You, You are love.

Love. It is an overused word. It has become such a casual word. I am guilty. I use it all the time. Constantly. I use it for pizza, whiskey, wine and my sister's amazing handbag she used over the holidays when she came to visit. I use it every night when I tell my precious children and babe goodnight. I use it when I am getting off the phone with my sisters, parents and even friends, I often would tell my co-workers that I love them, I take the time to type out " OH MY!!! I stinking LOVE this" and press post on oh so many different Pins that I have come across while wasting time finding more things that I would love to make, love to see, love to visit, love to wear, or love to do.

Its a beautiful word. In fact I cant think of a more beautiful yet subtle and simple word in the English vocabulary.  It holds so much meaning. .So much wonder. Fairy tales are made of it. Families are built on it. Industries make big on it. A holiday is based on it. A heart can be filled with it. One of my most favorite scriptures is created from it, by the creator of everything that love is intended to be. Its sought after, its hoped for, its wished for and prayed for. It can help heal, help recover, help teach, help the brokenness of what once was begin to be be repaired. Its in the shape of a heart, a shape of a smile, a child, a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, Its also in the shape of you and I.

It can be given freely, sometimes taken freely. It can often be taken by surprise, It can turn your world into a reality that you are more sure is a lovely dream. A reality so wonderfully and pleasantly beautiful that you become engulfed with its ability to make you tingle, to open your mouth to a joyful song, and smile at the small wonders in this amazing world. It has a way of sweeping air under your feet, to make you so light you begin to believe you are just a bird who has finally learned to fly.

It's that moment, when a Daddy Drives his Little girl into the desert in his old red Chevy pick up, a couple of sandwiches, a Coke to share. An old Winchester Shot gun, a box of 12 G shells and some old glass bottles. Its 10 years later when he hands the keys to that old Red Truck to his Little girl that is somehow growing up to fast and says drive carefully its all yours. She names it Lucy,and she loves that truck like she loves her best friend. She loves it because it was her Daddy's truck and it smells so much like him.    

It's that moment when a young girl sneaks out of bed, her long lanky legs tippy toe down the hallway an hour past bedtime. She smells something familiar and her curious nose is overtaken by her taste buds, She peeks around the corner to see her beautiful mother whipping up a fresh batch of salsa. Her awkward clumsiness causes her to trip over air and blow her cover,  Her mother smiles lovingly and hands that little girl a bowl of hot freshly made tortilla chips and motions her to sit, enjoy and mostly to just be next to the woman that a little girl needs most in her life. Its all those times that little girl runs to her Mama's arms. Even when she is not a little girl anymore but a mother herself. when no one else's words will do. Its all those times she looks to the sidelines and sees her Momma. Her biggest fan standing there. cheering her on, and never giving giving up on her. No matter how tough the game gets. Both on the basketball court and the life court.                

Its a midweek lunch date with your big sister. Its their loving arms around you when your broken, hurt and emotionally wrecked. It's their honest words and resilient support. its them taking the time to know you. every part of you and cherishing even the deepest parts of you.

It's that never ending admiration that you don't deserve from your baby sister. Even though you were horrible to her. Despite the times you broke her heart with empty promises and devastating words.  Its her smile at you. Her hopes and desires for you. Her tender heart that has a spot just for you.

Its that summer at youth Camp, where you find your self at the alter, despite all that you have hidden in your heart, all those secrets you have kept from those that need to know, the hurt you hide behind your green eyes. The tears you cry only behind close doors. It's those secrets you kept. The secrets you don't know who you are hiding from. Your Parents? Your entire family? Yourself? They all found out anyway. It changed relationships. It broke ties. It hurt family. It made it real. It really happened. You can't run from it anymore. Then its that moment. When the burden of such a devastation is lifted from your soul. When you are delivered from the deepest of darks. That amazing glory. The comfort Of a sovereign God is wrapped around you. Your heart begins to heal. As you cry out to Jesus with the deepest of pain, The thickest of despair. He takes all you have. He gives you comfort. He gives you peace. He gives you back that in which has been taken from you; Joy! 

Its that moment, when your world begins to spin around you. You sink to the bathroom floor and hold on to the baseboards behind you, as if that weak grasp you have on them will save you. Emotions that are already running wild spin through you like a tornado ready to conquer you. Its the despair. The Fear. The Raging hormones that are already too much for a 19 year old to bear. Its everything on that little stick that is telling that you are all grown up. Its 9 months of terror. 9 months of slowly realizing you are no longer just you. Its 9 months of finding your place between little girl and Momma. Its that moment that your blood pressures sky rockets, and you are rushed in oh too soon. Its realizing you never made it to the 9 months. Its a waiting room full of anxious family. A young girl wondering what to do. She holds the hands of her Sisters and hears her Mommas Voice as a small baby boy enters the world. Its the anxiousness she feels when she doesn't hear her baby cry. Its seeing your baby in an incubator being wheeled onto a helicopter and lift away with out you by his side. Its the longest drive you will ever take. The most scared you will ever be. The most prayers you will ever pray. The most tears you will ever cry as you watch your baby boy  fight for his life. the most joy you will ever feel. The most relieved you will ever be. When that baby boy goes home to his little blue room. That moment you know your life will never be the same. The moments he holds you tight. Smiles his toothy grin and says "you will always be my momma".

Its when his sisters join him in this world. Their beautiful bright personalities, Those gorgeous eyes, the sweetness and innocence that only a little girl can have. its the tea parties, the story book reading, the dress up. the way they learned to nurture their baby doll from they way you have nurtured them. Its hearing a little voice attempt to sing along to Minnie Mouse Clubhouse. Its Frozen lunchboxes and lost Bows, Its hoping that you can be everything a mother can be. 

It's that smile. The deep soft voice. The strong yet gentle hands. Those deep brown eyes. The dark handsome figure that catches my eye every time. Its a persistent fella who went for what he wanted and would't take no for an answer. Its a first date in jeans and boots with steak and beer. a second date with pizza and wings. Its a first kiss that leads to so many more, Its running through corn fields and snowball fights. Its a little boy who adores him. A little girl who first begins to call him Daddy V and a toddler who captures him with her big blue eyes and funny little self.  Its Those moments where my patience is worn thin as he procrastinates through the house, because why not when we are already 35 minutes late. Its the dancing in the moonlight, in the kitchen, in the garage, in  the front yard. A 2 AM dance party to Aretha Franklin. its corny jokes, and silly accents. Its midnight road trips and midnight talks. Its you've got my back and I've got yours. It's lunch dates that turn into bowling games and too many beers. It's Crazy excursions, And never finished projects, Its "your cat pooped on Graci's homework again" and  " if that dang dog digs one more hole It'll be buried in it. "Its light some candles baby", and "lets take this truck for a drive" Its Snarky Comments and grumpy days.  Its "Will you marry me?" And a "hell yes, I will" And how can I not say Yes? When Yes, is the only answer. The only answer I can give to the man who stole my heart. and gave me his in return.  A heart that has been bruised, a heart that has hurt. a heart that could easily be hidden away. But a heart that I Cherish. I will always Cherish and protect. Just like I will always Cherish and protect, honor and love you. Because that, that my love is what is what Love really is. 

bike lessons.

I'm going to start with this: I thought I was going to die today! Truth! I was even contemplating whether I should just go ahead and write down my obituary. But instead of dying I learned a much deeper lesson.

Several weeks ago my love decided to tell me he was picking up his motorcycle from his parents out of town and bringing it home. I then didn't fully realize he expected me to jump my large hot mess of a self on to the back seat and not somehow fall off. I didn't realize this until about a week ago when he called me to tell me to go get fitted for a helmet and a riding jacket. I laughed...first instinct. And then realized he was serious. So there I found myself standing in a store full of unfamiliar things. As I picked up a do-rag and asked " how do you wear this head panty thing" I noticed just how out of place I was. But I got the task done.
So like he said he was going to do, he made the drive to his hometown and loaded his bike. Two days later(yesterday) he pulled up to the front of my home. A blue powerful beast sat there on the trailer with all its glory...and then I noticed this little seat, this tiny little seat I was supposed to be able to stay on...you know, not fly off and land in a cactus or hit a tree? As big of an adrenaline junkie that I am, some fear definitely washed over me.
So just when I'm about to say "ya, no not happening" he then pulls out an amazingly awesome white jacket with black edging and some dainty and girly graphics and a matching white helmet. An awesome part of my valentines gift. I at this point didn't have much choice. I was going to have to get on that bike. Other than my dads mo-ped, that he would drive me around in slow little circles on the dirt lot next to the house I grew up in, I had no prior experiences with such things. I was going to die I was sure of it.

So this morning when he asked if I was excited I told him yes. I was. I was just scared. I kept thinking about my children and what they were going to do without me. I thought about work and how crazy busy it already is and how much crazier it would be if they were short a technician. I thought about who was going to take in all the dogs if we weren't there to take care of them and I thought about who would be there to help my daddy chop his firewood every winter. I was preparing my self for that face to tree encounter.
So the time came, I put on my awesome jacket, and then put on my matching helmet and looked at myself in the mirror. Stared a little while getting a good look of who I was before anything tragic happened. Then I heard the "listo mi amor?"  The signal that it was time to die.
So there I found myself standing in the street with all this awesome new gear and no experience. He smiled and as he showed me he said "This is how you get on and then just hold on to me. I'll take care of you my love." I then realized two things. That it wasn't him I didn't trust, it was me. He will take care of me, I just have to hold on. I also learned that I'm not always in control and I dang sure don't need to be.
Next thing I knew we were on our way slowly down the road he turned and leaned and I just held on. I actually enjoyed it. At first I was terrified and the more I allowed myself to relax the more I began to enjoy it.
Some beautiful flowers at work, a tear jerking card, a gorgeous set of earrings and some awesome riding gear made this girl a spoiled and blessed girl. But what made this valentines day really special was the lessons he taught me. These lessons of love that will carry on throughout our lives together.

1. I don't always have to lean his way, but to make a successful ride I cant turn against him.

2. Hold on to him, he however is the one God has put in my life to be my partner, my bestfriend, my love, and the one I can always count on.

3. trust him, what is love without trust? He will protect, love and honor me.

4. That every adventure with him is worth having.

5. This whole riding on the back of my mans bike is pretty awesome after all, and every bit of the time we get together is irreplaceable.

circumstance happenstance or perfectstance?

lallygagger... that's me! I Lallygag! I was supposed to write my thanksgiving post of all that I was thankful for and here I am 9 days after my deadline, and its finally getting  done. Its not that I'm not thankful for all those I have in my life, I'm just too busy enjoying them to take the moments to sit down and write. so here I am on this beautiful Saturday evening, the end of a perfectly wonderful day. Here I am with a smile on my face and cup of hot coffee in my hand. and I realize that no matter how many words I put down I will never be able to fully express how blessed, happy and thankful I am for all that I have been given. though God has shut many doors in my life, he always opens something much more amazing.

lal·ly·gag

  [lah-lee-gag, lal-ee-]

verb (used without object), lal·ly·gagged, lal·ly·gag·ging. Informal.

1.

to spend time idly; loaf.

2.

to indulge in kisses and caresses; make love; neck.

The second part of that definition was not what I was looking for, but hey, I will take it. :) Its kind of like it was meant to be there. Isn't it amazing how sometimes we end up where we never thought or imagined we would be. But its exactly where we were meant to be. It was just a couple months ago i was sitting in a sermon given my dear Uncle Bill, when he said, "This must be where I'm supposed to be, or else I'd be somewhere else." It gave an all new perspective of how things happen to be. Yes in life we are given choices and with those choices we change outcomes, outcomes of simple situations but more importantly our choices make a huge impact on our present and future. On most things once a choice is made there is no turning back, however we are able to learn and grow from our choices. With that we are also able to know exactly where we don't ever want to be again and also where we do want to be. 

I love how that out of nowhere, more like once I handed my life over to God, that he was able to begin making the changes to my heart and to my circumstances.

He actually began with my heart, he took my heart that had become dirty,  I had lost compassion, I was unable to feel. I became numb, i could slowly feel my life and myself becoming much less and much heartless than I had thought I possibly could become. But there I was I had almost fully became that girl with holes in my soul and a heart 3 sizes to small.  God began to once again reveal to me just how off track I had become just how much I had transformed from that girl i was meant to be. I knew that with this realization I could no longer live on that same self destructive path. I chose to make drastic changes. very uncomfortable changes. During that discomfort I didn't know how exactly my circumstances were going to change. But I knew that by putting my trust fully in God that he would mold me and my life exactly how he desired. there's a scripture that I love;

8For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts

Isaiah 55:8

I love how comforting that is. Because even when we think we have things under control, we don't. But He does. So even though it came as a shocker as a blow me away at how good God is to me,  as a knock me off my feet how surprised as i was, I accept it as nothing less than a blessing that God once again poured his love out on me when I least deserved it.


He prepared my heart, taught me my lessons, changed my train of thought and then just at the right time threw someone I least expected into the life of my kids, my family and myself. I am blessed in so many way. But one of my favorite ways God has blessed me is with the people he has hand selected to put in my life, from co- workers, friends, family, my kids and of course the love of my life that became my best friend.

D A T I N G !!!

The Seasons are changing, the hot days are now cool, the tank tops are now only working for the day and are getting covered up by sweaters at night, the flip flops are off the shelves and the most amazing boots are now everywhere (Yes, I Love dem boots) there are Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Apple pie, Hay rides and Halloween decor and of course one of my favorite fall events..other than the fair... the bows, the arrows, the rifles and shotguns come out, the weather cools and the hunters prepare to go out, and then of course there is the overwhelming amount of men all of a sudden grocery shopping for their days away at elk camp, filling their carts with beer, hot dogs  beer, cupcakes, beer, jerky, beer and whatever other junk food they find momentarily appetizing. But even with all this greatness.  I usually am sad to see summer go. I love the Sun, my cut off jeans and Lord knows I love Summer nights. but this year I am beyond delighted to see the leaves begin to change and the pumpkins appear on doorstep and this season change. Seasons are one of the most Beautiful creations and the change of Seasons is a gift straight from our wonderful creator. 

There was a time that I never thought that I would be here. Here living life Single. Although I now declare myself Single on my taxes and my official facebook status states Single(because well nothing is ever official until it hits Facebook ;) ) I am not "single" I am, and yes this is my self given title " The girl not in relationship, some consider single but is not because single= one,  but she has 3 kids and a dog named Rue who may be needier than any other male on the planet" so the phrase " its complicated" is much better suited for this girl. not because I am in a complicated relationship, but because my situation is complicated. 

                                                                 ----Needy Dog-----

When I first stepped foot out of the courthouse after that finalizing court day last June, I had no Idea what to expect. I knew that from that moment on I was then officially a "divorcee" a "single mom with 3 kids at the age of 25": Not that I'm complaining... I was actually pretty dang happy as I got in my car and drove to work. But I had no idea what awaited me. DATING IS  SCARY!, Its hard and confusing. it threw me so out of comfort zone, Its worse than standing in line at McDonald's smashed between a bunch of fat people waiting in line for another cheeseburger, or getting pushed to speak when you had no idea you were supposed to, heck its just bad! 

Of course I didn't go straight into the "dating world" I actually ended up finding myself quickly in a relationship. A relationship in which I Learned many things from and spent the first 1.5 years post divorce in. Postponing my dating life even more. 

Before I had gotten married I had never really dated... at all. I had Boyfriends, I had my first love and I had that whole " high school Sweetheart" experience... but never did I date. I guess that's what you get when you Marry at 19. 

Needless to say... I AM ... or until recently  WAS a "dating Virgin" at 26.. yes it could have been worse. I could have been 40 and earned that whole 40 year old title" 

(as hippie as this sounds here we go(I like metaphors)) So my season is changing,  the sun is shining on me now, the cold is over and I'm moving on. I'm what you would call " dating" its a hard world out there. its almost like a game.. wait I take that back, It is a game. But if I have learned anything it is that no matter the game, if you play, your gonna get played. What happened to the straight up of things? The honesty, the straight forwardness. The way I see it, dating is like stinking politics, and its just as corrupt as the government. When you live in a small town, dating someone is the same old thing, its old before its new. Dating out of town is refreshing.. but just that...they are out of town. Its just difficult, there is no assurance of anything. maybe this is Gods way of saying " Have faith and trust in me". Its way to easy to fall back into "comfortable" but comfortable is not where I am intended to be. 

Though I'm thankful for this time in my life, I'm also thankful  that God has shined his light upon me enough to walk me through some great lessons of life before I got to this particular place, because its not me as a "single" person walking through this, its me as   " The girl not in relationship, some consider single but is not because single= one,  but she has 3 kids and a dog named Rue who may be needier than any other male on the planet" and well those three kids and the neediest dog on the planet are walking this with me. 

Thank you God, for blessing me with wisdom, understanding, and peace, as well as this season in my life. 

moving on!

I haven't written much in a while... in fact its been a long while.. mainly because I felt as if this had become a burial ground for my past. I would revisit every once in awhile, only to see how depressing I had become. so now you may see that most of my little notes have been removed... not hidden but gone. I believe if you are going to move on. If you are going to leave the past in the past you have to drop it and walk away. It never ceases to amaze me how God choses to show us things and teach us very valuable lessons.. like Simply trusting in him. Because its us putting our trust in him that allows us to move forward in life in the direction he has called us to go. when I think of this I think of my own children.. like my 6 year old trying to learn how to swim. His fear of letting go leads him to clinging on, not allowing himself to just let go.. and not realizing that even if he couldn't swim the water is only 3 ft deep. he clings he flails.. He's scared... and as much as I tell him he is going to be okay.. he cant hear me. he wont listen to me. In order for him to learn one of the biggest lessons of his life... he must let go.. he must trust me, Just like we must trust in God. So here I am, trusting god, letting go of my own understanding, and putting my faith in one who is much mightier. Life is hard. Life has its struggles it has its downs.. but it also has its peace it has its healing and it has its Joy. we just have to allow ourselves the ability to let go of our burdens and give them to God because only then will he take them away and only then can we have true joy. Claim it. Accept it. Embrace it

The loss of our flesh

Imagine you are a grape, a ripe sweet grape, grown to and with perfection, picked at the very perfect time. Now imagine that you are tossed into a bucket among others, and are poured into a larger contraption... A wine press.
And all of a sudden a force is pushing you down. down into the others. you can slowly begin to feel your skin about to tear the pressure is too much to bear. and then for just a split second the pressure is relieved... but then it is right back, your skin has already weakened it becomes harder to hold on to your flesh. but then this process happens over and over.  continuously bearing this weight and at first you are only leaking your sweet juice but as time goes on and the weaker in the flesh we become the more juice that we release, and then comes the point that there is nothing left of your flesh, just the skin but you, you have become the sought after juice.
 What used to make you Beautiful and what used to define who and what you are is nothing now. It is left behind and unusable. It was your flesh, your pulp. but now the wine maker has taken from that only which he intends to use. only that which is pleasing to him.

 
It doesn't end there. Now you must be sifted and the remaining sediment removed. your closer to your finish product... but in the form you now are in you must continue the process...( lets call this the lukewarm stage. neither cold nor hot. this stage does nothing. you must press on you must be refined). It isn't until these final stages that you begin to resemble what you were intended to be all along.
 

 
Our lives are like a wine press. we must have our flesh crushed so that God can do his mighty work on us to make us who he had always planned for us to be. Just like the Grape bush planted at a winery with a purpose. We had a divine destination while we were still in the wombs of our mothers. we must endure the wine press so that we may continue on to where we were intended and please the Lord.

LOVE

We are human, some of us trust, some of us hope, some of us love, some of us fear, some of us break to hard to do any of the above. We all have had our experiences... some of us have had more than our fair share. What are we supposed to do? We are told to Love and not hate, to trust and not fear. "but i say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." Mathew 5:44 sometimes this doesn't sound so hard, but the truth is, when you look at Love and the definition we are given to follow it becomes difficult to find ourselfs followowing this thouroghly "LOVE SUFFERS LONG AND IS KIND: LOVE DOES NOT ENVY; LOVE DOES NOT PARADE ITSELF, IS NOT PUFFED UP; DOES NOT BEHAVE RUDELY; DOES `NOT SEEK ITS OWN, IS NOT PROVOKED, THINKS NO EVIL; DOES NOT REJOICE IN INIQUITY, BUT REJOICES IN TRUTH; BEARS ALL THINGS BELIEVES IN ALL THINGS HOPES ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS. LOVE NEVER FAILS." 1 CORINTHIANS13:4
We are told to love, regardless of our of our trials and the mountains that we climb in our individual lives. not just love the people that walk the mountains with us, the ones that carry you through the tough times or the ones that we carry. But we are told to love even those that cause us climbing the mountains, the ones that help create our struggles and the ones that have shown no love to us. LOVE this we have been commanded.
So Yesterday and today when I have been battling my own war, I have failed. I have allowed myself to trade love in for hate. regardless of why a person has infected my life in such a way that I have allowed them so much undeserved emotion I still have found my heart in a place of wrong, and allowed myself to hate my enemy as opposed to loving  as I have been commanded. And for this I am wrong. yet another of my own personal struggles.