embracing vulnerability

What happens when we become vulnerable?  Yes we leave ourselves, our minds our heart and the essence of our soul wide open for catastrophe, but we also leave it wide open for a beauty in our lives we would not otherwise have.  Its a chance, a step out in faith. No one other than yourself can control your level of vulnerability. No one other than you can decide how deep your layers are peeled back. Yes, if are able to hide yourself behind a rock, you will be protected from that possible catastrophe, but you will also be in harms way of never fully living to the potential in which you were created to live. I may have thought that I had protected myself, that I hid behind a bush well enough to be shielded from the elements... but when I realized I never was, that the bush I was finding refuge in, was a simple stump hiding me from the afternoon sun, not fully hidden but not completely exposed, I simply was able to find myself embracing, the ability to freely be me. The ability to be happy of course I will continue to have worries, I will continue have my insecurities, my second guessing nature will always be prevalent, this is who I am. But being vulnerable, that's part of who I am also, even when I had tried to not allow it to overtake me and I tried to overcome it I failed because that was not how God created us to be. This is me.... embracing even that part of me!!!

Vulnerability

 

Vulnerability, its a concept, an emotion, and a fear. For me it has become one of my deepest fears. Why open our hearts to something that can potentially hurt us? why allow ourselves to be like a deer who stands in an open pasture, enjoying eating from the earth and playing in the warmth of the day, if we know that at any moment one of the many hunters could come out to shoot us down? For awhile there deep inside I felt as if I should hide, hide from light and remain completely and utterly in control of not falling into a vulnerable spot. I had plenty of experiences with leaving myself expose, allowing me to be completely and utterly vulnerable, and each time I have paid the consequences, I had come to place in my life that I felt there was no longer any way I could allow myself to be at all vulnerable. I found myself shutting off those closest to me. I began pushing those closest to me away, I caught myself not allowing myself to bond with my children, because I knew it wouldn't be long before they would go back to their Dad's for a couple days and seeing them go broke every bit that was Left of my heart into pieces everytime. Each time they cried out to me and I had to drive away was like daggers in my soul. I allowed relationships to be built, to develop and to grow... but I still kept it all at a distance. a distance from my heart. It was easier that way. I allowed one single little life to fully come in and love me.... because a dog will not betray you, a dog will love you endlessly, they will sleep by your bed and wag their tail when they hear your voice and prance around in your presence. they will unconditionally wholeheartedly love you.

Biscuit Love, a little yellow lab puppy came to the Clinic from the pound when she was 3 months old, I first began to love her because i thought i could control that love, she was to be sent off at 6 months to a training facility to become a service dog for Veterans, wounded soldiers. I knew each day i could go to work, feed her, give her love, send her outside, give her a treat and teach her to sit. her and Apple, another little 3 month old lab with the same chosen destiny, grew on me rather quickly. Each coming down with parvo i was devastated crying like a hysterical baby as they put a catheter  in Apple's arm and placing her in an isolated parvo room. not long after each had recovered we learned the puppies would have to wait until 2 years of age to be accepted into a training program. At the time Apple had been found a loving home and I scooped my Biscuit up and took her home. I LOVED this sweet dog, my kids and I fell in love, she would grow old in our care, she would be a best friend to each of us, I could train her and love her and she would never betray me.... and then after stepping in several puddles of sticky pee, and a couple blood test later revealed She was type one diabetic, she came down with T1D after having parvo, something extremely uncommon.  a few weeks later after losing the battle of high blood sugar and being unable to adequately level out the right diet to appropriatly stimulate growth but maintain a healthy BS level I gave in to the recommendations of having her put down... I cried uncontrollably in the empty surgery room. at that moment I laid down the law to myself... NO MORE...no more vulnerability, this was in early august, and Ive learned much since then I realized that it doesn't matter if my kids leave me, because they are going to come back, they will still love me, cherish me, and hold me. Its up to me to do the same back to them... because its them that matter not me. I learned that the best people in your life are there to make you grow, to make you strong, to put a smile on your face, and to love you for everything you are and everything you are not. Ive learned that is OK to stand in an open Field and walk through the wildflowers. Because smelling the aroma of an open Field is like feeling love deep in your chest.  Yes vulnerability is something to be cherished not something to be feared.

 

 

 

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wowonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

Thankability

Its November... I can not believe it. November is such a busy month, birthdays mainly,2 nieces, 1 nephew, 1 brother in law, 1 grandma, and my VIP all have November birthdays..I kinda feel like I'm forgetting someone, and holidays and family, of course working extra hours to get through December.  So the thought of following some peoples role of acknowledging one thing each day throughout November that they are thankful for is a little unrealistic for me. Mainly because well If I haven't mentioned it yet one of those horrible characteristics of mine is... I'm sort of forgetful... to say the least. Besides shouldn't we be thankful all year not just November. Shouldn't we count our blessings each and every day not just is seasons.  So here is my thankful list. Not everything may make it on here, but you ll get the gist of it, and honestly its more of having a thankful heart, not just a thankful blog! :)
 

 

 I'm thankful for my babies. For William Tell, who is an amazing little boy with talent and strength who is wise and full of drive. who's green eyes capture his momma each time. For Graci Ann a gorgeous little girl who is always good for a laugh. who reminds me constantly of a woman who stole my heart years ago, a woman who I cherished and loved as a little girl, who I lost as A Grandma and a Friend when I was only 3. Her character is such a reminder of her, And it breaks my heart that My Grandma Rosa never had a chance to know this baby girl who is so much like her yet so much like me. A nosey, into everything, funny, strong and witty little girl who always knows the right time to make me feel like a million bucks. For Aurora LeAnne, who is the sweetest little gift from God a Hysterically hilarious 1 year old who got me through the toughest time in my life yet. She steals my heart each and every time she calls out to me. I'm thankful for each and every day I have with them, Thankful for their hugs their kisses their ability to make me laugh and make my heart melt.

I'm thankful for my family, My Daddy who has loved me unconditionally even when he shouldn't, I'm thankful for the amazing man he is and always has been, a wonderful example of how a man should be. A man who I have cherished absolutely every moment and memory I have with, who's unwavering faith and compassion is remarkable. My Ma, who even though I'm a straight out shit sometimes, she is always there to pick me up, sometimes she has to get a good laugh in first but none the less she is there. her love for her family is like no other and has taught me over and over how to have have that same love and loyalty. Each of my sisters, who each have had a part in the making and molding of who I am. They are a constant reminder of unconditional love and the true meaning of sticking together. They are each beautiful inside and out in their own way... each with a heart of gold. I'm thankful for my Nieces and nephew that i absolutely adore... each and every single one of them have stolen a chunk of my heart. And my brother in laws, the funny, smart and pain in the asses... (some of them) that they are. they are great and perfect additions to our ginormous family we have.




I'm thankful for Mimi and Papa T, For all the love and support they give to my family, for the hugs and love they give to each of us. For Showing time and time again true love. who's love for each other is a remarkable sight, their love story is beautiful. As beautiful as they are, I adore them.

Im thankful for "Abuelita Linda" and Tio John, who shower my babies with love and have been a huge part of their lives for the last several months. There is no one better suited to care for my children the way they do. they are a blessing in so many ways.

I'm thankful for my Best of Friends, and all those who find my dorkiness somewhat manageable enough to still stick around. The girls who have made me laugh uncontrollably, the ones who tell me how it is.. in their own smartass way. I'm thankful For DeAnna Rae who for the last 15+ years has been in my life. The girl I have fought with over absolutely nothing and the girl who has been there for me during the best and worst times of my life. The girl who my day does not feel complete until we have had a conversation of some sort even if it is just about tampons or shoes. The girl who got me out of as much trouble as she has gotten me into. The girl that is usually always the first one I call. She Is Auntie DeNanna to my babies and the perfect best Friend to me.
 I'm thankful for Jackie... My beautiful Jack who has been through so much but yet her heart is just as pure as it was the day she immediately became another Best Friend 10 years ago... a nerdy little 8th grader who stole my heart with her smart ass wittiness and her gorgeous big brown eyes. Despite my horrible influence that I take complete responsibility for. The only person in the world I would have at 17 ran down the street naked with due to a lost bet. She is responsible a VERY LARGE PART for the laughter I have. She points things out in a situation I would have never of seen. She is not only next to me most of the time... she is a part of me. I'm thankful for her and her two babies, that have become best Friends with my babies. I love them so very much. I'm thankful For them. 

Stephanie who makes me laugh uncontrollably with her laugh and smile that lights up the room,

For Ashley who is always there. For Sarah Miller with the biggest and funnest personality. For Sarah Petty Britt.... The Girl that got away... A Friend so genuine and amazing a girl that I have created so many memories with a girl I miss so very much. Despite our growing apart I will always consider one my best of Friends.
 


 I'm thankful for a Beautiful wonderful woman inside and out that God has put into my life. A woman who has played an ideal part of where I am today, who has taken me in and loved me, who gave me a job, a place to rent, who has opened her life up to me and my children and has loved us so very much. A woman who has become more than just a boss, more than just a spiritual sister... but a friend... a friendship I cherish. Her and her little monchers are an ideal part of my family. I love them each.
I'm thankful for those wonderful girls that I get to spend everyday with, Jennifer, Shannel, Devri, Bama, Tammi, Mary, and Dakota. These girls put up with my mood swings, my dorkiness, my mistakes, my children... all with smiles on their faces, they make me laugh they make me smile and accept me everyday. I couldn't imagine better people to work alongside of.

I'm thankful for the aunts the uncles and ALL (theres ALOT) my cousins. Im thankful for my Grandpas who worked and loved as hard as they did, and my Grandmas that I learned so much from. Im thankful for the time we still have with Grandma Jo, a woman with a heart of gold. A true child of God.

I'm thankful for my home, for my car, for my ability to work. I'm thankful for everything God has blessed me with. Including every trial and rough spot I have hit... because its those that make me strong. They are those that help realize all I should be thankful for.
and... I'm thankful for Tabasco, smart phones, Kit-Kats, funny movies and chocolate.

Theres much not listed but thatll have to wait for another time because bedtime calls!