'11" I stand out. ITS INEVITABLE. Ive learned this. Recently Ive also learned that's its OK to do so. But I'm used to always having someone by my side normally its my precious little children. But today I flew solo. I came home to a deadly quiet home. I turned on the music.... A little bit of Jack Johnson. In hopes to fill the air with a peaceful yet energizing tune. But the quiet pressed through.
But its OK to be alone in the quiet. its when you can come face to face with yourself and with God. It makes you think and to think sometimes is the best thing that you can so. Today may have been a lonely and quiet day, but it was my day! Spent in peace... and fully realizing just how in peace I am with my life and who I am. Its a beautiful thing to realize I am in the place of Peace.
The people in my life are meant to be here and the ones that are gone from it are meant to be gone. my day may continue on like this. But I'm perfectly happy with that, because for the first time in my life I am perfectly happy with who I AM!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Pizza In the [MAKING]
Never in all my life have I been told I was unallowed to help in the kitchen. I was raised to help in the kitchen. When I was raised I owned my kitchen. I did it all I baked, I cooked, I cleaned, It was all about what I CREATED. It was my domain. It was where I felt as if I belonged. Everything in my world could go bad. But what I could control was my kitchen. It smelled the way I created it to, It was only as clean as I made it, and it only produced as much as I produced. It was my safety nest. I often found my times finding comfort just sitting on my kitchen counter, alone in the dark partaking of something I created. Something I controlled. In recent times I have been unable to fulfil my reputation of that I had created. At one time I was unable to fail, everything from Chicken and dumplings to the best of cake creations. I OWNED IT! It was all I had.....no wonder I weighed what I did.
Well... that's all changed... 10 months after relieving myself of such duties of the day to day breakfast snack lunch snack dinner desert packing someones lunch and snacks for the next day.... I somehow find my self at odds with the one place that I once cherished.
I used to be able to take a sheet cake made from scratch and dedication and turn it into something stinking awesome, or a couple round tiered double chocolate fudge cake and create a masterpiece, I would wait til the house was at rest to begin and come morning light I would have a master piece... in recent times my spot in the kitchen has diminished as if I have lost my touch. Because....well I kind of have. I'm out of practice. I hardly ever eat at home when I am alone with no babies. If I do its a meal that consist of Ramen noodles or a thrown together salad. If I'm not at home during those days I rely on the cooking of a VIP in my life...:)
Last week I was enlisted to create a birthday cake... a Cardinals football cake for the son of my boss... needless to say due to lack of patience and my daughters need for eating the fondant this cake turned out horrible. I HAVE LOST MY TOUCH.
All of the above gets to my topic! Tonight I spent the evening with my VIP who decided gratefully homemade pizza was the way to go! Me who thinks I need to be in the kitchen at all times tried to intercede. This rodeo together in the kitchen has not been our first, and I must say I rather enjoy that time in their with him. quality time spent creating something wonderful and Delicious together, Everything from biscuits to gravy (he makes the biscuits, I make the Gravy) to fudge! (Hes mastered my recipe:) We work wonderfully together... with the exception of tonight. When I got kicked out. Never have I been kicked out of the kitchen, and although I find it humorous, I also wonder if I have lost my ability to OWN the kitchen like I once had. Its just another untraveled road for me, something new to learn, and another battle to strive through to create a better and stronger me! Its amazing the little things given to us in life that help create us to be who we are and teach us who we've always been... Its OK that I no longer Own the kitchen because for the first time I own and have total control over who I am and who I can become. Besides a shared kitchen is a much happier kitchen. Especially when its shared by two happy people! :)
The pizza turned out amazing, a genious combination of homeade crust, deli pepperoni, Organic mushrooms, italian sausage, chopped onions, perfectly seasoned pizza sauce and the most amazing combination of Mozzerala, Meunster and Feta Cheese. Im glad I was kicked out because this pizza and the lessons I have learned about not having to be in control and allowing someone else take care of me in such a way have all been irreplaceable.
Monday, October 8, 2012
intuition or experience
in·tu·i·tion
noun
1. direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.
2. a fact, truth, etc., perceived in this way.
4. the quality or ability of having such direct perception or quick insight.
5. Philosophy .
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a. an immediate cognition of an object not inferred or determined by a previous cognition of the same object.
b. any object or truth so discerned.
c. pure, untaught, noninferential knowledge
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noun
1. a particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something: My encounter with the bear in the woods was a frightening experience.
2. the process or fact of personally observing, encountering, or undergoing something: business experience.
3. the observing, encountering, or undergoing of things generally as they occur in the course of time: to learn from experience; the range of human experience.
4. knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone: a man of experience.
5. Philosophy . the totality of the cognitions given by perception; all that is perceived, understood, and remembered
I often times find myself in a situation where I find myself believing something is true. I begin to mentally prepare myself for battle. I create a game plan of how I will take care of this situation, how I will go about it and ultimately what the outcome will be. I use to think that if something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck its probably a duck. I have realized that the situation may be different than perceived. If I don't hastily jump to conclusions I may find that the quacking waddling thing I see in the distance, may be a swan in closer reality. You see I have had events in my life that have made me tense in situations. These things have created me to constantly have my eyes and ears open. My mind always is looking for those missing dots. Because surely if there is something missing, if something does not line up just the way I believe it ought to....then surly something has gone awry, I must be missing something... and that missing something, must be something horribly wrong.
Several times in recent situations Ive had to sit myself back and look into the entirety of a situation, Had to have it out with myself as to whether or not the situation at hand was catching me the way it was due to intuition or because I have at one time experienced this once....or twice before. Ive had to ask myself why I still care, Why I have created such a wall of protection around myself.. that even those closest to me haven't fully found their way in. As if keeping every solitary soul at somewhat of a distance I will be able to control the amount of hurt that's able to be brought on. But truthfully its like this... if you don't tell someone the truth of how you feel, does it then mean that you can control how much it hurts... if at all one day it does... does the truth make you more vulnerable as opposed to not admitting the truth. ITS GONNA HURT EITHER WAY.... right? So why do I do it to myself?
" We as woman constantly push through our intuition as if it doesn't really exist" -my best friend.
its true....in the beginning. We see one thing and want to see another. We allow it to continue without confronting it because we have belief that whatever the case Good always wins over?
But good doesn't always win does it. and our beliefs that it will have only sat us up for a miserable failure. Intuition is a gift. Its the ability to sense and know something is not as it seems. But when we don't practice this and put it to use do we then lose it? Does it then become inoperable for us?
Experience comes from life, from mistakes, from chances, from failures, and from happenstance. When you have failed to use your intuition correctly than you are a faced with a situation that sometimes can put your face in the muck. Once you've felt your face down in the lowest that you can be, you don't want to there again.
Which is all the wonder as to why we sometimes cross intuition with experience. How do we differentiate it, and how do we correct it. How about we take the first step by faith. by allowing yourself to once again wholeheartedly live. To live with out expectations and to Love with out condition. because how can we ever have a chance to fully experience the gift of life if we do not allow ourselves to have that opportunity. We must leave our past but take our lessons, leave our fear and step in faith.
But good doesn't always win does it. and our beliefs that it will have only sat us up for a miserable failure. Intuition is a gift. Its the ability to sense and know something is not as it seems. But when we don't practice this and put it to use do we then lose it? Does it then become inoperable for us?
Experience comes from life, from mistakes, from chances, from failures, and from happenstance. When you have failed to use your intuition correctly than you are a faced with a situation that sometimes can put your face in the muck. Once you've felt your face down in the lowest that you can be, you don't want to there again.
Which is all the wonder as to why we sometimes cross intuition with experience. How do we differentiate it, and how do we correct it. How about we take the first step by faith. by allowing yourself to once again wholeheartedly live. To live with out expectations and to Love with out condition. because how can we ever have a chance to fully experience the gift of life if we do not allow ourselves to have that opportunity. We must leave our past but take our lessons, leave our fear and step in faith.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
up [spring]s the truth
I sat by myself, feeling so little on my parents large front porch, a cup of my Daddy's fresh brewed hot coffee in my hand. My son and daughter asleep in twin beds in my old bedroom. The morning air was crisp and fresh, but like any September day in Arizona, it would not last long. The heat of the day would soon arrive. I could see the mountains in the close distance and the roofs of the houses that sat below the hill my father built his house upon. I was back to my roots in this moment, surrounded by the people who loved me unconditionally. The people who knew not a thing about why I was here. Why I showed up at their doorstep at 3:30 on a Sunday morning, with a car loaded, two sleeping kids and a tear stained face. They simply took me in, no questions asked. I could see the concern and heartbrokeness for me washed over my Daddy's face. The love he has for his 5 daughters runs deeper than any love I have ever experienced. I sat alone now, I felt empty, not because I hadn't eaten a thing for the two days I had been here, but because I at this point felt as if I was no more than a shell of a girl I used to know. I had no directions as to which way to go. My husband had been trying to get me to come home. My phone never stayed quiet. It had become nothing more than a unit of torture. He wanted me to come home, he wanted to be with his wife and kids, he had an excuse for everything i threw at him. every encounter he had with her. Every joke and every pet name said between them he had a way around. I was stuck. I couldn't break up my family, torcher the kids over a situation that I could very well be making up in my head. I knew there had to be more, I knew there was a way I could catch him in something he would not have the ability to mask or hide. I didn't know what or how I was going to do it. But in the back of my head I could hear my Momma saying " if there is a will theres a way. I began to pray. Prayer was all I had. It was my only strength, The only thing i had going for me. I was 24 years old, no makeup could hide the lost girl I had become. I was useless, my worth had been spent everything i could do was just the same as anyone. there was nothing special about me nothing worth keeping around. I may had been a pretty girl at one time I may had been in excellent shape at one time, I may had also been fun to be with, and spend time with but all that was gone now. All of who I had once been was gone, or so I was told, and been told many times over the past few years. No wonder he had found companionship with someone else, no wonder I wasn't the one he wanted anymore. No wonder he was emotionally trading me in. I had realized that it wasn't for me and wanted to keep trying, It wasn't for me he wanted to push through things. It was for the kids, it was for his own pride and image. He really did love someone else, He needed her. I didn't blame him, the pictures I had seen of her the memories of who she had once been were beautiful, the stories I had heard him tell about her the way he lit up when he spoke her name... she must have been wonderful. I felt guilty for even blaming him, for even being upset about the situation. This girl had stolen my life and I didn't feel any right to try to take it back. I had to know what the extent of their relationship was I had no choice but to know the full story.
I went through the day taking care of the babies, cleaning my parents home, I was going on 3 days with almost no sleep at all but I had no choice I had to keep busy it was the only way I could hold myself together. The situation at hand kept my mind focused on a way to figure out the truth. Suddenly my head began to spin, I knew the way. I knew their was someone who had insight into the situation as well. If only I could get this person to talk to me, to open up about their perception of what was happening. They're were many reasons for this individual not to. This person may not even know who I am, may not have ever even heard of me, and if so there were many reasons to hate not only my husband but myself. This was my only option I had to know, I had no choice but to bite the bullet and write that short message that with one click i knew would be delivered to this person I was putting all my hope in. " Hi I know you don't know me, but does my husband have anything to do with you and ****** breaking up?" that was it. 21 words that began the transformation of who I had known myself to be. A Facebook message and a couple of smart phones led the way to what changed EVERYTHING.
I honestly wasn't expecting a reply, much less a reply in as short of time as I had received one. I wasn't only surprised but I was impressed with this persons ability to so quickly gain my trust, to gain a common bond over something that had so much impact and effect on both our lives. a couple back and forth facebook messages and en exchange of phone numbers led to a phone call that changed it all.
Never in all my life had I been able to so easily open up with someone about the harsh events effecting me. never had anyone so easily not only heard what I was saying but listened and understood. what was only supposed to be a short change of facts and events became the beginning of a friendship and trust with someone I had never met. I was no longer alone in this situation, I was no longer the only one effected by the foolish doings of two people looking for something more, something neither of them realized they already had the best of. In this time I had been given not only one gift from God but several, I was given truth, I was given hope and I was given this man in my life, who I at the time I had no idea the very important person he would come to be in my life. I did not fully know to the extent he had so greatly touched my life. Although it had been awhile before i had spoke with him again, In those few phone calls and exchange of messages roots had begun, and bond had been created.
I now had the facts the ammunition I needed to set things straight with my husband. I hit him hard. Never allowing him to know where the information I came forward with had come from, he had no choice but to bow to his doings.... although he still was able to make himself appear to be the victim. That was an ability he had learned well with me. He knew well how to use it against me, he had years to learn that skill. I had half heatedly made my mind up that I was finished... but the other half knew, divorce was not an option. For the kids sake for the possible salvation of my husband and for my own comfort, I knew I had to still continue to try and make this work. A long talk on a tailgate in the middle of the night parked out somewhere in the desert. There I found myself, 7 months pregnant, stressed and exhausted . I could not fight anymore. I just wanted my family back. I gave into his plea. I heard his excuses his apologies. His promise to be done with her. I gave in. with hopes that maybe something would actually change, that he would actually pull his part. That I would actually end up being good enough in his eyes. As if I could make him call me the sweet little names... instead of the names like "frumpty dumpty" he had given to me, or he would tell me I looked gorgeous, beautiful or pretty...heck I would even be happy with any positive acknowledgement from him at all. I gave in to the "one more chance" plea. I gave in to the lies and excuses the manipulative bargains and the empty promises. he had trained me well. Trained me to always follow his lead. I had been warned, I had been foretold exactly how it would play out. The "VIP" had called this one. I had been talked back home, back to where my husband had wanted me,e where he needed me. He needed someone to give him the ability to gain his height back, by standing on their neck....on my neck. to fulfil his large ego and well.... to make him something to eat. That someone was me. Although I hadn't fully realized his placement for me, I had been warned, but I had not yet accepted the truth. I let down my walls, I packed up my things my children and what was left of my pride, my heart and .....what was left of me. I went home, expecting change... hoping for change. I genuinely wanted this to work. I allowed my naive self to believe that it could. I tried, I gave it my all... One last time.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The truth to the begining of the end
Just over a year ago my life was complete... well it really wasn't, but that was what I had created it to be. I had the husband the babies, the stay at home mom job. The babies were well taken care of they had everything they could possibly need. Including mom time all day everyday. I felt so blessed to be able to stay at home and protect them, watch them grow, learn as much from them as they learned from me and the thing I now miss the very most.... I had time with my babies EVERYDAY. Although I then imagined my life to be complete it was far from it.
....July 4th 2011
(5 1/2 months pregnant with baby #3)
I had just gotten home from a weekend away, Myself and my two children had tagged along with my parents to the annual 4th of July shindig located at my older sisters home on Mormon Lake AZ. Me and the children went alone with them because, well we always went alone. It had become a tradition, family and friends flocked to their home every year, we would participate in the local events fishing derbies, petting zoo, rodeo and the annual parade. We would camp out in tents set up around her large grassy yard and enjoy the cool mountain air. We would eat Watermelon, roast marshmallows, bake cookies, and grill the hot dogs. This is how we had spent several years celebrating the 4th of July. Although I had been surrounded by family and friends...I felt alone. It was a feeling I had become accustomed to. I had just put the babies to sleep, snuggled up in their sleeping bags. I snuck out... walked to the edge of the red dirt driveway the only spot I could receive cell service. Their I waited... I had sent my husband several text throughout the day. letting him know we had made it... letting him know the kids were having fun. Letting him know what we were up toven an I , I sent several I miss yous and even an I love you. Just trying to create a conversation.... there were no replies. Maybe I just didn't have enough signal... so further I walked down the road. 4 out of 5 bars sat on top of my screen. surely he must have gotten my text...I waited for awhile... sitting on a large rock next to the road.... waiting... waiting for nothing. Maybe he was busy, busy with what? He was home alone, maybe he was working, no, he was off today. maybe he went to bed early... that was it... that had to be it. So with tears in my eyes I walked back, it had been a long day and my pregnant body needed rest. I kissed my babies goodnight and fell to sleep... 12:03 am my phone let out a little jingle under my pillow... my phone had picked up just enough signal to allow that text to come through.. "glad the kids are alright, had to help ***** with her truck. just heading back home." I felt my heart drop. I didn't reply. I felt sick to my stomach... but why? what was i suddenly worried about? He had talked about her before she was just a "friend".
The next morning I had crawled out of bed. I told my mom, "I know today is 4th of July, but I need to get home." In the pit of my stomach I knew something was up.
It was a 4 hour drive from my sisters home to my parents, another 45 min drive from my parents to my home. I couldn't get there fast enough.. I missed my husband. maybe I just wanted to try to get rid of the feeling of being alone. We arrived home. the kids and I excited to spend the 4th of July at home with their dad. During the drive we had made plans to watch the fireworks as a family, while laying on the trampoline and eating popcorn. I was just as pumped up about it as they were. We were greeted by nothing more than a "your here early" and a hug....a hug just for the kids...my Husband looked upset, not a sad upset. an angry upset. I knew the look all to well. he sat on the couch watching his 4x4 how to show. I unloaded the car and got the kids settled down for dinner. I sat down to talk with him. I tried telling him about our trip. the fun things the kids had done. The crawdad our son had caught at the fishing derby and the cookies our little girl made with her Nina. He just nodded his head. I asked him about how it went with helping ******, he suddenly came to life telling me how he had plans to drive down the next day to fix it for her, how she had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed help moving things into storage as well. I had a rush of uncertainty wash over me. I quickly reminded myself she was just a friend of his. One who had been there since high school. They talked frequently. I had always known that. He then quickly and abruptly changed the topic. With his eyes never leaving the TV screen, he said the words that haunted me for so long afterwards,"I'm not happy, I haven't been for awhile, were always broke, your always at your moms, were better off apart, we don't need to be together. Ive tried and well this isn't going to work" I sat there shocked, as if our Arizona home and just been hit by a Florida hurricane. my world crashed around me. What was he saying? Here we are 4 1/2 years of marriage going on our 3rd kid. What does he mean hes not happy? Its not just my fault were always broke. Why does he care if I'm always at my moms? he spends all his free time at his dads shop...or at least that's where he says hes at. I began to plea with him, I asked for counseling, I promised to change everything he needed me too, I cried and begged for the chance to make this work. I could not allow my children to be brought up in a broken family. I couldn't bring this baby into the world and never allow her to have a family. How could I be 24 years old with three kids and divorced? how could this happen to us. He gave in saying yes we could try. That night I watched the fireworks alone with the kids. When I put the babies to bed and I crawled in bed with them. I cried for them. I prayed for all of us. I begged God to step in and make us whole. There I stayed, all three of us in one full size bed. For weeks This was my routine. For weeks I would spend my days crying out to God to fix the brokenness I was experiencing, everyday I made sure to have dinner done by the time he got home. Kids were bathed and happy to greet him everynight when he would walk through the door. I had a smile on my face even though I was shattered on the inside. I would have his clothes clean, folded and put away, the house spotless the floors cleaned, the fridge full and the yard manicured as best I could as the weeks went on, things only got tougher. The more swollen my belly got the more swollen my feet would be. The further into my pregnancy the harder it would be to push through days. The more he would be gone the less I wanted to push through. It was the routine that kept me going. The drive to be the image of perfection for him. But it was never enough, I couldn't show my brokenness, OUR brokenness. I had to be tough, I had to be silent. I had to honor my husband and keep things quiet. I continued to push on, I continued taking my son to preschool, to soccer practice and soccer games. Graci and I kept on to our "girl time" of baking and doing each others nails. Id read them books and they would help me in the garden. It was for them I had to be strong. It was several weeks before I began to notice how much weight I had been losing due to stress of my situation, and my time spent hidden, locked away in the corner of my daughters pink room sobbing into a pillow, while everyone else would sit at the table eating their dinner...i hadnt noticed how much i had not been eating, or really if i had been eating at all. I had no desie to, no ability to even make myself have an appetite. I one night stood in front of the mirror touching up my tear stained face, trying to mask the devastation and lack of sleep with as much makeup I could spread upon my face... I couldn't see myself. I didn't know who this person was looking back at me. This broken shell of a person that no longer exist was the reflection I was looking at. No wonder he no longer found me attractive. I had gained 50 pounds throughout our marriage, I had aged far beyond my years. I spent more time in pajamas and mom clothes then one ever should, My hair very rarely left a ponytail and the best manicure/ pedicure I had ever had, came from a 2 year old. How could it be any different though. I had no time for myself, I spent every moment taking care of everyone but myself.
Before I knew we were halfway through September. Nothing much had changed. I continued to sleep in a full bed smashed between a 4yr old and a 2 yr old. I still worked away trying to create a perfect life for the family. I still believed I could make him happy. happy enough to want me. I still put on the make up and changed out of my mom clothes right before he would get home. I would drive into town if he decided he wanted a cheeseburger instead of the dinner I would spend 45 min making. Or make a grocery store run if he thought he needed ice cream or a candy bar. I still stayed up sometimes past midnight after he and the kids had gone to bed, cleaning and making him cookies or other treats for his lunch.
I had made the monthly trip 2 hours away to my OB Dr. I awaited results in her office on some recent test they had done. I knew they weren't good. I hadn't been taking care of myself. I had lost far to much weight, I was way to stressed out and I had not near enough sleep. I sat there, just me and my two kids, listening to the doctor deliver the results that were as expected, not good. I had realized more than what she was telling me I had also realized I had done all I could to make him think twice about the decision he had made to be apart. Up until now I had fought it. I now had No hope for our marriage, I cried out to God one last time. I knew I could not fight this anymore, it was doing harm not only to me but to the baby trying to grow inside me and I could see the effects it was having on these two precious children, it was written all over their faces. I had to face what I was running from, what I was hiding from. That night when I got home, I sat down with the man I had not only loved but also taken care of for so long, to have the conversation I should have had much sooner. I poured out my heart. I allowed him his chance to flee. He didn't take it. He said he wanted to make it work. He wanted us to be a family. I was Happy. He had assured me there was nothing going on with him and ******. The previous month they had taken a trip to Tucson together, they had gone out and about and met several times for lunch and other things.... and these were only the occurrences I knew about. he explained to me that they were only friends, he needed a friend, he told me that I had killed his social life and that he needed an outlet... that she was the only one that was left standing by his side. he needed her in his life and that they would always continue to be friends.I felt stuck. How could I allow him to have her in his life in such a way but then again, how could he continue to want me if I told him to send her packing, I became obsessed with finding out the truth. I obsessed over her pictures. At the time I thought she was gorgeous. She had it all. She had him. I was overcome with jealousy. I had to know what she was telling him, what they had talked about, what made him smile every time his phone went off. what made him tilt his phone to the side and what made him put a lock on it. I had to know. It was killing me, I was trying to make things work. I was trying to give him everything. But he was giving his everything to her. all his attention all of his time all of his thoughts all of him. I decided one night I was going to figure it out. I was going to know. I waited til he was asleep and silently snuck around the bed, I reached under his pillow where he kept his phone hidden and I hacked into it... It was all there. Everything I needed to know. I sat in the small bathroom crouched down on the floor reading the the back and forths the was the talks about dirty pictures and sweet little nothings, there he was telling her how gorgeous she was and her telling him what he meant to her. talking about their last time they had been together where things had clearly gotten physical. I scrolled down devastated but also relieved, relieved to finally know the full truth of the situation...then there it was the I love yous...
I had seen enough I packed my stuff at 2:30 in the morning with my trailblazer loaded to the max, with two sleepy kids in their sweet little pajamas and me, 7 months pregnant all we needed and 1/4 tank of gas had to be enough to get 45 min away to my parents house in the middle of the night, we left... left nothing but a sleeping man and his phone, his connection to the girl he clearly now loved.
This is not the end of this story, its only the begining of the end... I have struggled quite a bit with not pressing down the delete button and erasing the entirity of this post. as if not posting it and deleting its contents would delete my story. All that would result from that would simply be an empty page, the memory the reminder of that hurt and the truth will always remain. My goal is not to point fingers, to throw rocks or blame. My goal is simply to tell my story. To release it in a way that maybe someone will find understanding in thier own life.
....July 4th 2011
(5 1/2 months pregnant with baby #3)
The next morning I had crawled out of bed. I told my mom, "I know today is 4th of July, but I need to get home." In the pit of my stomach I knew something was up.
It was a 4 hour drive from my sisters home to my parents, another 45 min drive from my parents to my home. I couldn't get there fast enough.. I missed my husband. maybe I just wanted to try to get rid of the feeling of being alone. We arrived home. the kids and I excited to spend the 4th of July at home with their dad. During the drive we had made plans to watch the fireworks as a family, while laying on the trampoline and eating popcorn. I was just as pumped up about it as they were. We were greeted by nothing more than a "your here early" and a hug....a hug just for the kids...my Husband looked upset, not a sad upset. an angry upset. I knew the look all to well. he sat on the couch watching his 4x4 how to show. I unloaded the car and got the kids settled down for dinner. I sat down to talk with him. I tried telling him about our trip. the fun things the kids had done. The crawdad our son had caught at the fishing derby and the cookies our little girl made with her Nina. He just nodded his head. I asked him about how it went with helping ******, he suddenly came to life telling me how he had plans to drive down the next day to fix it for her, how she had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed help moving things into storage as well. I had a rush of uncertainty wash over me. I quickly reminded myself she was just a friend of his. One who had been there since high school. They talked frequently. I had always known that. He then quickly and abruptly changed the topic. With his eyes never leaving the TV screen, he said the words that haunted me for so long afterwards,"I'm not happy, I haven't been for awhile, were always broke, your always at your moms, were better off apart, we don't need to be together. Ive tried and well this isn't going to work" I sat there shocked, as if our Arizona home and just been hit by a Florida hurricane. my world crashed around me. What was he saying? Here we are 4 1/2 years of marriage going on our 3rd kid. What does he mean hes not happy? Its not just my fault were always broke. Why does he care if I'm always at my moms? he spends all his free time at his dads shop...or at least that's where he says hes at. I began to plea with him, I asked for counseling, I promised to change everything he needed me too, I cried and begged for the chance to make this work. I could not allow my children to be brought up in a broken family. I couldn't bring this baby into the world and never allow her to have a family. How could I be 24 years old with three kids and divorced? how could this happen to us. He gave in saying yes we could try. That night I watched the fireworks alone with the kids. When I put the babies to bed and I crawled in bed with them. I cried for them. I prayed for all of us. I begged God to step in and make us whole. There I stayed, all three of us in one full size bed. For weeks This was my routine. For weeks I would spend my days crying out to God to fix the brokenness I was experiencing, everyday I made sure to have dinner done by the time he got home. Kids were bathed and happy to greet him everynight when he would walk through the door. I had a smile on my face even though I was shattered on the inside. I would have his clothes clean, folded and put away, the house spotless the floors cleaned, the fridge full and the yard manicured as best I could as the weeks went on, things only got tougher. The more swollen my belly got the more swollen my feet would be. The further into my pregnancy the harder it would be to push through days. The more he would be gone the less I wanted to push through. It was the routine that kept me going. The drive to be the image of perfection for him. But it was never enough, I couldn't show my brokenness, OUR brokenness. I had to be tough, I had to be silent. I had to honor my husband and keep things quiet. I continued to push on, I continued taking my son to preschool, to soccer practice and soccer games. Graci and I kept on to our "girl time" of baking and doing each others nails. Id read them books and they would help me in the garden. It was for them I had to be strong. It was several weeks before I began to notice how much weight I had been losing due to stress of my situation, and my time spent hidden, locked away in the corner of my daughters pink room sobbing into a pillow, while everyone else would sit at the table eating their dinner...i hadnt noticed how much i had not been eating, or really if i had been eating at all. I had no desie to, no ability to even make myself have an appetite. I one night stood in front of the mirror touching up my tear stained face, trying to mask the devastation and lack of sleep with as much makeup I could spread upon my face... I couldn't see myself. I didn't know who this person was looking back at me. This broken shell of a person that no longer exist was the reflection I was looking at. No wonder he no longer found me attractive. I had gained 50 pounds throughout our marriage, I had aged far beyond my years. I spent more time in pajamas and mom clothes then one ever should, My hair very rarely left a ponytail and the best manicure/ pedicure I had ever had, came from a 2 year old. How could it be any different though. I had no time for myself, I spent every moment taking care of everyone but myself.
Before I knew we were halfway through September. Nothing much had changed. I continued to sleep in a full bed smashed between a 4yr old and a 2 yr old. I still worked away trying to create a perfect life for the family. I still believed I could make him happy. happy enough to want me. I still put on the make up and changed out of my mom clothes right before he would get home. I would drive into town if he decided he wanted a cheeseburger instead of the dinner I would spend 45 min making. Or make a grocery store run if he thought he needed ice cream or a candy bar. I still stayed up sometimes past midnight after he and the kids had gone to bed, cleaning and making him cookies or other treats for his lunch.
I had made the monthly trip 2 hours away to my OB Dr. I awaited results in her office on some recent test they had done. I knew they weren't good. I hadn't been taking care of myself. I had lost far to much weight, I was way to stressed out and I had not near enough sleep. I sat there, just me and my two kids, listening to the doctor deliver the results that were as expected, not good. I had realized more than what she was telling me I had also realized I had done all I could to make him think twice about the decision he had made to be apart. Up until now I had fought it. I now had No hope for our marriage, I cried out to God one last time. I knew I could not fight this anymore, it was doing harm not only to me but to the baby trying to grow inside me and I could see the effects it was having on these two precious children, it was written all over their faces. I had to face what I was running from, what I was hiding from. That night when I got home, I sat down with the man I had not only loved but also taken care of for so long, to have the conversation I should have had much sooner. I poured out my heart. I allowed him his chance to flee. He didn't take it. He said he wanted to make it work. He wanted us to be a family. I was Happy. He had assured me there was nothing going on with him and ******. The previous month they had taken a trip to Tucson together, they had gone out and about and met several times for lunch and other things.... and these were only the occurrences I knew about. he explained to me that they were only friends, he needed a friend, he told me that I had killed his social life and that he needed an outlet... that she was the only one that was left standing by his side. he needed her in his life and that they would always continue to be friends.I felt stuck. How could I allow him to have her in his life in such a way but then again, how could he continue to want me if I told him to send her packing, I became obsessed with finding out the truth. I obsessed over her pictures. At the time I thought she was gorgeous. She had it all. She had him. I was overcome with jealousy. I had to know what she was telling him, what they had talked about, what made him smile every time his phone went off. what made him tilt his phone to the side and what made him put a lock on it. I had to know. It was killing me, I was trying to make things work. I was trying to give him everything. But he was giving his everything to her. all his attention all of his time all of his thoughts all of him. I decided one night I was going to figure it out. I was going to know. I waited til he was asleep and silently snuck around the bed, I reached under his pillow where he kept his phone hidden and I hacked into it... It was all there. Everything I needed to know. I sat in the small bathroom crouched down on the floor reading the the back and forths the was the talks about dirty pictures and sweet little nothings, there he was telling her how gorgeous she was and her telling him what he meant to her. talking about their last time they had been together where things had clearly gotten physical. I scrolled down devastated but also relieved, relieved to finally know the full truth of the situation...then there it was the I love yous...
This is not the end of this story, its only the begining of the end... I have struggled quite a bit with not pressing down the delete button and erasing the entirity of this post. as if not posting it and deleting its contents would delete my story. All that would result from that would simply be an empty page, the memory the reminder of that hurt and the truth will always remain. My goal is not to point fingers, to throw rocks or blame. My goal is simply to tell my story. To release it in a way that maybe someone will find understanding in thier own life.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
responsible [happiness]
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” -Unknown
Last night I was asked "why did he do this to me.... I was happy". Although I replied with the typical "happiness comes from within and above, we cannot rely on others for that. If we do we will ultimaltly be failed" I didnt fully believe my own words. As if actually relying on someone else to provide our happiness for us is the way to live our lives. This has caused me to do a bit of thinking. Why do we as people believe that our happiness depends on someone else. Or if we are able to provide happiness for someone else. Often times I find myself believing one day I will be happy. I will live the life I want to live... or thinking of my past and saying silently to myself "I could have been so happy had I done that differently". We are not guaranteed tommorow, we are not even guaranteed the rest of today. so why wait to be happy why believe we are entitled to have someone make us happy. Happiness is not a privelage. Happiness is a choice for a way of life. If you are not happy with your circumstances, then change them. We were not created to be sustained by others but to have control and responsibility for ourselves. We all cry our tears, we all feel our hearts break, sorrow and pain are inevitable. We must overcome them. We can allow it to bring us down, or we can allow ourselves to grow from those. We can not control the thoughts and emotions of others. Only ourselves. So why do we believe they can control ours. Allowing someone the freedom to do so sets you up for nothing but failure. Giving that part of you to God will set you up for nothing but joyfulness and gladness. Psalm 68:3 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful. I alone am responsible for my abilty to experience an overall happiness in my life. Its a daily choice, that despite my circumstances and situations that may arise I will rise above. Continue to push forward whole heartedly. Love and be thankful for the people I have been blessed with in my life, and wish those that no longer choose to be a part of my life, happiness and well being [Because Happiness is something EVERYONE deserves]. Genesis 1:27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. We humans each have the ability to choose happiness. Its not a gift its a choice. Its a state of mind. We cant wait for the day that it shows up on a silver platter. If we chose to wait, that day will never come. Gone are the days that I will give blame for my sorrows and transgressions. Gone are the days that I will allow my happiness to be in the control of someone else. They are my responsibility!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
So here I am.... 25 years old in a world I didnt fully know. A journey in which I appreciate having, but will also appreciate not traveling again. Here I am with a story I have struggled with writing. Feelings, emotions, and lessons I had struggled with allowing anyone else to know. Its the truth of what has become [MY LIFE]. For years I have learned to mask my struggles, as if being Superwoman was the way we as humans were created to be, the image of being tough enough to walk through what seemed to be hell and not allowing for anyone to realize it, painted a picture of a warrior to me, as if I would be granted a sword and be called Xena. The reality of the falsehood of this image came to be once I realized the severity of my reality. The life I was living had not been what I had imagined it to be. Once I had realized the truth, I also was forced into the realization that I had also begun to mask my true self from even [ME] the person who needed the truth the most....MYSELF! How could I give my burdens to God, how could I learn, grow and move on from my situations if I continued to run from these things that haunted my life. I have realized I have been refusing myself the ability to face my struggles as opposed to running from them....Xena was a warrior not a runner.
The outcome of my life so far is not uncommon for a smalltown girl, married at 19, after spending the prior 5 months getting through the first part of my pregnancy, spending my 21st birthday pregnant and home with just myself and 12 month old baby and spending my third pregnancy worried and fretting about a situation I knew I had no control over and ultimatly leading to the the end of my life as I had once known....and so began the life I now know and happily live, excited for what will come next. Im now learning how to face the thingss of not only my past but aslo my present. This sometimes still remains a struggle to me, but you cannot grow, cannot strengthen unless you have a struggle.
2 samuel 22:40...You armed me with strength for battle; you humbled my advasaries before me.
The outcome of my life so far is not uncommon for a smalltown girl, married at 19, after spending the prior 5 months getting through the first part of my pregnancy, spending my 21st birthday pregnant and home with just myself and 12 month old baby and spending my third pregnancy worried and fretting about a situation I knew I had no control over and ultimatly leading to the the end of my life as I had once known....and so began the life I now know and happily live, excited for what will come next. Im now learning how to face the thingss of not only my past but aslo my present. This sometimes still remains a struggle to me, but you cannot grow, cannot strengthen unless you have a struggle.
2 samuel 22:40...You armed me with strength for battle; you humbled my advasaries before me.
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