moving on!

I haven't written much in a while... in fact its been a long while.. mainly because I felt as if this had become a burial ground for my past. I would revisit every once in awhile, only to see how depressing I had become. so now you may see that most of my little notes have been removed... not hidden but gone. I believe if you are going to move on. If you are going to leave the past in the past you have to drop it and walk away. It never ceases to amaze me how God choses to show us things and teach us very valuable lessons.. like Simply trusting in him. Because its us putting our trust in him that allows us to move forward in life in the direction he has called us to go. when I think of this I think of my own children.. like my 6 year old trying to learn how to swim. His fear of letting go leads him to clinging on, not allowing himself to just let go.. and not realizing that even if he couldn't swim the water is only 3 ft deep. he clings he flails.. He's scared... and as much as I tell him he is going to be okay.. he cant hear me. he wont listen to me. In order for him to learn one of the biggest lessons of his life... he must let go.. he must trust me, Just like we must trust in God. So here I am, trusting god, letting go of my own understanding, and putting my faith in one who is much mightier. Life is hard. Life has its struggles it has its downs.. but it also has its peace it has its healing and it has its Joy. we just have to allow ourselves the ability to let go of our burdens and give them to God because only then will he take them away and only then can we have true joy. Claim it. Accept it. Embrace it

The loss of our flesh

Imagine you are a grape, a ripe sweet grape, grown to and with perfection, picked at the very perfect time. Now imagine that you are tossed into a bucket among others, and are poured into a larger contraption... A wine press.
And all of a sudden a force is pushing you down. down into the others. you can slowly begin to feel your skin about to tear the pressure is too much to bear. and then for just a split second the pressure is relieved... but then it is right back, your skin has already weakened it becomes harder to hold on to your flesh. but then this process happens over and over.  continuously bearing this weight and at first you are only leaking your sweet juice but as time goes on and the weaker in the flesh we become the more juice that we release, and then comes the point that there is nothing left of your flesh, just the skin but you, you have become the sought after juice.
 What used to make you Beautiful and what used to define who and what you are is nothing now. It is left behind and unusable. It was your flesh, your pulp. but now the wine maker has taken from that only which he intends to use. only that which is pleasing to him.

 
It doesn't end there. Now you must be sifted and the remaining sediment removed. your closer to your finish product... but in the form you now are in you must continue the process...( lets call this the lukewarm stage. neither cold nor hot. this stage does nothing. you must press on you must be refined). It isn't until these final stages that you begin to resemble what you were intended to be all along.
 

 
Our lives are like a wine press. we must have our flesh crushed so that God can do his mighty work on us to make us who he had always planned for us to be. Just like the Grape bush planted at a winery with a purpose. We had a divine destination while we were still in the wombs of our mothers. we must endure the wine press so that we may continue on to where we were intended and please the Lord.

LOVE

We are human, some of us trust, some of us hope, some of us love, some of us fear, some of us break to hard to do any of the above. We all have had our experiences... some of us have had more than our fair share. What are we supposed to do? We are told to Love and not hate, to trust and not fear. "but i say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." Mathew 5:44 sometimes this doesn't sound so hard, but the truth is, when you look at Love and the definition we are given to follow it becomes difficult to find ourselfs followowing this thouroghly "LOVE SUFFERS LONG AND IS KIND: LOVE DOES NOT ENVY; LOVE DOES NOT PARADE ITSELF, IS NOT PUFFED UP; DOES NOT BEHAVE RUDELY; DOES `NOT SEEK ITS OWN, IS NOT PROVOKED, THINKS NO EVIL; DOES NOT REJOICE IN INIQUITY, BUT REJOICES IN TRUTH; BEARS ALL THINGS BELIEVES IN ALL THINGS HOPES ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS. LOVE NEVER FAILS." 1 CORINTHIANS13:4
We are told to love, regardless of our of our trials and the mountains that we climb in our individual lives. not just love the people that walk the mountains with us, the ones that carry you through the tough times or the ones that we carry. But we are told to love even those that cause us climbing the mountains, the ones that help create our struggles and the ones that have shown no love to us. LOVE this we have been commanded.
So Yesterday and today when I have been battling my own war, I have failed. I have allowed myself to trade love in for hate. regardless of why a person has infected my life in such a way that I have allowed them so much undeserved emotion I still have found my heart in a place of wrong, and allowed myself to hate my enemy as opposed to loving  as I have been commanded. And for this I am wrong. yet another of my own personal struggles.

battle of discouragment

I used to be excited to get up and go to work, Id wake up knowing that I would learn something new. Somewhere along the way of monotonous day to day I have grown tired and discouraged. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I adore the pets I get to spend my day with, and the girls I work alongside. However, I have let discouragement get the best of me. Not that I haven't deserved correction but every time I have received it, I allowed it to bring me down. I would mess something up... and I would face the consequences. Ive always been one to take the blame listen to the lecture, whether or not I was the one who had done the deed in the first place, somewhere within the last few months I somehow began to try to defend myself, maybe I was tired of taking blame for others actions, maybe I was frustrated for getting knocked down for something I honestly tried to do correctly. But the fact is: I became defensive. I became discouraged. I began to feel as if  success was not something I could reach. I continued to try and be happy, to have a smile on my face. I tried to continue to be me... although I didn't feel like me. It had gotten the best of me.I had gotten used to doing things a certain way, but then was told I wasn't fast enough... so I tried to go faster. I began missing important things... like Heart Murmurs. I screwed things up. I pissed people off. never with any intention of doing so. Today I left work... wanting to cry, discouraged and feeling horrible about not only my work performance... but about my character.I felt as if I was I kept sliding down the mountain I was trying to climb. I was frustrated with the feeling of always having to hold back the tears.   I faced that moment where I looked back at the transformation of the person I had become. I had allowed the criticism I have received in every aspect of my life, from my child rearing ways, to the way I practice my faith, with whom I spend my time with and how I perform at work to put a damper on who I am and my true character. I am not a defensive person, I am however a person who quickly becomes discouraged. Its something I know I  need to work on. We all have flaws, we all have areas in our lives that we need Gods help and direction. Some battle with control, some with deceit, some battle with jealousy. Everyone has a battle. This is just one of my many. This is my public and very vulnerable pledge. I must grow out of this area in my life before it takes me further down a path i need not to be on, instead I need to begin the uphill fight to overcome the daily battle of discouragement that affects me in every area of my life.

the promise of 2013

Never have I been one to celebrate the new year, to bring it in with a glass of something sparkling and a big shebang of Happy New Year being yelled out of the mouth of multiple people packed into a room to celebrate the New Year together. In fact almost every single New Year for the most part has spent alone, there were a few times in my younger than 18 years that I would sneak a bottle of sparkling cider into my room and act as if it was something more than juice with bubbles and wait patiently by myself until the clock would change and the new year would begin in which I would say Happy New Year to myself and crawl in bed in which it caused no problems for anyone but my dad who had to drag my butt out of bed in the mornings to got to school. As I got older nothing seemed to change much, except that instead of a glass of juice with bubbles, I held in my hand a bottle of milk and a sleeping baby, or the years I sat in the dark house awake alone by myself waiting for the new year to begin. Never has New Years been a big deal to me, although I always thought it would be a great change of pace in life to spend it with a few good people, and Ive always wanted on of those new year kisses. This year some things will change and its that this year I have a goal and also that  when the clock turns to midnight....I will be asleep, well I hope I am asleep and that the sick baby of mine will finally sleep through the night and I don't go trekking into the new year covered in vomit.

The New year has never had much meaning to me... until now. Because this year I will only move forward... leaving the past behind. This time last year I was living at my parents, moving the few things I was choosing to take from my house in Morenci into my parents garage, I had no real vision as to where the year was going to lead, I just knew that it would be a year of much change, and that it was, my divorce was finalized, I had to learn how to adjust to having my children only half of the time, I had to learn how to be a single mom, I started a new job which turned more into a career, I had to learn how to balance life, bills, single mom hood, kids school, babysitters, sports, work, housekeeping, my faith and a new relationship all within this past year. not saying in the least bit that I conquered any of this because surely I have not. I have gone through this year growing stronger each day, learning more of who I am, and how much of certain things I can handle. Yesterday December 30th would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. I can stand here today without regret that a year ago when I made the decision to walk away, it was the best decision I could have made.

In this new year my Goals are simple. I want to continue to grow in every way possible. I am quite aware that growth only comes from lessons, from pain and and from trials. But I am also aware of the person that I could someday be with the growth in so many areas. from growth in relationships with the people close to me and those who hold very important roles in my life and the relationships with my children. I want my faith to grow, my knowledge of my job, of my life, and all things that pertain to me to grow, I want a growth in my patience level, in my level of grace and mercy, I want growth in  my ability to forgive and to release grudges. there are many ways that I have allot of room to grow in. and this is my goal for 2013. I want to grow.... all while keeping my waist line thin ;)
My night will be spent alone in bed asleep (hopefully) no big party, no midnight kiss, no toast of the glasses... just me, my sleeping babies and a quite home... but a wonderful start to a new year that I will start off by dropping my kids off at the babysitters and clocking in at work.

Happy New Year, and may you have a blessed 2013 as I am sure I will have!

single momhood

Two weeks shy of one year ago, I embarked upon a journey I knew absolutely nothing about. It was a lifestyle I had never learned to live.... because I never had to. I knew I would face struggles, face some level of hardships and see and do things I had never had to see or do. I would have to walk away from the security of a steady paycheck, health insurance and the ability to see and care for my children everyday. I was prepared to work 2 or 3 jobs to make things happen to take care of what needed to be taken care of. I had worked previously but it had been over 5 years since I had to make things work completely by my side and even then there were only a few months that I had been out of my parents house before I was married. At that time there was no car payment to make, my auto insurance was as low as ever, gas and electric were paid in one night of tips from my waitressing job. 6 months after moving out of my parents home I had been put on bed rest... forcing me to no longer work, 1 month later shortly after giving birth to my first born we moved to to a town 2.5 hours away. after that I worked on and off.  Whenever the insignificant other decided I needed to help out more and that I wasn't contributing enough he would send me out to work until he got tire of me not taking care of things well enough at home in which I would then be told to quit. It didn't matter. His checks paid the bills and got us by. Although I at times did financially help out, I never was solely responsible for the entirety of my financial aspects.... Because of this I knew I would have a serious mountain to climb... but to me, with the life I knew I had to walk away from it was nothing short of an ambition I had to follow.
I knew that December day with my heart as cold as the weather, that when I walked away from my secure spot... there was no coming back.
I lived at my parents sharing my old room with my newborn and the two older kids had taken the room at the end of the hall... the room across from my little sister, they loved being so close to their Tia Audrey and spending so much time with their grandparents. Their transition started off well. they adjusted to their circumstances. I got by with what we had and once my youngest was 3 months old and I had to begin allowing her to have more away time from me and more time with her Father, I began searching for a job. It wasn't long before I was sitting in the drive thru of an In and Out Burger in Tucson with my best friend and her phone rang... It was Dawnie, her little sister. There was a baby sitting job at a local church and if I wanted it I could take it. I accepted and soon found myself in a familiar Church's nursery 2 evenings and 1 morning a week. It was enough to cover diapers and formula but I knew I eventually needed to find something more.
I sat in a local Mexican food restaurant with Les, a woman who is a great part of mine and my children's life, she was helping me with divorce papers over lunch. I was just explaining to her my need for a job when I came across an opportunity. A Doctor I knew, was also meeting someone for lunch at the same restaurant. I had known her  for awhile, nothing to personal she employed my little sister a few years back and she was a member of the church I had grown up in. It was Friday and she said I could start the following Monday. God bless her heart, she had no idea what she was getting herself into with having me around.
I was scared yet excited for I knew this was my first big step to my new life. I quickly realized that I knew nothing about the medical Field... let alone the practice of Veterinary Medicine....and I was more than surprised at where I had ended up when on my first day on the job I witnessed an emergency C-Section on a large English Cream Golden Retriever. I was shocked as all get out when a small puppy still in the sac was dropped in my hands and I was told to make him able to breathe, within a few moments and ALOT of teaching on how to make him do so, the small pup in my hands began to squeal and wiggle. I was still just a bit blown away by what had just happened when a lady with a pregnant goat walked in the front door. I somehow found myself holding a goat as they began to tug the baby out of the birth canal, although being a Doctor for 15 plus years she knew what I didn't... the baby goat was dead. so when the leg came unattached to the rest of the body still in the birth canal and was flung back, hitting the owner of the C-Section dog we had just done on the chest, I  about peed my pants from laughter and gasp with horror at the same time.  I realized I had much to learn but I had so quickly fell in love with this profession. From wrestling 100 pound dogs down for a blood draw to vaccinating 200+ head of cattle in a day I knew this would be more than just a job for a paycheck.

 Last Friday I had an amazing opportunity... AAEP. American Association of Equine Practice. It was the annual conference in which we traveled 516 + miles via the Camaro. It was an amazing experience from the knowledge I gained to the chance to sit in a room filled with such intelligent people and truthfully I'm sure I was most likely the most clueless one there. It was a few days filled with so many new experiences. From restaurants with table cloths and the most amazing fillet Mignon that this small town girl has ever tasted. Lessons and chances that I may never come across again. I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity that I was given... Although I was still incredibly happy to get home to all that I love and out of high heels.

Debbie and I off to The House Of Blues at Downtown Disney

The Anahiem Convention Center

Off to learn amazing new things

...That amazing Filet Mignon im talking about... Morton's is where its at!

within this year everyday has been a challenge for me... because everyday I am faced with something I know nothing about. There are days where patients I have loved and cared for find their time to go see Jesus, times where I have had to help patients that have had suffered a horrible injury and condition and have had to send them home knowing that they were going to continue to suffer and then there are the patients that steal every bit of your heart as they fight with all they have to live. Ive learned so much and yet I still yearn to learn more. I have had opportunities I never in my very large imagination one year ago thought I would have.. and although every day as a single mom, balancing life in the only ways I know how I am still able to keep stepping forward with a smile on my face and babies in my arms knowing that the choices I made are still the most productive ones I could have possibly have chose.  For even though every day in this new life of mine with no security, not always knowing if all the bills will be paid, I have full faith in God above that he will continue to provide for me and my babies. I have been blessed with the most amazing people in my life. People who bless me in their own ways every single day,  words of encouragement,  financial blessings and unconditional love. I have been beyond blessed by my VIP, my amazing boss, my family my Friends and fellow co-workers. My life may sometimes look empty from the outside as if I don't have much... but really its as full and as amazing as it possibly can be. I may have had to work my butt off to keep from sinking and at each moment when I thought I was finally going to drown I was rescued. Being a single mom is no easy task but knowing your children are taken care of with the best you can do is still rewarding.
Knowing that you have a family full of love a job that makes you love going to work and a very special Man that somehow found something inside me that I thought was no longer there is an amazing feeling. I don't need all that Earth has to offer, Because I have all that I want and need here in my own little world. It took every bit of strength I had in me to walk away from the life I knew, but I was rewarded with a new strength, a new hope, and a new ability to obtain a life of excellence. I can accept the struggles because in return I receive the blessings... my life is full of blessings.

Sweet Bailey... who after two large surgeries and delivering 10 pups 5 in which survived is fighting with all she has to live. Send your love and prayers her way!!!

letting go of fear

It was an early Spring night. The weather was just begining to warm up, I was somewhat prepared for what was about to happen, my Momma had already prepared me for the devastion i was about to feel. I sat on the tan couch in my Mommas living room, its the same on that now sits in my living room. everything from A-Z was going through my mind. I knew only enough to prepare my heart. I heard an unfamiliar knock on the door, it was wierd, it was the garage door. Only people we knew well came through the garage door, and if we knew them that well....they werent gonna knock...especially him. But there he was standing in his red Fox Racing t-shirt. The look on his face said it all. It all began with a "we need to talk" and even at 16 those words can be heart shocking. I led him through that  house I grew up in and back outside through the sliding doors leading to the large back porch. We akwardly sat on that porch swing outside my parents bedroom. I already could feel the tears begin to builkd up, as we tried to make small talk, both knowing what the end of our conversation was going to hold. I looked into his green eyes and simply but quietly said "say it".... and he did. He began with the whole spilll... " were too young, and we need to see what our other options are" he went on but it only sounded like a bunch of rambles, my head was spiining my heart breaking and my eyes were no longer strong enough to hold back the tears. and then all of a sudden i heard this statement "if its meant to be itll come back again" BULLSHIT... just saying, how do we know that? theres no way to prove that, that is only a line some woman or man made up to make the breaking up proccess easier. He drove away in his marroon Nissan that night leaving me and my broken heart left to pick up the peices...

Ive always looked back at that night wondering why it hurt so bad. Other than him being the first one that I allowed to get that close to me he was nothing other than a 16 year old boy who wanted more chances in life. What did I expect we were only 15 when we began dating.  Im now realizing the truth as to why I always find myself wondering why that night stays in my mind, every detail of it every word.... but now I think I finally understand it.

I allowed myself a chance, a chance to give my heart fully to someone. And he gave it back. Simply handed it back for the chance of better options. I at the point without realizing became unable to be as naive and vulnerable as I was for him. In fact I was so far from being vulnerable and able to  give of myself in that way. The last couple days I have really been looking deep inside myself to figure out how this has affected my life. I in reaction to this began to not allow people too close, to love me and to learn who I trully am. I shut the ability to be myself even to myself in fear of of being rejected for that.  I never thought there would be someone who wouldnt take advantage of that. So here I am realizing that yes hearts will be broken, you lose what you give. But you will never know what is within reach if you never reach for it.

Love and life are a gamble.
give yourself  a chance, regardless of what you fear!